I Hear You: The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships

by Michael S. Sorensen

“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” It is how we interpret these emotions—and choose to handle them—that makes the difference.

So how does this judging of emotions relate to validation? Put simply, it completely undermines it. When we tell people they should or shouldn’t feel something, we risk making the situation worse.

“But what if there’s really nothing to worry about?” you ask. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that the other person is worrying and wants someone to see and appreciate that. Everyone—regardless of age, gender, or IQ—will find themselves in a similar situation from time to time, when they’re stressed or worried about something they “shouldn’t” be. When someone is in that state, a simple “don’t worry” doesn’t help. If you instead show them that you see and appreciate what they’re feeling, they’ll either find a solution of their own, or become much more willing to listen to yours.

there’s something deeper going on, a reason why the person is feeling the way they are. And if we’re being real here, the only way for your friend to truly feel lovable is to work through those issues and feelings.

Validation has two main elements. It 1) acknowledges a specific emotion, and 2) offers justification for feeling that emotion. Validation is nonjudgmental. It allows the other person to feel whatever they’re feeling without labeling it as “good” or “bad.” Invalidation (i.e. minimizing or dismissing another person’s feelings) is counter-productive. Research has shown that invalidating responses can make a difficult situation worse, even when offered with the best of intentions. Offering validation—before or instead of offering advice or assurance—is often the best way to help. Doing so helps others let go of difficult emotions much more quickly, often allowing them to find a solution to the problem on their own. Leading with validation also increases the likelihood that others will listen to and accept your advice.