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November 24, 2022
The truly good listeners of the world do more than just listen. They listen, seek to understand, and then validate.
validation—showing interest in and affirming the worth of another person’s comments, requests, or emotions.
in order to become a “great listener,” you actually need to become a great validator.
Good listeners, therefore, do more than just listen—they validate.
couples who learn to validate and support each other have significantly happier and longer-lasting marriages
Effective validation can calm fear or frustration,
Effective validation has two components: It identifies a specific emotion It offers justification for feeling that emotion
As long as you show the other person that you recognize and accept their emotions, you’re validating.
If you’re uncertain about whether you should validate, simply check to see if the other person is sharing something.
Even if they share an issue with you and ask for advice, they will still be hoping (consciously or unconsciously) for a little validation first.
But if a person asks for directions, and then tells you he’s worried he’s going to get lost, he is once again looking for validation.
You can validate any emotion—positive or negative.
You can validate anyone, even if you disagree with them.
When you validate someone, you’re essentially saying, “I get why you feel that way.” That’s different than saying, “You’re right” or “I agree.”
Simply reflecting another’s words, without seeking to understand the emotion behind them, can come across as inauthentic and disconnected.
validation shows an understanding of the other person’s emotions and the “why” behind them.
Sympathy is a feeling of care or concern for another person, often accompanied by a wish to see them better off or happier.
Sympathy is standing on the outside of a situation, looking in (e.g. “I’m sorry you’re sad.”) Empathy is stepping into the situation and feeling the emotion (e.g. “Wow, this is sad.”).
One way to practice identifying your own emotions is to set a reminder on your phone to check in with yourself a few times throughout the day.
“Good” might actually mean: happy, grateful, comfortable, content, excited, energized, confident, or positive.
“Okay” might actually mean: content, tired, worn out, or worried.
“Not great” might actually mean: scared, hurting, sad, lonely, worried, betrayed, sick, uneasy, anxious, or weak.
“Better than yesterday” could really mean anything: happy, comfortable, excited; or sad, anxious, etc.
In order to have empathy for others, you need to identify and accept their emotions without judgment.
The next time you notice an emotion—any emotion—rising up inside you, check to see if you’re suppressing, avoiding, or accepting it.
When you notice an emotion come up, try to look at it as objectively as possible,
The more you practice recognizing, accepting, and validating your own emotions, the easier it will be to develop empathy for, and then validate, the emotions of others.
Before you can validate someone, you have to first understand how they are feeling. This starts with listening, but also requires you to look beyond the words they speak and identify the emotions they express.
The better you understand the situation and how the other person is reacting to it, the more effective your validation will be.
When we’re not fully present, people notice.
When you do talk with them, show them they have your undivided attention.
research has shown that the mere presence of a smartphone can lessen the quality of a conversation—even if it’s just sitting on the table.
the person’s body language and overall energy will signal that something is up.
much as 70 percent of our communication is nonverbal—meaning
Matching another person’s energy is a critical part of effective validation.
Micro validation lets the other person know you’re paying attention and encourages them to continue sharing.
If someone is venting or sharing a negative experience, do not jump in with advice unless they ask for it.
Giving unsolicited advice or assurance—especially before you validate the other person’s emotions—trivializes their experience.
Very very true! I am at times guilty of this.
When you use a personal experience to validate, keep it brief, focus on the emotions and experiences that are most relatable, and then return the focus to the other person.
launching into unsolicited advice may cause the other person to close off, get irritated, or become defensive.
I called a mentor of mine and told him I needed some validation and help getting out of my head.
When you need validation, ask for it specifically.
“Hey I’m feeling stressed right now and need some validation. Can I vent for a minute? I don’t want feedback or any suggestions for fixing it. I’d just like you to hear me out and help me not feel crazy.”
