I Hear You: The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships

by Michael S. Sorensen

validation (in the context of interpersonal skills, anyway) is the act of recognizing and affirming the validity or worth of a person’s emotions. Essentially, validation means saying to someone, “I hear you. I get what you’re feeling, and it’s perfectly alright to feel that way.” Effective validation has two components: It identifies a specific emotion It offers justification for feeling that emotion

More often than not, people who vent or complain already know how to handle their current situation—they’re just looking for someone to see and appreciate their struggle.

Society teaches us from an early age that there are certain emotions that we “should” and “shouldn’t” feel. Comments such as “don’t cry,” “don’t worry,” and “don’t be angry,” as well as “be happy,” “be more confident,” and “just enjoy the journey” all reinforce this idea.

Validation has two main elements. It 1) acknowledges a specific emotion, and 2) offers justification for feeling that emotion.

Reflective listening focuses on the words the other person has just said. Validation, in contrast, focuses on the emotion the other person has just expressed.

We need to do more than just show others we hear the words they are speaking; we need to show them we’re connecting with the emotions they’re feeling.

research has shown that the mere presence of a smartphone can lessen the quality of a conversation—even if it’s just sitting on the table.

Matching another person’s energy is a critical part of effective validation. If the person is excited, then smile, laugh, and share in the thrill. If the person is sad, then be respectful and speak in a softer, more compassionate manner.

If someone is venting or sharing a negative experience, do not jump in with advice unless they ask for it.

As we discussed early on, statements such as the following—no matter how well intentioned—invalidate the other person’s experience: “That’s not true—you look great!” “Here’s what you need to do . . .” “Don’t worry about what they think.” “Hey, just let it go! It’s not worth letting it ruin your day.” “It will all work out in the end.” “It could be worse.” “Don’t worry. You’ll meet the right person some day.” Giving unsolicited advice or assurance—especially before you validate the other person’s emotions—trivializes their experience.

When you use a personal experience to validate, keep it brief, focus on the emotions and experiences that are most relatable, and then return the focus to the other person.

Make an effort to replace “but” with “and” and you’ll be amazed at how it frees you up to speak candidly while maintaining trust and safety in the conversation.

Avoid giving unsolicited feedback. Just because someone is sharing a difficult experience doesn’t mean they are looking for advice. Determine whether they are open to receiving feedback by either 1) asking what they are expecting from you (e.g., “How can I help?”), or 2) asking permission to give advice (e.g., “I have a few thoughts on the matter. May I share?”).

I had an opportunity to practice this just the other day when I started venting to a couple people in my family. They began to give advice and counsel and I found myself becoming irritated and defensive. I had literally just asked for their thoughts on the matter, then immediately went on the defensive against everything they were saying. It took me a few minutes to snap out of my own drama, but as I got curious about my defensiveness, I realized that I really just needed validation. I had already found a solution to the problem; I just wanted someone to appreciate the difficulty of the situation.

More often than not, we invalidate our emotions in an effort to avoid uncomfortable feelings such as fear, anger, or sadness.

Remember: everyone you meet is afraid of something, loves something, and has lost something. Remember that we are all looking for love, appreciation, and connection. And remember that, regardless of age, gender, background, or ethnicity, being listened to—and heard—is one of the greatest desires of the human heart.