More on this book
Community
Kindle Notes & Highlights
Gottman refers to positive and engaging responses as “turning toward” the bidder, and negative and passive responses as “turning away.” As it turned out, the way couples responded to these bids had a profound effect on their marital well-being.
Gottman found that couples who had divorced during the six-year follow-up period had “turn-toward bids” just 33 percent of the time—meaning only three in ten of their requests for connection were met with interest and compassion.[1] In contrast, couples who remained together after the six-year period had “turn-toward bids” 87 percent of the time. Nearly nine times out of ten, the healthy couples were meeting their partner’s emotional needs.
This is what my relationship was missing! I was indeed making multiple “bids” or requests for connection each day, but felt like my girlfriend only “turned toward me” a small fraction of the time.
validation is critical for building healthy, satisfying relationships. What’s more, it’s critical for any relationship, romantic or otherwise. Thus, the core idea of this book is that, in order to become a “great listener,” you actually need to become a great validator.
We as humans are social creatures. We crave acceptance, appreciation, and a sense of belonging. In times of joy and success, we seek to share our excitement with others. In times of pain and sorrow, we seek comfort and support.
Essentially, validation means saying to someone, “I hear you. I get what you’re feeling, and it’s perfectly alright to feel that way.”
When we tell people they should or shouldn’t feel something, we risk making the situation worse.
telling participants to not worry (or otherwise suggesting that they were being irrational) added to their stress.
“You’ll be fine.” “It could be worse!” “At least it’s not [fill in the blank].” “Just put a smile on your face and tough it out.” “Don’t worry; things will work out.” “Stop complaining; you’re not the only one who’s hurting.” “It’s not that big of a deal.”
Validation is nonjudgmental. It allows the other person to feel whatever they’re feeling without labeling it as “good” or “bad.”
“I get why you’re feeling the way you are.” It’s important to note that this is not the same as saying “you’re right” or “I agree.” You can validate any emotion in any situation as long as you understand the other person’s perspective. While it may not seem like it at first, most people’s reactions (even the seemingly irrational ones) make perfect sense once you truly understand where that person is coming from. You may need to think about their background, their fears, their hopes, the fact that they might not have all the details, etc., but more often than not, you’ll find that their
...more
Learning to identify your own emotions will increase your ability to feel empathy for others in two ways.
Empathy Tip #5: Quit Judging Your Own Emotions In order to have empathy for others, you need to identify and accept their emotions without judgment. It’s not easy to do this for others if you’re not already in the habit of doing it for yourself.
If someone is venting or sharing a negative experience, do not jump in with advice unless they ask for it. Similarly, resist the urge to point out silver linings or how the situation could be worse. This is—by far—the most common mistake people make. As we discussed early on, statements such as the following—no matter how well intentioned—invalidate the other person’s experience:
“So, how are you feeling about all this?” “Ugh. How’d that make you feel?”
A word of caution: If someone is sharing a difficult emotion or experience, avoid the phrase, “I know exactly how you feel,” even if you think you do. Instead, consider phrases such as, “I’ve felt similar when . . .” or “I can relate to that feeling.” Claiming to know “exactly” how someone feels nearly always puts the other person on defense. If you don’t believe me, pay attention to your reaction the next time someone says it to you. Even with the best of intentions, it is a surprisingly invalidating thing to hear.
In truth, none of us know exactly how another person is feeling. Our thoughts and emotions are shaped by millions of life experiences, to the point where it’s virtually impossible for any two people to have the exact same thoughts or reactions. If you can relate, simply avoid using “exactly”
Instead of pretending to know what she was going through, I acknowledged the fact that I didn’t. When she saw that I responded with validation rather than advice, she quickly lowered her walls and we were able to connect on a much deeper level.
Admitting that we don’t know exactly how another person feels helps them feel safe in confiding in us. They come to realize that they can be vulnerable with us without facing judgment or pressure to fix the problem.
As he approached his dad at the sideline, he looked at the ground and shook his head. “I just lost the freakin’ championship for my team.” How would you respond? If you’re like most people, you’d immediately fire back with a compassionate, “No you didn’t! You did a great job!” There are two problems here, though. First, this is an invalidating statement. Did you catch it? Immediately responding with “no you didn’t” discounts the feelings Trent just expressed rather than allowing him space to feel them.
When you ask permission before sharing your opinion, you show respect for the other person, their emotions, and the fact that they are smart and capable in their own right.
When used to connect two phrases in a sentence, “but” effectively dismisses the first phrase altogether. When giving validation, it can instantly undo all your hard work.
Avoid Absolutes Absolutes are terms such as “always,” “never,” “constantly,” etc.
