I Hear You: The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships

by Michael S. Sorensen

Now, before we dive in, know that these principles will not suddenly fix every problem in your relationships, cure you of all disease, or make you better looking. But they will improve your relationships, increase the likelihood that people listen to your advice, enhance your ability to support others during difficult times, and help you more easily navigate emotionally charged situations. I’ve seen them work magic in my own life and in the lives of countless others. Time and time again, these principles come through. If you take them seriously, you will not be disappointed.

how do you show someone you really hear them? This is where things get interesting. The truly good listeners of the world do more than just listen. They listen, seek to understand, and then validate. That third point is the secret sauce—the magic ingredient.

As Gottman studied the interactions of each couple, he began to notice a pattern. Throughout the day, partners would make small, seemingly insignificant requests for connection from each other. For example, a husband would look out the window and say, “Wow, check out that car!” He wasn’t just commenting on the car, though; he was looking for his wife to respond with shared interest or appreciation. He was hoping to connect—however momentarily—over the car. Gottman calls these requests for connection “bids.” The wife could then choose to respond positively (“Wow, that is nice!”), negatively (“Ugh, that’s hideous”), or passively (“Mmm, that’s nice, dear”). Gottman refers to positive and engaging responses as “turning toward” the bidder, and negative and passive responses as “turning away.” As it turned out, the way couples responded to these bids had a profound effect on their marital well-being. Gottman found that couples who had divorced during the six-year follow-up period had “turn-toward bids” just 33 percent of the time—meaning only three in ten of their requests for connection were met with interest and compassion.[1] In contrast, couples who remained together after the six-year period had “turn-toward bids” 87 percent of the time. Nearly nine times out of ten, the healthy couples were meeting their partner’s emotional needs.

validation is critical for building healthy, satisfying relationships. What’s more, it’s critical for any relationship, romantic or otherwise. Thus, the core idea of this book is that, in order to become a “great listener,” you actually need to become a great validator.

With the principles, tools, and techniques set forth in this book, you will be able to: Calm (and sometimes even eliminate) the concerns, fears, or uncertainties of others. This is especially helpful if your significant other is upset, if you’re dealing with irate customers or coworkers, or if you’re trying to reason with young children. Add a boost to others’ excitement and happiness. This is an obvious gift to the other person, but studies have also shown that validating the positive experiences of others can drastically improve connection and satisfaction in a relationship. Provide support and encouragement to others, even when you don’t know how to fix the problem. There is great confidence in knowing you can help someone in any situation, regardless of your own experience or expertise. More easily show love, understanding, and compassion in your intimate relationships. Studies (and common sense) show that this skill is critical to lasting, happy relationships. Help others feel safe and comfortable confiding in you. This promotes deeper, more meaningful connection and increases others’ affinity toward you. Avoid or quickly resolve arguments. Instead of butting heads and going in circles, you’ll save time, frustration, and headache by knowing how to calm the other party and make your point heard. Give advice that sticks. When you understand and validate others, they become significantly more open to your advice, feedback, and/or assurance. Become an all-around more lik...

Chapter 1 Summary We want (and need) more than just a listening ear. As humans, we need to feel heard and understood. We need to feel accepted and appreciated. Good listeners, therefore, do more than just listen—they validate. Validation can make a tremendous difference in your marriage or romantic relationships. Studies show that couples who learn to validate and support each other have significantly happier and longer-lasting marriages than those who do not. Validation is as versatile as it is valuable. Effective validation can calm fear or frustration, give a boost to others’ excitement or good fortune, get others to listen to your side of the story, deepen relationships, quickly resolve arguments, and help make you an all-around more likeable human being.

validation (in the context of interpersonal skills, anyway) is the act of recognizing and affirming the validity or worth of a person’s emotions. Essentially, validation means saying to someone, “I hear you. I get what you’re feeling, and it’s perfectly alright to feel that way.” Effective validation has two components: It identifies a specific emotion It offers justification for feeling that emotion

More often than not, people who vent or complain already know how to handle their current situation—they’re just looking for someone to see and appreciate their struggle. While it seems almost counterintuitive, validation is often the quickest and easiest way to help people work through their concerns and get back on track.

The result is simple, respectful, nonjudgmental support that helps Amy talk through and let go of her frustration rather than trying to ignore or suppress it. Their conversation becomes much more pleasant and connecting, and leads to a significantly more positive outcome.

Chapter 2 Summary Validation has two main elements. It 1) acknowledges a specific emotion, and 2) offers justification for feeling that emotion. Validation is nonjudgmental. It allows the other person to feel whatever they’re feeling without labeling it as “good” or “bad.” Invalidation (i.e. minimizing or dismissing another person’s feelings) is counter-productive. Research has shown that invalidating responses can make a difficult situation worse, even when offered with the best of intentions. Offering validation—before or instead of offering advice or assurance—is often the best way to help. Doing so helps others let go of difficult emotions much more quickly, often allowing them to find a solution to the problem on their own. Leading with validation also increases the likelihood that others will listen to and accept your advice.

In a study conducted in 2004, researchers found that romantic relationships were higher in commitment, satisfaction, trust, and intimacy—and lower in daily conflict—when partners validated each other’s good fortune.[3]

right? That’s what you’d expect. What researchers were surprised to find, however, was that passive–constructive responses (e.g., “That’s nice. Guess what happened to me today!”) had the same correlation with negative relationship outcomes as active destructive responses (e.g., “You got promoted? Say goodbye to sleep!”). In other words, responding to someone’s excitement with an obvious lack of interest, even if your comment is positive, may be just as harmful as responding with a negative, discouraging comment.

Opportunities to validate positive experience are all around. If we’re not attentive, however, they’re easy to miss. Most people recognize opportunities to help a distressed friend or family member, but it often feels less important to focus the same amount of attention on another’s excitement or good fortune.

Validating positive experience is not only possible, it’s critical to developing healthy, satisfying relationships. Learning to identify and act on these opportunities can make a significant difference in your connection with others.

If someone is distraught, angry, or concerned, validating them is your best chance at getting them to be receptive to feedback. The great thing is, you can validate someone even if you disagree with them. Learning to do so will give you a valuable tool for navigating confrontations, negotiations, disagreements, and the like.

Effective validation requires empathy and emotional understanding, and therefore extends beyond simple reflective listening. We need to do more than just show others we hear the words they are speaking; we need to show them we’re connecting with the emotions they’re feeling.

Chapter 3 Summary You can validate any emotion—positive or negative. While validating difficult emotions can lead to stronger, healthier, more satisfactory relationships, studies have shown that validating positive emotions and sharing in others’ excitement, pride, happiness, etc. can be equally beneficial. You can validate anyone, even if you disagree with them. When you validate someone, you’re essentially saying, “I get why you feel that way.” That’s different than saying, “You’re right” or “I agree.” The key point here is that if you were in that person’s shoes, having only the information, background, and perception that they do, you would likely feel the same way. Validation is more than just repeating what the other person says. Simply reflecting another’s words, without seeking to understand the emotion behind them, can come across as inauthentic and disconnected. While rephrasing what you’ve heard is a valuable tool, validation shows an understanding of the other person’s emotions and the “why” behind them.

Imagining others as younger, more vulnerable versions of themselves is a great way to help feelings of empathy flow a little more freely.

The more you practice recognizing, accepting, and validating your own emotions, the easier it will be to develop empathy for, and then validate, the emotions of others.

Chapter 4 Summary Empathy is different from sympathy. Sympathy is standing on the outside of a situation and looking in (e.g. “I’m sorry you’re sad.”) Empathy is stepping into the situation with the other person and feeling the emotion with them (e.g. “Wow, this is sad”). Empathy Tip #1: Get curious. Ask yourself questions such as, “What is this person’s background? Could past issues be influencing their reaction? What if someone had done that to me? How would I feel? If I haven’t had a similar experience, have I ever felt a similar emotion?” Empathy Tip #2: Look at them. Take a moment to see the other person on a deeper level. Make eye contact. Recognize that they are a human being with fears, hopes, uncertainties, pain, and joy. Recognize that their life may be a lot harder than you know. Empathy Tip #3: Imagine them as a child. Try picturing the other person as a four-year-old version of themselves. Because showing emotion is considered a sign of weakness in many cultures, it can be difficult to empathize with adults who may be having a hard time. Picturing the other person as a young child can help remove this stigma and make it easier to feel genuine empathy. Empathy Tip #4: Learn to identify your own emotions. Become better at identifying others’ emotions by getting in the habit of identifying your own. Consider setting a reminder in your phone each day to check in with yourself and take inventory of how you’re feeling. Empathy Tip #5: Quit judging your o...

someone is venting or sharing a negative experience, do not jump in with advice unless they ask for it. Similarly, resist the urge to point out silver linings or how the situation could be worse.

Giving unsolicited advice or assurance—especially before you validate the other person’s emotions—trivializes their experience. It suggests that 1) you don’t think they should feel the way they do, and 2) you know how to resolve the issue better than they do. Even if you do know how to resolve it, now is not the time to say so. While it may be true that it’s not worth getting all bent out of shape over what’s happened, the fact is that the other person is bent out of shape over it and they need someone to understand why.

Step 1 Summary Give your full attention. If you’re distracted, let the other person know and ask to talk at a later time. When you are available to talk, close your laptop, turn off the TV, and keep your attention on the conversation at hand. Invite them to open up. If you suspect someone wants to talk about something but isn’t comfortable initiating the conversation, try asking a simple question like, “You seem upset. What’s up?” Be observant. As much as 70 percent of our communication is nonverbal. Pay close attention to the other person’s tone of voice and body language to better understand them. Match their energy. If the other person is happy or excited, then smile, laugh, and share in the thrill. If they are discouraged or sad, then be respectful and speak in a softer, more compassionate manner. Offer micro validation. Offer short comments such as “no way!”, “seriously?”, or “I’d feel that way too” to help the other person feel comfortable sharing. This lets them know you that you are listening, withholding judgment, and seeing things from their perspective. Don’t try to fix it. Refrain from offering advice, feedback, or assurance until step 3. Avoid comments such as “at least . . . ”, “you should . . . ”, or “that’s not true.”

We’ve talked about this before, but remember that you do not need to agree with the other person to validate them. If you feel like they aren’t seeing things correctly, don’t pretend to agree—but also don’t tell them you disagree just yet. Instead, try to understand why they’re feeling what they’re feeling and validate that. Try to see things from their perspective. If you only had their side of the story, chances are good that you would react in a similar way.

Maintaining honesty and sincerity in your validation not only improves its effectiveness, it also increases trust in the relationship. If your friend always told you you did a great job, even when it was obvious that you didn’t, you would learn to disregard his compliments.

Step 2 Summary Validate their emotion. Once there’s a pause in the conversation or the other person is done sharing, validate them more fully. This is best done by 1) acknowledging the emotions they’ve expressed, and 2) offering justification for feeling those emotions. Validate, even if you disagree. Not only is it possible to validate someone you disagree with, it’s advantageous to do so. When you validate the other person, they become significantly more likely to listen to a differing opinion or advice. Once you show that you truly hear them, they will be much more likely to hear you. Not sure what the other person is feeling? Ask. A simple question such as “How are you feeling about all this?” or “I imagine you’re pretty upset?” is often enough to get the clarity you need to validate. If you can relate, consider letting them know. Use phrases such as “I can relate” or “I had a similar experience” instead of “I know exactly how you feel.” Be sure to turn the focus back to them after sharing your experience. If you can’t relate, let them know. Acknowledging that you haven’t been in someone else’s shoes and don’t know exactly how they feel can be incredibly validating. Tell the truth. Resist the urge to lie to make someone feel better. Instead, acknowledge the truth, validate their emotions, then provide comfort and assurance in step 3.

Step 3 Summary Offering feedback or advice is entirely optional. Perhaps someone has shared an exciting or proud moment, or perhaps you simply have no advice to give. Validation is healing in and of itself. It is not always necessary or appropriate to give advice. Avoid giving unsolicited feedback. Just because someone is sharing a difficult experience doesn’t mean they are looking for advice. Determine whether they are open to receiving feedback by either 1) asking what they are expecting from you (e.g., “How can I help?”), or 2) asking permission to give advice (e.g., “I have a few thoughts on the matter. May I share?”). If you do give feedback, lead with a validating statement. Even though you just offered validation in step 2, prefacing your feedback with one more validating statement will reiterate the fact that you’ve heard them and are connected with their experience. Use “and” instead of “but.” Doing so will help you avoid inadvertently negating your validation, comments, etc. Lead with “I” instead of “You.” Using “I” underscores the fact that you are sharing your perspective or opinion. It also lessens the likelihood that the recipient will become defensive. Avoid Absolutes. When giving difficult feedback, replace absolute terms such as “always” and “never” with softer (and often more accurate) alternatives such as “often” or “rarely.” If you do choose to use an absolute term, lead with “I think,” “I feel,” etc. instead of “you.”

Step 4 Summary Re-validate the emotion. Whether you’ve given advice in step 3 or not, work in one final bit of validation at the end of the conversation. Doing so reiterates the fact that you hear and understand the other person and ends the conversation on a positive, emotionally uplifting note. Validate the vulnerability. Sharing personal thoughts, experiences, or emotions can be difficult, uncomfortable, and even scary. If someone opens up to you, thank them for it and validate the fact that doing so can be quite difficult.

When you need validation, ask for it specifically. It’s obviously best to talk with someone who already knows how to validate, but if the person you talk to doesn’t, you can still point them in the right direction. For example, you might say: “Hey I’m feeling stressed right now and need some validation. Can I vent for a minute? I don’t want feedback or any suggestions for fixing it. I’d just like you to hear me out and help me not feel crazy.”

In addition to seeking validation from others, it’s important to learn to validate yourself. We are often our own worst critics, judging ourselves in ways we never would another individual. Practicing self-compassion and learning to validate ourselves is a critical part of developing strong emotional health and happiness.

Final Thoughts: Summary Ask for validation when you need it. When you need validation, ask for it specifically rather than hoping others figure it out. If the person you’re talking with isn’t familiar with validation, fill them in on the basics and be specific about what you are and aren’t looking for. Learn to validate yourself. Resist the temptation to minimize or ignore your own emotions and focus instead on acknowledging and accepting them. Practicing self-compassion and learning to validate yourself is a critical part of developing strong emotional health and happiness. Watch your expectations. Even if you follow all the steps and genuinely want to connect with someone, they may choose to not be receptive. You can always validate someone, but you can’t always guarantee that they’ll accept it or react in the way you’d hoped they would.