I Hear You: The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships

by Michael S. Sorensen

Gottman found that couples who had divorced during the six-year follow-up period had “turn-toward bids” just 33 percent of the time—meaning only three in ten of their requests for connection were met with interest and compassion.[1]

In contrast, couples who remained together after the six-year period had “turn-toward bids” 87 percent of the time. Nearly nine times out of ten, the healthy couples were meeting their partner’s emotional needs.

Gottman refers to as “turning toward” another individual is simply another way to describe validation—showing interest in and affirming the worth of another person’s comments, requests, or emotions.

validation is critical for building healthy, satisfying relationships. What’s more, it’s critical for any relationship, romantic or otherwise.

in order to become a “great listener,” you actually need to become a great validator.

“Behind the need to communicate is the need to share. Behind the need to share is the need to be understood.” – Leo Rosten

Essentially, validation means saying to someone, “I hear you. I get what you’re feeling, and it’s perfectly alright to feel that way.”

It identifies a specific emotion It offers justification for feeling that emotion

More often than not, people who vent or complain already know how to handle their current situation—they’re just looking for someone to see and appreciate their struggle.

The truth is there’s nothing inherently good or bad about any emotion.

1) acknowledges a specific emotion, and 2) offers justification for feeling that emotion.