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“As five very wise young ladies once implied, zig-a-zig-ah is transitory. But friendship never ends.”
“If,” I said slowly, the thought squeezing out of my brain like a water droplet from the end of a broken tap, “we’re going to do this…you can’t make it about Caspian. Because you don’t know him. And it’s not fair.” “You’re
He's so sweet
“Strip.” “Um. What?” “You know”—she flashed a grin at me—“remove your clothes so I can subject you to my female gaze. You’re pretty, poppet. I want to see you naked.” I swallowed. “What…what happens after I’m naked?” “All sorts of depraved things.” Well. Guess I was sold. I began pulling at my garments.
Sisyphean arousal that made it impossible for me to escape my body.
She was right, of course. And what was the worst that could happen? I would have to swallow a mouthful of salty goo. Been there, done that.
Caviar
“Arden, nobody really knows what they want to be. It’s just that for some people—by pure chance—the thing it turns out they actually want to be happens to have the same name as the thing they thought they wanted to be.”
Find out what something is and then you’ll find out if you love it.” Now there was a statement with broad applicability if ever I heard one. I sighed.
“Actually,” came Nathaniel’s reply, “it makes it easier because it means you know your partner will always understand that there are times when you have to make work your priority. We both have lives outside the relationship, so neither of us is sitting around in an empty flat all day waiting for the other to come home. I believe the strongest relationships come from a place of equality in all areas.”
Daaaaamn
Because I did, in fact, have a sense of proportion and I also had no idea how to get a gun in the UK. Then again, I did buy a ticket to Boston, so maybe I could pick up a Glock from a corner shop while I was over there.
Shit fuck wankery shit on a stick up your arse with bells on. “Oh. Err. Right.”
The hallway was spacious and light and gorgeous and fuck him. Just fuck him.
“I brought you some wine.” I waved it. “It’s probably not very good because it was six ninety-nine, but it’s called Green Fish and it has a picture of a green fish on the bottle, so, y’know…”
“Look,” I said. “You could have told me we were having roast Martian with cantaloupe and I’d have still got the wrong wine because I know bugger all about the stuff. I brought it because it’s the sort of thing you bring to a dinner party. If I knew you better, I’d have tried to find something you’d actually like—flowers or Turkish delight or posh elderflower juice. But I don’t, so I couldn’t, so you got some crappy wine.”
“I don’t mind it. I just tend to prefer my drinks pink, sweet, and bristling with unnecessary cocktail umbrellas. Y’know, like me.”
God. No wonder Caspian wanted to marry him. The best you could hope for from me in the morning was a sloppy bj I’d probably doze back off in the middle of anyway.
Lillie just turned and sauntered off, her tail curled smugly over her back in that here’s my arsehole, sucker way that cats seemed especially into.
“Am I going to get cat AIDS now?” “No, Arden. You’re not going to get cat AIDS.” For some reason, it sounded way worse repeated back to me. “FIV is not transferable to humans.” “Good to know.” God, I wanted to go home.
“I just told you: I’m good.” There was definitely a panicky glaze in his eyes now. “So you did. But your family? Are all in good health?” “They were, but then Little Timmy was taken by the sweating sickness. Yes, it’s the twenty-first century, so my family are fine. But what the hell is wrong with you? Have you forgotten how to human?”
OMG he just can't be chill lol
“Shit. Sorry.” Twisting my arm round revealed a yellow smudge on my jumper. “It’s fine. It’s fine. I’ve got this.” Thankfully, a napkin did a pretty decent job of mopping up the worst of it. Except—“Fuck, that’s the tablecloth. Nathaniel, I’m so sorry. I swear I had a napkin. Where’s my napkin? Fuck, it’s on the floor. Fuck, I’m sorry.”
there was no way Nathaniel’s smoking talk wasn’t a backhanded dig at all of Caspian’s other “harmful habits.” And while from my point of view there was clear blue water between consensual kinky sex and something that literally gave you lung cancer, Nathaniel clearly had different opinions.
“Look,” I said. “Clearly, this is a mess. We’re all miserable. Nathaniel’s not right for you, and you’re not right for him. You should be with me.”
Noooo you did not say that
Okay, that’s a lie. I didn’t say that.
Phew!!
Shame, really, because like everything else he’d made, it was really good—even if each portion came in its own little bowl so it was all a bit I heard you like crockery, so I put a crockery in your crockery. I never knew what to do with compartmentalised food—did you cross the barricades with it or respect its hauteur? Personally, I preferred stuff that came in a big pot where everyone got to help themselves. Much less complicated.
“Tell me about yourself.” What? Oh no. I hope there’s a special place in hell reserved for people who say “Tell me about yourself.” Maybe not right in Satan’s arsehole with the betrayers, but pretty damn near it. Satan’s taint? Just behind his balls, where it’d be all sweaty with hellfire. “There’s not much to tell.”
You’re living with El—Elean—Ellery, is that correct?” “Yep. In a disused biscuit factory we share with a stuffed walrus called Broderick. There are a lot of drugs and we party late into the night like the no-fucks-given twenty-somethings we are.”
Caspian attempted to glare at us both simultaneously, which didn’t entirely work. “Arden, be quiet. Nathaniel, apologise.” “I will not,” we said in unison.
Nathaniel made a sound like his cat being stood on. “Forgive me for trying to be hospitable to your friends.” “Stop saying that.” Oh fuck me. I was yelling. “I’m not his friend. I loved him. I still do. And I’m going home.”
“You’ve got to be nice to Nik, though.” “Why do I have to be nice to Nik?” “Because he’s got a spinal cord injury. He’s in a wheelchair.” “I’m not going to be nice to someone just because they’re in a wheelchair.” Ellery subjected me to her most withering stare. “That would be ableist.”
Fucking Ellery lol
“Oh my God. You’ve never been on a commercial flight, have you?” She glared. “You little princess.” “I’m a death princess of darkness. Which you’ll learn firsthand if you ever call me princess again.”
“Can’t cope flying economy? God, you’re such a princess.” “You’re talking to a queer boy, Ellery. I’ve always wanted to be a princess.”
“So, what, you’re just going to…wander out into the night?” She thought about it for a moment. “Yeah.” “I’m sure that’s how people get murdered.” “It’s America. I’ll buy a gun.” “Ellery.” I sat up again abruptly. “Do not buy a gun.” “Just a little one. I wouldn’t get an assault rifle or anything.
“Actually, I read it was harder to get handguns because something something concealable something something regulations something something right to hunt shit.” “Oh, okay. I’ll get an AR-15 then. Thanks, Arden.” “You
Sighing, I reflopped. “At least take my coat.” “So I can put my assault rifle in it?” “No, because it’s really fucking cold out there.” “Whatever, Mom.” I wagged a finger at her. “I have your best interests at heart, young lady.” “You’ll never understand me.” She stamped her foot.
They are so funny
Well, fuck me sideways with a rusty banana.
found some untouched snow near a parade of brass ducks in Christmas hats, and tried to make a snowman. Except it ended up looking more like a penis, so we committed to the design, and fashioned a towering, majestic snowdong, complete with scrotum, instead. After we’d unleashed it on the world via Insta, I got worried about kids seeing it, as it were, in the flesh, and went full Bastard of Bolton on our creation.
“And,” I went on, “I will always love you—” Nik, in the fashion of most tragically heterosexual men, wasn’t very good at emotions. Even when he needed them. He blushed. “So gay.” “So gay,” I agreed, laughing. “Although I heard there’s been some new legislation, so now the straights are allowed to have feelings too.”
And I know you say you’ve changed, and probably you have, but when it comes down to the colours of your dreams, and whatever makes your heart fly, and the things that really matter, you always get to choose.” “Choose what?” “What you take with you and what you leave behind.” I let out a shaky breath. “Because that’s all change is.”
“This is just another of his ploys. Can’t you see that?”
Wow Nathaniel
“The point is that Arden has a problem that must be resolved. I shall resolve it and you shall cease distracting me.” Nathaniel actually gasped. “Caspian, I’m your fiancé, not your secretary. You do not talk to me like that.” I think them were what you’d call fightin’ words. Or they would have been if Nathaniel hadn’t sounded terribly hurt. Even Caspian paused. “I’m sorry,” he said more gently, “but I’ve made my decision. Go to the concert.”
“Tea?” “Are you sure?” I touched a finger to the surface, momentarily dispersing the oily film that had gathered there. “Because it looks dreadful. What did you do to it?” A flush was creeping over his cheeks. “I don’t know. I followed a WikiHow.” “You followed a…Have you really never made tea before?” “Well, as you know, I prefer coffee and”—he gave me one of his more abashed smiles—“other people bring it to me.”
“I’m just having a hard time thinking about anything that isn’t what a shitty person I am. Which, now that I say it aloud, is still all about me. Oh my God. Am I a sociopath? Am I a sociopath like he is?” “Arden,” said Caspian, very gently. “Of course you’re not.” I turned my head to look at him. “H-how can you be so sure?” “Sociopaths don’t care whether they’re sociopaths.”
“It’s the nature of such people to make us doubt ourselves. To make us bear the responsibility for their cruelty. How you feel now is just another of his manipulations.”
Rather ironic coming from you, Caspian
“I…Lately I…” He bowed his head. “I have come to wonder who I am protecting with my silence. If it is truly myself.”
That is heartbreaking
“My mum used to read to me, too. It was the loveliest. But I guess it’s the sort of thing you probably have to grow out of.” The shadow of a smile tugged at the corners of Caspian’s lips. “Dad was very fond of quoting C. S. Lewis on that subject: ‘When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up.’”
Awwww
“Rather charming? I am losing my shit here.” I was so excited I was practically bouncing. “I can’t believe you’re going to read me The Princess Bride. That’s so much better than Columbo.” “Better than what?” I huffed out an impatient sigh. “The granddad in the movie—he’s the guy who played Columbo.” A blank look from Caspian. “The detective in the brown raincoat. You know”—I held up a finger—“‘just one more thing.’”
“For the record, I will remind you that I have never stated that I work for Caspian Hart. But”—Finesilver inclined his head, very slightly—“you are correct, my client has no power to dictate your actions. Just as you have no power to, for example, dictate whether my client purchases a controlling share in your employer. Which, I am at liberty to inform you, they have, in fact, done.”
Oh shit
“Tell me about it. Like…there are ways rich people can fuck you up that it never occurred to me you could fuck a person up. Which is, y’know, really socially problematic, but right now I’m just glad it’s over.”
“Don’t be daft, Ardy. You can’t expect to live a life you’re happy to look back on and not fuck it up occasionally. It’s not the fucking up that counts. It’s what you do after.”
Hazel is a wise and badass lady
He gave a deep, rich chuckle. “And I suppose were I to request bread and butter, you would give me cake.” Oh no. He wasn’t getting around me with a cute literary reference. “You’re lucky you’re not getting a face full of boiling water.”
While Ellery, who was not a fan of hugging at the best of times, was stepping voluntarily into Lancaster Steyne’s outstretched arms. Whatever happened next, I couldn’t see. But I heard it: a grisly crunch of cartilage, followed by a low cry, and a curse, from Steyne.
Fuck yes! I knew Ellery would come through
