Unfu*k Yourself: Get Out of Your Head and into Your Life (Unfu*k Yourself series)

by Gary John Bishop

In simple terms, the language you use to describe your circumstances determines how you see, experience, and participate in them and dramatically affects how you deal with your life and confront problems both big and small.

On the other hand, the person who views success as if it were just around the corner will not only work his butt off to achieve it but be energized and alive to it and all the while acting on that fundamental view of success.

How willing are you to consider that your life is the way it is, not because of the weight of your circumstances or situation, but rather the weight of self-talk that pulls you down? That what you think you can and cannot do is influenced much more directly by some subconscious response than by the reality of life itself?!

How we talk, think about, and therefore perceive our surroundings is the very foundation for our reality. Create the reality you want to live in by beginning the process of having the kind of conversations (with yourself and others) that actually shape that reality.

How the heck does one create their own reality? By shifting your self-talk from being a streaming narrative (where you talk about yourself, others, and life, a dialogue of opinion and judgement), to being assertive, where you cast all of the default “noise” aside and assert your power right here and now.

Assertive self-talk is when you stake a claim for this moment of time, right here and now. When you start to talk in terms of “I am . . .” or “I embrace . . .” or “I accept . . .” or “I assert . . . ,” all of which are powerful and commanding uses of language rather than the narrative of “I will . . .” or “I’m going to . . .”

If you’re not willing to take the actions to change your situation—in other words, if you’re willing to put up with your situation—then whether you like it or not, that is the life you have chosen.

you must first accept that while there are things that have happened in your life that you had no say in, you are 100 percent responsible for what you do with your life in the aftermath of those events. Always, every time, no excuses.

Willingness to change, willingness to let go, willingness to accept. Real, magical, inspired willingness.

Either you control your destiny, or your destiny will control you. Life won’t stop for your pauses and procrastinations. It won’t stop for your confusion or fear. It will continue right along without you. Whether you play an active part or not, the show will go on.

Our society has produced such a headlong rush to be the wealthiest, the smartest, the prettiest, the best dressed, the funniest, or the strongest, and somewhere in there we have lost the ability to just be ourselves, free to breathe life and choose our own path rather than carry the burden of social or familial expectation.

What does all that produce? Well, a lot of disappointed and unfulfilled human beings, that’s for sure.

All too often, we focus solely on what we don’t have, even though deep down we don’t really need it or perhaps even want it.

When you start to view the world through the lens of what you’re willing and unwilling to pursue, rather than what it seems you want and don’t want, things start to become a lot clearer.

You are a champion. You’ve knocked out goal after goal, cruising to an undefeated record. Everything you set your mind to comes true.

Look at your own “dark spots,” the parts of your life where you are most ineffective, where it seems like you have lost or are currently losing.

You see, our thoughts are so powerful that they are constantly pushing you toward your goals, even when you don’t realize what those goals actually are! Your brain is wired to win.

You’re always winning because your brain is wired to. The trouble comes when what you really want—on a subconscious level—and what you say you want are different, sometimes radically so.

The path you follow through life is the one dictated by your deepest, most inconspicuous thoughts. Your brain is constantly pushing you along that path, whether it’s the one you would consciously choose to take or not.

Firstly, you have to uncover and realize the ways in which you have limited yourself. The kind of “absolutes” that you are currently unaware of. In short, the conclusions that you have come to about yourself, others, and life itself. Those conclusions are the limit of your potential. It’s only when you have broken through those conclusions and can experience a life outside of your current existence that you start to understand the power of this phenomenon.

The point is, you’re winning in whichever domain you are playing in. You’re wired to win in that domain. What it takes to move out of that domain is going to require some significant changes to your automatic.

“The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts. Therefore, guard accordingly, and take that you entertain no notions unsuitable to virtue and reasonable nature.” - Marcus Aurelius

The thing is, the negative experiences we have rarely stay contained to that one issue. They spread. Like a toxic chemical, they seep into all aspects of our lives.

“If all our misfortunes were laid in one common heap whence everyone must take an equal portion, most people would be content to take their own and depart.” - Socrates

Get connected to your reality, your real life instead of your emotionally soaked self-talk narrative about your life.

But just like a captain facing a major squall, you can’t just let yourself be tossed about. You have to step up and steer your life back in the direction you want it to go. So your journey wasn’t as smooth as you wanted it to be. Does that mean you’re just going to let yourself get blown off course? I didn’t think so. And you definitely shouldn’t let what happens in one area of life affect your outlook on the whole. You just can’t afford to allow your struggles at work to make you miserable at home or let your relationship troubles affect your mood at the office.

Often the reason you can’t see the solution is because you’re too close to the problem. Zoom out a little, zoom out a LOT and look at the big picture. This is a phenomenon similar to what psychologists call “cognitive restructuring”—shifting the way in which your problems are presenting themselves in your life.

In other words, our aversion to risk, which was once necessary, no longer is. Those same survival instincts that once kept us alive can now be the very thing that keeps us from actually living.

Uncertainty is your personal pathway to opportunity. It’s the environment in which you grow, experience new things, and produce new, unprecedented results. Uncertainty is where new happens.

You won’t. Success is never certain. It never comes without risk. Even if you’re the smartest or the hardest working, there’s no guarantee of anything. The people who go on to do great things in their lives know this. They also embrace it.

“In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing.” - Theodore Roosevelt

They didn’t succeed because they were certain they were going to succeed; they succeeded because they didn’t let uncertainty stop them. They did it anyway. They ignored their doubts and kept pushing forward. They were relentless when the only thing they had to fuel them was relentlessness.

By running from uncertainty in search of certainty, we’re actually rejecting the one thing in life that is guaranteed in favor of something that’s nothing more than a fantasy. “All I know,” Socrates once said, “is that I know nothing.” Many wise people understand this. In fact, they owe their wisdom to that very realization—that they don’t actually know a damn thing.

Because when we think we know everything, we inadvertently turn ourselves away from the unknown and, by default, whole new realms of success. The person who accepts how unpredictable and uncertain life is has no choice but to embrace it.

“If you want to improve, be content to be thought foolish and stupid.” - Epictetus

Remember, all of the successes, all of the experiences, all of the things you’ve always dreamed of are waiting for you in uncertainty. Once you accept this, it’s not as scary as before. Sure, you might still be nervous about what will happen, but you’ll also be hopeful and excited at the prospect of what may come.

As I consistently say to my clients, you don’t have to feel like today is your day; you just have to act like it is.

You change your life by doing, not by thinking about doing.

We know your thoughts can become your reality. And when your reality is one of acting on the things that are in your best interests, your thoughts will actually shift to match that.

While your thoughts can become your reality, it’s only through your actions that your thoughts actually become your life. Until then, they are only thoughts.

“Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.” - Dale Carnegie

Fuck how you feel, ACT!

Don’t wait for the mood to strike. Don’t get stuck looking for that magic feeling that will do the work for you. Simply act. Put aside your thoughts and move. It’s not about psyching yourself up. It’s not about getting everything aligned just right. Just act. Do it.

I mean, come on, chances are you can think of plenty of people, past and present, who appeared to have “good thoughts” but never accomplished much. That’s what we become when we’re more worried about how we think than what we do. On the other hand, think of how many people with negative thoughts have gone on to become wildly successful.

All the legendary musicians with drug problems. All the pro athletes with anger management issues. The models with unhealthy body images. The millionaires with scarcity mindsets. We could go on and on. The point is, positive thinking isn’t a predictor of accomplishment any more than negative thinking indicates failure. All of the people described above acted independently of their internal condition. You can, too.

“Action may not bring happiness, but there is no happiness without action.” - Benjamin Disraeli

our biggest successes are born out of discomfort, uncertainty, and risk.

In fact, the greater the degree of discomfort you experience, the greater the difficulty, the greater the sense of personal accomplishment that comes after.

Here’s the deal: true relentlessness comes when the only thing you have left is relentlessness. When it seems all is lost and all hope and evidence for success have long since vanished, relentlessness is the fuel that drives you through.

Listen, when it comes down to it, the world doesn’t stop you from succeeding; you’re not that big of a deal. The universe is conspiring neither for nor against you, and the only thing that stops you is when you buy into the notion that you are stopped. Then, my friend, you really are stopped. Until then, it’s on like freaking Donkey Kong.