Now That You Mention It

by Kristan Higgins

My face felt weird, as it always did when I fake-smiled.

“Sure!” I said, a bit too emphatically.

I wanted the pine trees and rocky shores.

When I thought of them now, my heart pulled at the simplicity of it.

Home was more fun.

Nothing I did seemed to make much impact

I said in my fake-cheery voice.

One thing at a time.

The yard was just a carpet of pine needles, and beyond that, forest and ocean.

Being helpless sucked.

Dogs beat people every time.

I followed awkwardly.

I was going to be sunshiny again, goddamn it.

But being lazy felt pretty good.

trying not to be too much of a downer, to have something interesting to say, to save pajamas for actual bedtime,

Here, it was surprisingly great to do nothing.

I started to type more, then realized I didn’t have a lot to say.

But no. I was a bigger person now. Near-death experience, et cetera, et cetera.

His tail thumped, letting me know I was loved.

By crowds, she meant four to six people.

Not really, but... “You got it.”

“Yep. I am.” So much for witty repartee.

“Yes,” I said. Another eloquent answer.

I ate and waited out the year, trying to be as invisible as possible

For a while I just existed,

When it suited him, he was nice.

She had what I wanted to pull off and failed—quiet confidence.

I had faked my way through that composed, relaxed, funny persona, and it worked.

“That wasn’t bad,” I lied.

New leaf, blah, blah, blah.

There. That felt good. That was the brave me.

Him: Everyone misses you. That was nice. That was good to hear.

Despite having come so far, I still felt a little bit like an imposter.

I belonged here.

someone who enjoyed her own company and loved her friends, too.

and he laughed. My stomach tightened with the thrill of it.

basking in the glow of being loved.

A cloud passed over my sun.

I knew. In that instant, I instinctively knew he wasn’t a good person.

I found myself going numb.

I’d be outgoing and funny again, smart and independent.

“Maybe I will.” I wouldn’t. “Thank you for the invitation.”

but it was so nice to see someone genuinely enthusiastic about my presence.

That made the petty part of me feel good.

Even if she doesn’t react to it, it matters, hearing someone say they love you or they’re glad to see you or that they want to spend time with you.”

I took a hostile drink of wine, if one could do that.

Everyone had two sides. Or three. Or seven.

lovely but a little nervous,

the Dog of Dogs,

It felt so romantic, the sun shining, a breeze off the bay,