How To Enjoy Your Life And Your Job

by Dale Carnegie

So the only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it.

the only way to influence people is to talk in terms of what the other person wants.

“If there is any one secret of success,” said Henry Ford, “it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.” That is so good, I want to repeat it: “If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.” That is so simple, so obvious, that anyone ought to see the truth of it at a glance; yet ninety percent of the people on this earth ignore it ninety percent of the time.

If out of reading this book you get just one thing, an increased tendency to think always in terms of other people’s point of view, and see things from their angle-if you get that one thing out of this book, it may easily prove to be one of the building blocks of your career.

Remember: “First, arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way.”

You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.

People are not interested in you. They are not interested in me. They are interested in themselves

He told me that every time he went on stage he said to himself: “I am grateful because these people came to see me. They make it possible for me to make my living in a very agreeable way. I’m going to give them the very best I possibly can.”

He declared he never stepped in front of the footlights without first saying to himself over and over: “I love my audience. I love my audience.” Ridiculous? Absurd? You are privileged to think anything you like. I am merely passing it on to you without comment as a recipe used by one of the most famous magicians of all time.

I have discovered from personal experience that one can win the attention and time and cooperation of even the most sought-after people by becoming genuinely interested in them.

If we want to make friends, let’s put ourselves out to do things for other people—things that require time, energy, unselfishness, and thoughtfulness.

Showing a genuine interest in others not only wins friends for you, but may develop in its customers a loyalty to your company.

a hundred years before Christ was born, a Roman poet, Publilius Syrus, remarked: “We are interested in others when they are interested in us.”

If you want others to like you, if you want to develop real friendships, if you want to help others at the same time as you help yourself, keep this principle in mind: If We Want to Make Friends, Let’s Greet People with Animation and Enthusiasm

There is one all-important law of human conduct. If we obey that law, we shall almost never get into trouble. In fact, that law, if obeyed, will bring us countless friends and constant happiness. But the very instant we break the law, we shall get into endless trouble. The law is this: Always make the other person feel important.

Jesus summed it up in one thought—probably the most important rule in the world: “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.”

You want the approval of those with whom you come in contact. You want recognition of your true worth. You want a feeling that you are important in your little world. You don’t want to listen to cheap, insincere flattery, but you do crave sincere appreciation.

Little phrases such as “I’m sorry to trouble you,” “Would you be so kind as to?” “Won’t you please?” “Would you mind?” “Thank you”—little courtesies like these relieve the monotonous grind of everyday life—and, incidentally, they are the hallmark of good breeding.

The unvarnished truth is that almost all the people you meet feel themselves superior to you in some way, and a sure way to their hearts is to let them realize in some subtle way that you recognize their importance, and recognize it sincerely.

Remember what Emerson said: “Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In...

“Talk to people about themselves,” said Disraeli, one of the shrewdest men who ever ruled the British Empire. “Talk to people about themselves and they will listen for hours.”

Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.

You can tell people they are wrong by a look or an intonation or a gesture just as eloquently as you can in words—and if you tell them they are wrong, do you make them want to agree with you? Never!

There’s magic, positive magic, in such phrases as: “I may be wrong. I frequently am. Let’s examine the facts.” Nobody in the heavens above or on the earth will ever object to your saying: “I may be wrong. Let’s examine the facts.”

You will never get into trouble by admitting that you may be wrong. That will stop all argument and inspire your opponent to be just as fair and open and broad-minded as you are. It will make him want to admit that he, too, may be wrong.

Carl Rogers, the eminent psychologist, wrote in his book On Becoming a Person: I have found it of enormous value when I can permit myself to understand the other person. The way in which I have worded this statement may seem strange to you. Is it necessary to permit oneself to understand another? I think it is. Our first reaction to most of the statements [which we hear from other people] is an evaluation or judgment, rather than an understanding of it. When someone expresses some feeling, attitude or belief, our tendency is almost immediately to feel “that’s right,” or “that’s stupid,” “that’s abnormal,” “that’s unreasonable,” “that’s incorrect,” “that’s not nice.” Very rarely do we permit ourselves to understand precisely what the meaning of the statement is to the other person.

“I am convinced now that nothing good is accomplished and a lot of damage can be done if you tell a person straight out that he or she is wrong. You only succeed in stripping that person of self-dignity and making yourself an unwelcome part of any discussion.”

Martin Luther King, Jr., was asked how, as a pacifist, he could be an admirer of Air Force General Daniel “Chappie” James, then the nation’s highest-ranking black officer. Dr. King replied, “I judge people by their own principles—not by my own.”

If a man’s heart is rankling with discord and ill feeling toward you, you can’t win him to your way of thinking with all the logic in Christendom.

Begin in a friendly way.

Begin by emphasizing-and keep on emphasizing-the things on which you agree.

Get the other person saying “Yes, yes” at the outset. Keep your opponent, if possible, from saying “No.” A “No” response, according to Professor Harry Overstreet, is a most difficult handicap to overcome. When you have said “No,” all your pride of personality demands that you remain consistent with yourself.

Socrates. He was far too adroit for that. His whole technique, now called the “Socratic method,” was based upon getting a “Yes, yes” response. He asked questions with which his opponents would have to agree. He kept on winning one admission after another until he had an armful of yeses. He kept on asking questions until finally, almost without realizing it, his opponents found themselves embracing a conclusion they would have bitterly denied a few minutes previously.

The Chinese have a proverb pregnant with the age old wisdom of the Orient: “He who treads softly goes far.”

No one likes to feel that he or she is being sold something or told to do a thing. We much prefer to feel that we are buying of our own accord or acting on our own ideas.

Letting the other person feel that the idea is his or hers not only works in business and politics, it works in family life as well.

Ralph Waldo Emerson in his essay “Self-Reliance” stated: “In every work of genius we recognize our own rejected thoughts; they come back to us with a certain alienated majesty.”

Men of age object too much, consult too long, adventure too little, repent too soon, and seldom drive business home to the full period, but content themselves with a mediocrity of success.

a person usually has two good reasons for doing a thing: one that sounds good and a real one.

So, in order to change people, appeal to the nobler motives.

Nothing will work in all cases—and nothing will work with all people. If you are satisfied with the results you are getting, why change? If you are not satisfied, why not experiment?

Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.

Simply changing one three-letter word can often spell the difference between failure and success in changing people without giving offense or arousing resentment. Many people begin their criticism with sincere praise followed by the word “but” and ending with a critical statement.

This could be easily overcome by changing the word “but” to “and.”

Calling attention indirectly to someone’s mistakes works wonders with sensitive people who may resent bitterly any direct criticism.

Don’t Call Attention to People’s Mistakes Directly

It isn’t nearly so difficult to listen to a recital of your faults if the person criticizing begins by humbly admitting that he, too, is far from impeccable.

Admitting one’s own mistakes—even when one hasn’t corrected them—can help convince somebody to change his or her behavior.

One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today.

Asking questions not only makes an order more palatable; it often stimulates the creativity of the persons whom you ask.