Not Yet Married: The Pursuit of Joy in Singleness and Dating

by Marshall Segal

Don’t assume that a good desire confirmed by good friends is good for you.

Counterfeit sex—distorted sex, plagiarized sex, self-gratifying sex—steals the life and pleasure it was meant to give.

pierces quietly and deeply to the most vulnerable and longest-lasting parts of us. In whatever package—however romantic, exciting, and culturally accepted—it is not safe. Sin promises to please, but subtly and destructively wounds. “The sorrows of those who run after another god shall multiply” (Ps. 16:4).

Sin promises to produce happiness, but it only creates and multiplies pain, sadness, regret, and shame.

“Flee from sexual immorality. . . . Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body” (1 Cor. 6:18–20).

our sexual immorality makes the cross look cheap,

Our sexual purity will either make the cross look real and valuable, or it won’t.

“This is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God” (1 Thess.

“everyone who is sexually immoral or impure . . . has no inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God” (Eph.

Talk through where your heart really is—what you are treasuring most, what you are expecting from your dating relationship, and how willing you are to compromise.

Don’t just avoid sexual immorality, but pursue patience, self-control, and trust. Think of everything you don’t do together now as something you are doing together to maximize your happiness and freedom in marriage.

Ambiguity is a weapon of manipulation in dating, not a way to move toward marriage.

Love her enough to never make her draw the line.

one new critical dimension to your dating relationships: it knows you.

accountable is to be truly, deeply, consistently known by someone who cares enough to keep us from making mistakes or indulging in sin.

I’ve had lots of friends over the years, but the ones who have been willing to press in, ask harder questions, and offer unwanted (but wise) counsel are the friends I respect and prize the most.

We all need courageous, persistent, and hopeful

friends and counselors in the dangerous and murky waters of dating.

Be accountable to a local church: plug in, get to know and be known by a few people, seek out people different from you,

We need real friends who know us well enough and who are regularly and actively involved in our relationship.

Do not wait for a friend to ask you how things are going. Seek out those few friends and share openly. Don’t make them ask really good questions. Be prepared to admit your insecurities and inadequacies and to confess your failures.

“Examine yourselves, to see whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves” (2 Cor. 13:5).

“This light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison” (2 Cor. 4:17).

After the emotional tidal wave has crashed and passed, take some time alone and then with close friends to assess where God is carrying you—

more gracious, more discerning, or more faithful—

Hearts that have been given away, at whatever level, need to heal and develop new expectations.

Reconciliation does not require closeness.

Own your own sin and ask for forgiveness where it is needed. Then be honest about how you came to this decision, how God made this direction clear to you. Sure, some things will be intangible, but find the tangible factors. This is not a license to say harmful things, but helpful things, even if they may hurt initially.

Talk to someone who knows what it takes to persevere in marriage and see what they think about your “deal breaker(s)” in the relationship.

The heart of Christian dating is looking for clarity more than intimacy.

“A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not quench, until he brings justice to victory” (Matt. 12:20).