Not Yet Married: The Pursuit of Joy in Singleness and Dating

by Marshall Segal

And we foolishly think finding love will mysteriously unlock growth and maturity in our lives.

but the testimony of most is that marriage is more diagnosis than prescription in our pursuit of godliness.

Fortunately for the not yet married, the union that matters most doesn’t require a license from our local county administrator.

love offers us

Preoccupation with and self-pity in our inadequacies promise to make us feel better, but they lack any real power to help. But God can give us real peace: “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Phil. 4:6–7).

All our waiting is worth it, if through it we get more of the one for whom our souls are all ultimately waiting.

When a man and woman get married, they do become one, but not more fully one than any single believer.

When a person's walk with God suffers, the body of Christ is weakened. We are part of the Body.

“Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain” (1 Cor. 15:58).

Self-control, though, is a fruit of the Spirit, not of a spouse.

Our broken desires for images or videos suggest all the fruits are rotting, not just self-control.

Should I even be asking God for this? Should I still be asking God for this? Do I even know what I need?

“Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever” (Ps. 73:25–26).

“Pray also for us, that God may open to us a door for the word, to declare the mystery of Christ” (Col. 4:3).

How do we persevere through our deepest pains and disappointments? “Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray” (James 5:13).

And that’s because he is utterly, relentlessly committed to giving his precious sons and daughters what’s best for them, when it’s best for them, and only if it’s best for them.

His plan revolves around his desires. Sometimes our desires ar neutral -maybe for things he designed- but they are just not part of his plan.

1. Not my will, but yours, be done.

3. Satisfy me so fully now that I never look to anyone else to make me happy. Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love, that we may rejoice and be glad all our days. (Ps. 90:14)

Capture my heart again, and secure it against all of Satan’s lies. 4.

Father, use me and my gifts to make your name great in the world. I want my life to count for the mission you have given us. I want it to count today, even while I am still young and single. Fill me with ambition, creativity, and selflessness for the sake of your glory.

receive every task, every meeting, every chore, and every project as an act of worship.

We can’t let prayer sit on the edge of our priorities. We have to bathe all our priorities in prayer.

Friends who enjoy sex with “no strings attached” will find pleasure but not the peaks waiting on the other side of mutual promises.

happiness of marriage is not only or even mainly physical. With the sex, there ought to be a deep sense of safety, a sense of being loved and accepted for who you are, a desire to please without the need to impress.

Most of my married friends would say that what seems fun and pretty and unbreakable at the altar did not feel as clean or easy even days into their lives together.

It’s still intensely good and beautiful, but it’s costly, too costly for small aims. Before

What makes marriage worth having is that you, your spouse, and those around you see more of God and his love in Jesus.

marriage really is less about compatibility than commitment.

What does Sarah think about this?

Therefore, the search for a spouse isn’t a pursuit of perfection but a mutually flawed pursuit of Jesus.

We pursue attention, affection, significance, and security.

Satan wants to subtly help us build marriage and family idols that are too fragile for our not-yet-married relationships.

If we don’t acknowledge our enemy and engage him, we’ll find ourselves wondering how we lost so easily.

You will be hard-pressed, though, to find a married couple regretting the boundaries they made in dating, while you will very easily find those that wish they had made more.

When I say missionary dating, I mean dating that displays and promotes faith in Jesus and his good news, a dating that is in step with the gospel before the watching world.

I want us to win disciples by dating radically, by confronting the world’s paradigms and pleasure seeking with sacrifice, selflessness, and intentionality.

that the ground under your lives and relationship is firmer than the flimsy flings they’ve known.

together? Are the two of you thinking proactively about how to bless your friends and family and point them to Christ? More and more, as the world is watering down dating, your relationship can be a provocative picture of your fidelity to Christ and a call to follow him.

That means ultimately there’s nothing original or new to say. God has told us how to live and how to love. Our job is to listen and listen and listen, and then maybe try to make sense of what it means today.

But we have to be willing to put in the time and wait for him to

speak. Paul

They blamed their emptiness, loneliness, and joylessness on marriage instead of seeing that it was never meant to satisfy their deepest needs.

And it’s regularly (and sadly) evaluated, and even ended, based on whether it’s serving our other aspirations.

pursuing clarity and then intimacy.

pulled over and bought something quicker and cheaper on the side of the road.

But is there a unique prize for the believer in marriage? Yes, it is Christ-centered emotional and sexual intimacy with another believer.

There is too much at stake with our hearts and too many risks involved without a ring.

One piece of the clarity we need in our own hearts is a personal, subjective sense of calling—a sense that our desire to get married to this person is a good desire that’s a result of God’s work in us rather than a bad desire that’s yet to be redeemed and reshaped by God.

When God is our greatest joy—our greatest desire and greatest priority—we can begin to trust the desires of our hearts.

you need someone who won’t let you have that spot.

But if his love for you is an expression of his love for God, he will be supernaturally focused and equipped to love you in all the daily needs and circumstances of marriage.

Christians should be cultivating hearts that are more attracted to faith and character than anything else.