Insight: Why We Are Less Self-Aware Than We Think—and What to Do About It

by Tasha Eurich

Yet not only does focusing on solutions—a technique called solutions-mining—help us reach our goals in record time; it has the surprising benefit of helping us think less but understand more.

Miracle Question

Imagine that tonight as you sleep a miracle occurs in your life [that] has completely solved this problem….Think for a moment…how is life going to be different now? Describe it in detail. What’s the first thing you’ll notice as you wake up in the morning?

when we express our goals in terms of how we will learn and grow, it opens us up to a whole new level of insight and achievement.

The point is that there are many ways to approach internal self-awareness—life stories for probing our past, meditative and non-meditative mindfulness for noticing our present, and solutions-mining for shaping our future. Though it’s worth trying each of them at some point, you may find that certain tools work better than others. After all, part of building insight is learning what methods of self-exploration work best for you.

KEY CONCEPTS AND TAKEAWAYS: CHAPTER 6 Mindfulness: Noticing what we’re thinking, feeling, and doing without judgment or reaction. Mindfulness tools Meditation: Mantras aren’t for everyone. Choose the method that works for you. Reframing: Look at a situation from multiple angles. Compare and contrast: Look for patterns or changes in our feelings and behaviors over time. Daily check ins: Take 5 minutes to reflect on what you learned today. Life story technique: An approach that helps us look backward to learn how our past experiences shaped us. Tool: Write your life story. Solutions mining: Focusing on solutions rather than problems to move forward with insight and purpose. Tool: The miracle question.

other people generally see us more objectively than we see ourselves.

self-awareness is not one truth. It’s a complex interweaving of our views and others’ views of us.

If the first barrier to external self-awareness is other people’s reluctance to tell the truth, the second is our reluctance to ask for it.

The answer is loving critics: people who will be honest with us while still having our best interests at heart.

The first is a level of mutual trust.

To produce truly useful insight, the person must also have sufficient exposure to the behavior you want feedback on and a clear picture of what success looks like.

The third and final factor in selecting a loving critic is whether they will be willing and able to be brutally honest with you.

The most important characteristic of the right questions is specificity. A good way to think about this is to look at the scientific method. When scientists—chemists, physicists, and yes, even psychologists—build theories, we test specific hypotheses about the phenomenon we’re studying. By the same token, if you can come up with a working hypothesis or two about how other people see you—for example, “I think I have a tendency to come across as timid and non-authoritative when I meet with clients; is that your experience?”—it will give you a focused framework for the conversation and help you either confirm or deny your suspicion.

In general, it’s a good idea to focus on just one or two working hypotheses at a time.

You can’t—and shouldn’t—try to transform yourself overnight.

Dinner of Truth,

Contact a close friend, family member, or mentor—someone who knows you well and with whom you want to strengthen your relationship. Invite this person to a meal. During the meal, ask them to tell you the one thing that annoys them most about you. But first, tell the person why you’re doing this, that nothing is off-limits, and that you aren’t allowed to answer defensively—only to listen with an open heart and mind.

KEY CONCEPTS AND TAKEAWAYS: CHAPTER 7 The prism metaphor: Every time we get a new perspective on our behavior, it helps us see ourselves in a richer, more multidimensional way. The MUM effect: People prefer to withhold the truth when it comes to telling us how they see us. CEO Disease: The tendency for people in powerful positions to be less self-aware; when the overconfidence that results from past successes makes it challenging to hear feedback—and others reluctant to give The Ostrich Trinity: The excuses we make up to avoid getting feedback: I don’t need to ask for it; I shouldn’t ask for it; I don’t want to ask for it. Tools for eliciting candid feedback 360 feedback The RIGHT Feedback The right people: Loving critics The right questions: Specific, test a hypothesis about ourselves The right process: Observation period, conversations, follow-up The Dinner of Truth

To gain true insight, we also have to learn how to hear that truth—not just listen to it, but really hear it.

receive, reflect on, and respond to feedback.

we often lack insight into a more surprising sort of stereotype: the self-limiting beliefs we hold about ourselves and how others see us. And whether we know it or not, we all have them.

Sheryl Sandberg published Lean In,

self-affirmation. When faced with feedback in an area that plays into our self-limiting beliefs, merely taking a few minutes to remind ourselves of another important aspect of our identity than the one being threatened

Fascinatingly, there’s even evidence that self-affirmation buffers our physical responses to threat—it reduces our levels of the stress hormone cortisol, which helps us think more rationally and not lose sight of the bigger picture.*2

self-affirmation makes us “more open to ideas that would otherwise be too painful to accept.” After all, when we remember the greater picture of who we are, we can put seemingly threatening information in its proper perspective.

reminiscing reduces rumination and increases well-being.

self-affirmation is most effective when you do it before getting threatening feedback.

in the process of moving from mirror to prism, we will sometimes uncover things that will be difficult to change—flaws that are woven throughout the fabric of who we are. The best way to manage our weaknesses isn’t always clear-cut, but the first step is to openly admit them to ourselves, and then to others.

when it comes to surprising and critical feedback, though changing is often a good option, it’s not the only option. Sometimes being self-aware simply means admitting these flaws to ourselves—and to our colleagues, our employees, our friends, and our families—while setting expectations for how we are likely to behave.

surprising feedback can often open our eyes to strengths we never knew we had.

When we learn something critical and surprising, we can work to change, like Steve; to reframe the feedback, like Florence; or to embrace it and be open about it, like Levi. When we learn something critical and confirming—that is, something that reinforces our prior insecurities or vulnerabilities—we can use self-affirmation to channel it productively and work to minimize the impact of that weakness on our careers and our lives. With positive and surprising feedback, we can acknowledge and further invest in our newfound strengths, like Tom. And finally, as we saw with Kelsey, positive and confirming feedback gives us the confidence we need to continue on our chosen paths.

And regardless of how surprising or upsetting or gratifying that feedback may feel, reflecting on it and responding to it are far, far better than the alternative. As author Marianne Williamson once said, “It takes courage…to endure the sharp pains of self-discovery rather than choose…the dull pain of unconsciousness that would last the rest of our lives.” The most successful, fulfilled, and self-aware people are simply not content with this dull pain. They take charge, bravely seeking out the truth on their own terms, making sense of it, and using it to improve where they can—all the while knowing that the occasional sharp pains of self-discovery are absolutely worth it.

KEY CONCEPTS AND TAKEAWAYS: CHAPTER 8 Self-limiting beliefs/Stereotype threat: The stereotypes we hold about ourselves that hold us back. Four types of feedback: Positive and confirming, positive and surprising, negative and confirming, negative and surprising. Tools to deal with surprising or difficult feedback The 3R Model: Receive, Reflect, Respond Self-affirmation: Not deluding ourselves to think we are better than we are, but rather, reminding ourselves of our objective strengths and seeing the bigger picture of who we are Tool: Affirming our values Tool: Reminiscing Accept what we can’t change (and put our energy toward what we can)

These effects also extend to our homes and families. In one study, when mothers could successfully identify and manage their emotions, their children were happier and more self-aware a full year later. Having seen self-awareness modeled through a parent, they were more likely to develop this valuable skill themselves.

When a leader is authentic, team members learn that it’s not just okay but expected to honestly reflect on the Five Cornerstones (and the Seven Pillars on an individual level, for that matter).

Equally important is to know and communicate your credo—that is, the values that define the behaviors you expect from yourself and your team.

Undeniably, this can feel easier said than done. Most leaders I know who have completed the Leader Feedback Process, for example, come away with a long, overwhelming list of strengths to hone and weaknesses to address. And the longer the list, the more daunting and paralyzing it can feel. Yet this need not be the case. Just one thing separates people who successfully act on insight from those who don’t: the ability to take things one step at a time.

KEY CONCEPTS AND TAKEAWAYS: CHAPTER 10 Delusional people: People who have no idea how their behavior impacts those around them. How to deal with the three types of delusional people The Lost Cause: They cling to their delusions; it is futile to challenge their self-views. Tool: Compassion without judgment Tool: Floating feet-first The “Aware Don’t Care”: They see their behavior clearly, but not its negative impact. Tool: The laugh track Tool: State our needs The Nudgeable: They want to change, but don’t know what they need to change. Tool: Confront with compassion

THE 7-DAY INSIGHT CHALLENGE Day 1: Select Your Self-Awareness Spheres On a piece of paper, list the three most important spheres of your life: work, school, parenting, marriage, friends, community, faith, philanthropy, etc. For each sphere, write a few sentences about what success looks like using the Miracle Question: If you woke up tomorrow and everything in that area of life was near-perfect, what would that look like? Then, given your definition of success, rate how satisfied you are now on a scale of 1 (completely unsatisfied) to 10 (completely satisfied). Your biggest opportunities for self-awareness are those where you’re not as satisfied as you want to be. Circle the one or two spheres that you most want to improve (these are your target self-awareness spheres). Think about what is keeping you from achieving your definition of success and what changes you could make to get there. Day 2: Study the Seven Pillars Find a trusted friend, family member, or colleague. Go through the Seven Pillars of Insight together (this page). For each pillar, describe how you see yourself (e.g., what are your values?) and then ask the other person to share how they see you (e.g., what do they think your values are?). (And please, be a good friend and help your partner examine his or her own pillars!) After your discussion, reflect on the similarities and differences between your answers about yourself and your partner’s answers about you. What did you learn from this exercise, and how ...

APPENDIX A What Are Your Values? Understanding our values—that is, the principles that guide how we want to live our lives—is the first pillar of insight. Values help us define the person we want to be, as well as set the stage for the other six pillars. Here are a few questions to help you better understand yours: What values were you raised with? Does your current belief system reflect those values, or do you see the world differently than you were brought up to see it? What were the most important events or experiences of your childhood and young adulthood? How did they shape your view of the world? At work and in life, whom do you most respect and what do you respect about them? Whom do you least respect and what makes you feel this way? Who is the best (and the worst) boss you’ve ever had, and what did she or he do to earn that moniker? When it comes to raising a family or mentoring others, what behaviors would you most and least want to instill? To help you further identify or narrow your most important values, below is a fairly exhaustive list: Acceptance Accuracy Achievement Adventure Attractiveness Authority Autonomy Beauty Caring Challenge Change Comfort Commitment Compassion Contribution Cooperation Courtesy Creativity Dependability Duty Ecology Excitement Faithfulness Fame Family Fitness Flexibility Forgiveness Friendship Fun Generosity Genuineness God’s Will Growth Health Helpfulness Honesty Hope Humility Humor Independence Industry Inner Peace Intimacy Justic...

APPENDIX B What Are Your Passions? Understanding our passions—the second pillar of insight—is key to making choices and decisions that line up with what we love to do, both in our careers and in our personal lives. Here are a few questions to help you get started in exploring your passions: What kind of day would make you leap out of bed in the morning? What types of projects or activities do you never seem to get sick of? What types of projects or activities do you find least enjoyable? If you retired tomorrow, what would you miss the most about your work? What are your hobbies and what do you like about them? If you’re looking for more guidance to unlock your passions, there is no shortage of “What color is your parachute”–like assessments, and I certainly encourage you to take them. But not all are created equal, so make sure you’re taking a test that’s been well validated. Two of the best are: The Holland RIASEC Model (you can find a free version at: http://personality-testing.info/​tests/​RIASEC/ or http://www.truity.com/​test/​holland-code-career-test). The Strong Interest Inventory (you can purchase the test at http://www.discoveryourpersonality.com/​strong-interest-inventory-career-test.html or http://careerassessmentsite.com/​tests/​strong-tests/​about-the-strong-interest-inventory).

APPENDIX C What Are Your Aspirations? Steve Jobs once said, “I want to make a dent in the universe.” This is the essence of the third pillar of insight: our aspirations, or what we want to experience and achieve. Here are a few questions to help you identify your dent: When you were younger, what did you want to be when you grew up and what drew you to this profession? Is the way you’re currently spending your time meaningful and gratifying to you? Is there anything you feel is missing? Imagine that you are an impartial party reading a list of your values and passions. What might a person like this want to do and experience in his or her life? What legacy do you want to leave behind? Imagine that you only had one year left on earth. How would you spend that time?

APPENDIX D What Is Your Ideal Environment? Understanding where we fit—that is, the type of environment we require to be happy and engaged—is the fourth pillar of insight. Fit can help guide us in making major life decisions: what city to live in, what kind of life partner will fulfill us, what career or company will help us thrive, etc. Here are a few questions to help you understand your ideal environment: In the past, when have you performed at your best at work, and what were the characteristics of those settings? In school, what type of learning approach or classroom setting helps/helped you learn the most and the least? Have you ever left a job because the environment wasn’t a good fit for you? If so, what about it didn’t work for you? If you had to describe your ideal work environment, what would it be? What types of social situations and relationships tend to make you the happiest?

APPENDIX E What Are Your Personality Traits? Pinning down our personality can be a lifelong process. With all the personality assessments out there, it’s easy to get overwhelmed. So, to simplify matters, let’s focus on the five global personality traits that psychologists have isolated. Let’s start with a high-level, albeit unscientific, snapshot. Mark an “X” where you believe you fall on each of these scales below:* These items measured Extraversion, Agreeableness, Neuroticism, Conscientiousness, Openness (in that order). The closer to the left each response is, the more you possess that trait. If you want a more scientific assessment of your Big Five personality traits, the most common measures are the NEO-PI-R (a commercial assessment) and the IPIP (a free assessment at http://www.personal.psu.edu/​~j5j/​IPIP/). * Adapted from Gosling, S. D., Rentfrow, P. J., & Swann Jr., W. B. (2003). A very brief measure of the Big-Five personality domains. Journal of Research in Personality 37, 504–528.

APPENDIX F What Are Your Strengths and Weaknesses? The sixth pillar of insight is our reactions—that is, our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in any given moment. Such reactions, at their core, are often a reflection of our strengths and weaknesses. Here are a few questions to help you begin to understand yours. Your Strengths In the past, what have you picked up easily without a lot of training? What do you seem to do faster or better than other people? What type of work makes you feel most productive? What type of work do you feel the most proud of? What have you accomplished that’s genuinely surprised you? Your Weaknesses What are your biggest failures and what commonalities exist between them? When have you been most disappointed with your performance? What piece of constructive feedback have you heard from others most often? What tasks and activities do you dread most? What qualities do your loved ones playfully tease you about? Remember, when it comes to gaining real-time insight on our momentary reactions to the world, the trick is to reflect less and notice more—so you also might examine the tool of mindfulness in chapter 6, which is arguably the most effective approach for actually gaining insight about our real-time reactions.

APPENDIX G What Is Your Impact on Others? As we’ve seen throughout the book, it’s easy to lose sight of the effect that our behavior has on others—the seventh pillar—yet examining people’s reactions and responses to us is a critical part of becoming more self-aware. Here are some initial questions to help you start to reflect on the impact you might be having on others: In your life and work, who are the people in whom you have a vested interest (employees, spouse, kids, customers, etc.)? For each of these people or groups, what is the impression that you would like to create? Think about your behavior in the last week with each person or group. If you were a neutral party observing that behavior, would you see it as having the impact you’re aiming for? In the last week, what reactions have you observed from each person or group? Think back to your interactions and try to recall not just how they responded to you verbally, but also their facial expressions, body language, and tone. Do these match up with your intentions? If not, what changes could you make? If you see an opportunity to change your approach in ways that would help you to achieve the impact you desire, what could you experiment with starting tomorrow, and how will you assess your impact?

APPENDIX H Do You Have Unknown Unknowns? U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld is famous for his statement about “known knowns,” “known unknowns” and “unknown unknowns.” When it comes to self-awareness, the “unknown unknowns” are what can hurt us most. It’s uncomfortable to consider the possibility that we don’t know ourselves as well as we think, but it’s absolutely essential. Read the statements below and circle the ones that apply to you. The more statements you’ve circled, the more you should be questioning your beliefs about yourself and getting feedback to calibrate those beliefs. Has your job or career made you feel unhappy or unfulfilled for a prolonged period of time? Have you ever been surprised that you didn’t get a promotion or a job you applied for? Have you ever failed at a task or project when you were sure that you’d succeed? Have you ever been surprised by the results of a performance evaluation or a 360 assessment? Have you ever been blindsided by negative feedback from a boss, peer, employee, or loved one? Has a work colleague or loved one ever been angry with you without your knowing why? Have any of your romantic or platonic relationships taken a sudden turn for the worse for reasons you didn’t completely understand? Have any of your romantic or platonic relationships ended unexpectedly? What Are Your Assumptions? One way to avoid the Three Blindspots is to identify your assumptions before you make critical decisions. Here are a few questions to he...

APPENDIX I Are You a Member of the Cult of Self? For each item below, circle which of the two options (the left or right) best describes you: The test you just took is a sampling of items from the Narcissistic Personality Inventory.* The more items on the left you circled, the more narcissistic qualities you may possess. Don’t worry—having a few narcissistic tendencies doesn’t necessarily mean you are a narcissist. But it might mean you have some work to do in resisting the Cult of Self. * Daniel R. Ames, Paul Rose, and Cameron P. Anderson. “The NPI-16 as a short measure of narcissism.” Journal of Research in Personality 40.4 (2006): 440–450.

APPENDIX J How Humble Are You? Although it’s in increasingly rare supply in our Cult of Self world, humility is a necessary ingredient of self-awareness. Being humble means having an appreciation for our weaknesses, keeping our successes in perspective, and acknowledging the contributions of others. For each item below, choose the number that best describes your behavior in general. Try to look at how you’re actually behaving, rather than how you wish to behave. Because others can often see what we can’t, it may be helpful to have a trusted advisor weigh in as well. When you’re finished, average your responses and review the guide on the next page.