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We all have multiple selves, but in our intimate relationships, over time, we tend to reduce our complexity to a shrunken version of ourselves. One of the essential components of recovery is finding ways to reintroduce the many pieces that were abandoned or exiled along the way.
“premised on respectful extramarital liberty”—a
Her husband did not just fall in love with another woman—he fell for the woman Julie could have been.
Infidelity needs to be seen not simply as a pathology or a dysfunction. We must lend a careful ear to the emotional resonance of transgressive experiences as well as to their fallout; otherwise we perpetuate the compartmentalization that undergirded the affair itself.
Today I am a woman torn between the terror that everything might change and the equal terror that everything might carry on exactly the same for the rest of my days. —Paulo Coelho, Adultery
Affairs are quintessential erotic plots in the ancient sense of eros as life energy.
When I ask people what “being alive” means, they lay out a multifaceted experience. Power, validation, confidence, and freedom are the most common flavors.
In the face of the helplessness and vulnerability we feel at such moments, infidelity can be an act of defiance.
Compromises that seemed reasonable yesterday become unbearable today. “Life is short, have an affair.” AshleyMadison.com’s infamous slogan may seem crude, but it is aptly targeted.
Her sweeping self-blame blocks all avenues for understanding and change, for her as well as for her marriage. We need to separate “wrong” from “hurtful,” so that she can acknowledge the positive aspects of her experience, all the while taking responsibility for the pain it caused.
They are loath to disturb the stability of their domestic lives with the intemperate energy of eros. They may want to escape the cozy nest temporarily, but they sure don’t want to lose it.
For some, the security they find in the relationship gives them the necessary trust to play, to take risks, and to safely lust. But for many others, the nesting qualities that nurture love are the same ones that slowly stifle desire.
since time immemorial, women have put their emotional needs ahead of their erotic needs.
We interpret the lack of sexual interest as proof that women’s sexual drive is inherently less strong. Perhaps it would be more accurate to think that it is a drive that needs to be stoked more intensely and more imaginatively—and first and foremost by her, not only by her partner.
Yet marriage and motherhood demand a level of selflessness that is at odds with the inherent selfishness of desire. Being responsible for others makes it harder for women to focus on their own needs, to feel spontaneous, sexually expressive, and carefree. For many, finding at home the kind of self-absorption that is essential to erotic pleasure proves a challenge. The burdens of caretaking are indeed a powerful anti-aphrodisiac.
three core themes that “represent dragging forces on sexual desire.” First, the institutionalization of relationships—a passage from freedom and independence to commitment and responsibility. Second, the overfamiliarity that develops when intimacy and closeness replace individuality and mystery. And lastly, the desexualizing nature of certain roles—mother, wife, and house manager all promote the de-eroticization of the self.
She needs to go after what she wants herself, not what he wants from her.
Reconciling the erotic and the domestic is not a problem to solve; it is a paradox to manage.
Our erotic proclivities and inhibitions originate in our early experiences and develop throughout our lives. Sometimes it takes a bit of psychological sleuthing to uncover sexual blocks, but very little in the erotic psyche is happenstance.
She is sexually assertive, even demanding, and never reminds him of his victimized mother or his overwhelmed wife. Her confidence and availability are a turn-on that frees him from any caretaking responsibilities.
“That’s not a marriage!” he counters. So often, the same man who won’t touch his wife can’t bear the thought that someone else might do so. There is a little boy inside, terrified he might lose his mommy.
New definitions of masculinity are fast emerging, and modern men are encouraged to embrace a whole new suite of emotional skills that were not traditionally part of their repertoire. At the same time, the old definitions die hard. Too many men are ensnared in outdated and self-defeating ideals of male sexual prowess, which sire shame and humiliation. Advice columnist Irma Kurtz sums up this predicament: “Men are finding it ever more difficult to squeeze themselves and their erections into the shrinking maneuvering space between being a wimp or being a rapist.”
Men are much more likely to soothe their inner rumblings by turning to less emotionally complicated forms of sex, including solitary pleasures and paid ones.
When we say about men that all they want is sex, maybe we shouldn’t take this literally. Sex is the entrance to their emotional antechamber.
Perhaps hidden in women’s pursuit of love lies a host of physical yearnings that can be justified only when wrapped in an emotional package.
Jonah had felt affirmed as a man by this powerful, sexy woman, and hoped she would redeem him from his geeky self-image. What a surprise, then, when he slowly realized that she wanted him to remain that guy.
But it’s important to analyze our sexual choices—both sanctioned and illicit—within the frame of the culture of the day.
Part of my work in post-infidelity involves direct coaching as to how, why, where, and when to talk about sex.
For people who live in the swamp of emotional torments that signify common marital sadism2—neglect, indifference, intimidation, contempt, rejection, and disdain—infidelity may be an expression of self-preservation and self-determination.
Being stuck should not be confused with being faithful.
Nobody wants to return to domestic rape or duty sex, but we also need to acknowledge that when one partner unilaterally decides there will be no (or very little) sex, that is not monogamy—it’s enforced celibacy.
“Tell me how you were loved and I will know a lot about how you make love” is one of my guiding questions. Unearthing these issues helps to release the sexual blocks.
I teach them how to turn their criticisms into requests and their frustrations into feedback, and to be open and vulnerable with each other.
I collaborate with sex educators, trauma therapists, Tantra practitioners, sexological body workers, dance teachers, fashion consultants, acupuncturists, nutritionists—anyone who can help. Sexuality intersects with all these modalities.
It was plain to see that they had organized around his desire and her refusal. In the beginning, he hotly pursued her and she was in the responsive role. She welcomed his advances. Gradually her interest gave way to resistance, and his wanting morphed into neediness. That was such a turnoff that it made her double down on her withdrawal. The more he begged, the more put off she was. And the more closed she was, the more clingy he became. In a classic pursuer-distancer dynamic, each of them would reinforce in the other the very behavior they abhorred.
“infidelity sometimes provides an emotional spacing that may allow imperfect love, sex, and family relationships to persist or endure over time.”4
Consensual nonmonogamy means that both partners have equal say in the decision to take unfulfilled hankerings elsewhere.
“We’ll break the marriage rules that don’t work so well anymore before we’ll condone revising them.”6
To this day, emotional and sexual rejection don’t get the same press as lascivious wanderings. When we treat infidelity as the mother of all betrayals, we collectively resist a necessary reckoning, as couples and as a culture, with the complexity of marriage.
I’ve decided that as long as I’m confident that I alone have his romantic and sexual feelings, I can share his time and attention with her, albeit with a struggle.”
that our relationship styles are “not a matter of nature or nurture, hardwiring or social construct. Rather the way we form relationships is influenced by a complex web of biological, psychological, and social aspects which would be impossible to disentangle.”
miserable, has no intention of ever getting stuck. She wants an “intentional relationship.” “When we come home, I want to know that it’s out of free choice rather than obligation.” She sees her agreement with Ella as reinforcing their trust. “We are devoted, but we don’t own each other. We respect each other’s independence and individuality.”
“Neither of us feels that our bond with each other is threatened by our appreciation for newness and variety.
All of them are trying to wrap their arms around the imponderables: Can love be plural? Is possessiveness intrinsic to love or is it merely a vestige of patriarchy? Can jealousy be transcended? Can commitment and freedom coexist?
Contrary to the stereotypes of bored, immature, commitment-phobic people engaging in a licentious romp, these experiments in living are built on thoughtful communication and careful consideration.
If we get too close to others, one of us might fall in love with someone else and leave.
Philosopher Aaron Ben-Ze’ev makes a distinction between two relationship models, one defined by exclusiveness, the other by uniqueness. The first one focuses on what is forbidden with another, whereas the second one centers on what is special about the beloved.
Nonmonogamy requires equal footing and trust. A couple needs shared agency when they are going to enter an open relationship. Both parties need to feel that they are choosing from a position of parity.
More often than not, they justify these conclusions on the questionable grounds that sexual diversity is more “natural” for men than it is for women. How convenient! They are usually taken aback when I point out that the “progressive” arrangement they are seeking is ultimately quite regressive—polygamy. There is nothing radical in a man imposing his mistress on his wife.
Inequality, gender, power, and a solid foundation are all considerations that need to be addressed before broaching how to open up a relationship.
