Notes of a Crocodile

by Qiu Miaojin

I was dying to talk to you, but I was always afraid that the slightest peep could make you run away.

said the only reason that someone dear to you leaves you is because they love you and you’ll always love them.

The grief that had been long dormant in her now awakened, her crying descended into wailing. I could feel the pain she’d been going through.

He was so fatherly toward me. Lazi, I could have seduced him in a second.

Hahahaha

Her words showed that her fate was out of her hands, that when karma began to flow, despair was only natural.

Her scent has been ingrained in me ever since, and I can still recall it at any given moment.

On how to love well: Instead of embracing a romantic ideal, you must confront the meaning of every great love that has shattered, shard by shard.

Like a pendulum swinging toward me, memories of her surfaced from the darkest recesses of my mind, blurring with reality one moment and vanishing like a dream the next, leaving stillness in their wake. . .

You punished me by making me wait. What was I willing to wait so long for?

I waited for a breakthrough in honesty, for you to say that your love for me had an ultimate meaning.

I waited for you though you weren’t the one, and succeeded only in hurting and debasing myself.

I don’t know how to dig myself out of the rut I’m in, and the pain, which comes in paroxysms, tears away at my mind.

“You can’t hold on to a beautiful thing forever—not in your memory, not even if you keep loving it. If you tried, it would only die in your possession. Beauty must be free to run its course.”

The best way for any relationship to end is with the sentiment I wish the best for you, and I am grateful for what we once had together.

No stop

I didn’t even read books. The dormancy made me restless, and I put all my energy into writing in my journal.

Her worst nightmare was to be loved.

at the core of her passion, there was fear. She had rejected love and taught herself to live without intimacy.

You say that if I approach you, it’ll make you pull away. There’s no way I can give you the sense of security that you need or make you open up to me, but maybe you’ll come to me one day.

Forever

still don’t know if I should give you a hug, or ignore you and give you space.

I want to be there for you, to take care of you, but I need to look out for myself first. Otherwise I’ll become a burden to you.”

You just wait for other people to make up their minds, then you accept it and feel like you’ve been left empty-handed.

every single moment, in my heart I was crying and no one knew.

It didn’t matter what kind of person I was inside, how I yearned for a bond with Xiao Fan, or if my desire to love her had been my undoing: The world didn’t care.

Don’t tell anyone, but I was going to go to your commencement today.

:')

I said I’d wait for you to take me to the hospital. Then I waited by the phone.

Bitch

Maybe it’s true that pain is an unavoidable part of existence, but some things are close enough to perfection, and they’re right in front of us.