Notes of a Crocodile

by Qiu Miaojin

Didn’t utter a word about her feelings, even though I would have given my life to kiss those downcast eyes and lick away those tears.

you told me that after we broke up, if could I take it for a month, then I’d be able to deal with it. But I’ve already taken it for a month, and I’m suffering all the same.

To me, she represented beauty in its highest form. And I went and treated her like a piece of meat.

No matter what, Shui Ling, I’ll always feel your absence. From now on, for the rest of my life,

As you can see, at my best I’m a freak with wit and substance,” I boasted.

Because love goes hand in hand with hatred, and because there’s hatred, you’re going to fight, and when you fight, you see that there’s love.

I still want him.

The love I was saving is gone, and whatever passion was left, I gave it away trying to keep our connection alive.”

This girl was so precious, it brought me to shame.

My intense affection for her came gushing out. Until that moment, I hadn’t realized how much of it was welled up inside of me.

I was in need, and so I called someone. The instant itself was a blur.

For a long time, my hidden shame had made me push everyone away. I’d rejected them before they could reject me.

I feel this silent depression, and I don’t know why things have to change.

Ever since I’d met him, I felt as if somewhere in the intricate workings of my subconscious, some part of my psyche (possibly my ego) was constantly waiting for him to arrive, to get the fix that only he could give me.

As he abandoned himself to grief, the flood of tears seemed inexhaustible, too much for his body to endure, but even so, his weeping persisted with the courage of conviction.

When we split, he asked me to always meet him on the first of April. He said if I missed a year or forgot, he’d die.”

What is the human race, anyway, but a multitude of outlets for desires?

I loved him too much and let myself be treated badly.

I’ve given up hope that he’ll ever love me again, that those dreams will ever come true, and I’m not really saving my love for him.

There was a line between us. He was on one side, and as long as I wanted to be on the same side as him, that line was blurred.

After you left, I was overflowing with love that nobody wanted. You left me standing in the cold, with only you in my heart and nowhere else to turn.

Holy shit. This letter. THIS LETTER. I feel...i FEEL.

I can’t say I never thought of running off with whoever was convenient. But I never did because everyone else seemed so inferior.

I knew there was no hope of running away or winning you back, but I still waited right where you left me.

My love has only grown stronger, leaving me helpless.

The moment I experienced your tender side, I gave myself completely. That’s why it hurts so much that your cruel side took my love and never returned it.

Tell me, just this once, if you still think of me. And let me recklessly, tenderly, tell you one more time: I love you.

Oh boy

To my horror, she insistently lived on inside of me.

connections I’d forged, status I’d earned, talent I’d nurtured, possessions I’d acquired, and traits I’d developed—were at the mercy of a death wish that negated it all.

What the two of us had was an achievement on par with landing on the moon, then floating in space with zero gravity.

But the problem was the way I loved: It was the very cause of my pain.

Louder please

These two prospects had given rise to my deep-rooted fear of a real separation, which in turn yielded the avoidant mentality that had only hastened it.

I felt bad for driving her away with my latent self-destructive behavior.

I once bared my soul to you. Your love saw past the mess that I was. So in the end, I don’t know why I only remember your love hurting me.

Why didn’t I get it?

what i woukd do to receive this letter

You opened a realm that exposed me. The deeper and harder I fell for you, the more grotesque I felt.

I didn’t know whether I’d arrived at a final self-discovery or just a bend in the road, but my instinct was to retreat.

Your eyes, which shed innocent tears in the wake of horror, never showed anything but unyielding trust in me.

The only thing left is to survive by means of the old substitute trick.

Until that moment, I believed you were still in love with me.

Tell me, is love—along with honesty, patience, and determination—strong enough? Is it?

In the end, I betrayed the goddess by sleeping with just about anything that moved.

We saw eye to eye on the important things in life, but she wouldn’t get close to me out of a desire to avoid dependency.

I said to her, “You have beautiful eyes. The instant I looked into them, I knew I’d been saved.”

I always wondered if I would ever fall in love, but after I looked into those eyes, I couldn’t wait to see her again.

‘Only healthy people are capable of being in love. Using love to treat an illness just makes the illness even worse.’

“I keep making myself fall in love so that I have someone to worry about—someone who’s mine, who’s real.

Man’s greatest sorrow is the loss of what was once his greatest desire.

She was afraid that I’d leave again, that those wasted years would be like a bridge rebuilt, only to collapse a second time.

Her arms were wrapped around my neck as she said to me, You know, we might die together like this. . . .

I’m not your everything anymore, so even though I want to love you now, all I can do is give you the old me, the one you once loved.”