Logical Family: A Memoir

by Armistead Maupin

Sooner or later, though, no matter where in the world we live, we must join the diaspora, venturing beyond our biological family to find our logical one, the one that actually makes sense for us.

Maybe I sensed I didn’t belong there, now or forever, that my true genealogy lay somewhere beyond these gates, with another tribe.

How could I have guessed then that the thing I feared most in myself would one day be the source of my greatest joy, the inspiration for my life’s work.

He held no attraction for me, nor I for him. I just loved his company. He made me think how nice it would be to live with a boy forever.

That’s how long your war would take in those days, exactly one year.

BUFE, stood for Big Ugly Fucking Elephant.

For one gruesome moment, I was sure I was about to fall. I wondered in that moment how the Navy would phrase the letter to my parents. Dear Mr. and Mrs. Maupin: Your son died the way he would have wanted: stark naked and covered in soapsuds and desperately seeking attention.

It’s an old trick of mine: banish every thought from your head except the one that’s tormenting you and you’ll soon grow weary of it. It’s a sort of meditation on misery. You’ll be forced to stop torturing yourself.

I recognize him instantly as my tormentor on that demoralizing night. “Well, I’ll be damned,” I say, wondering if he remembers how he treated me. He doesn’t seem to remember a thing, so I don’t bring it up. He thinks we were good buddies. I sign his book Thanks for the memories, keeping the last laugh to myself.

Squad cars would make the loop at the crest of the park, flashing their high beams to flush us out of the brush like so many quail at a Dick Cheney shooting camp.

The hardest thing about confronting your past is the pinch of the overlapping parts, when you are no longer one thing and not quite the other. It makes you squirm to face yourself in transition, foolish and floundering.

I had decided, early on, that San Francisco would mean a brand-new life for me; there would be no lying about myself to her or to anyone else.

Coming out makes you dangerous to those around you who believe they have to stay in the closet at any cost.