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People often comment on the “disarming” effect of a non-defensive question. Apparently the openness and sincerity of the question enables the recipients to answer freely, without fear.
Sometimes a single non-defensive question can be effectively used in situations that recur again and again.
Any of us who work with the public can use non-defensive questions to give people an opportunity to disarm and work with us toward constructive solutions.
A non-defensive question helps to establish the subjectivity of each person’s viewpoint and thus can assist us in remaining separate from someone else’s judgment, even if the person’s answer doesn’t please us.
When anyone states opinion as fact, as George did, the person is applying a personal opinion generally to another person or group without their consent. Any time that happens, we can genuinely ask, “Are you stating that as your own opinion, or are you stating that as a fact?”
A sincere question often has the effect of equalizing a conversation, even in cases where there is a power differential. It enables us to separate ourselves from someone else’s judgments so that we can walk away with our confidence and self-esteem intact, no matter how the other person responds.
Sometimes one question can clarify and resolve a serious misunderstanding that might go completely unnoticed for years.
We can directly ask a person to address issues regarding individual responsibility and motivation.
most people are much more careful about answering a respectful question that leaves them accountable for their response.
Non-defensive questions can also be effective in cases where a person suspects he is being treated with prejudice.
By holding people accountable for what they say, we can keep our own dignity, regardless of how they respond.
When we ask non-defensive questions, the person answering the question frequently takes quantum leaps in one of two ways.
Increased self-awareness.
People who expose their reasons for defensiveness have the opportunity to increase their own self-awareness spontaneously.
Changes in attitude and behavior.
The person asking the question can also experience dramatic shifts in self-awareness, attitude, and behavior, simply by gaining new information and by learning to understand false assumptions.
Every word we have learned is associated with our own life. Filled with those associations, a single word can push our buttons, profoundly impacting on how we feel and react.
The sound of a word can control us, putting us into the trance of a habitual response that comes from deep within our psyche.
Rather than asking a general question, we could ask about each word,
We have two basic formats for asking questions: One is to ask about content (the topic under discussion); the other is to ask about process (the interaction going on between people), which can include any feelings or attitudes that are affecting the discussion.
Because a “why” question often feels interrogating, I suggest several practices to help ensure a non-defensive approach.
Follow the “why” with a verb that is not contracted.
Contracted: “Why didn’t you do that?” Uncontracted: “Why did you choose (decide) not to do that?”
The contracted question sounds accusatory. The uncontracted question has a more...
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Consider asking “what” instead of “why.”
“Why don’t you think I would keep my commitment
“What made you think I would not keep my commitment
One way to clarify meaning is to invert a statement into a question, asking the other person to affirm, deny, or clarify
We can ask directly about our own assumptions about another person’s meaning, beginning with various phrases, such as, “Do you mean . . . ?” “Are you saying . . . ?” or “When you say . . . ?”
We can ask questions about quantity when someone makes a generalization about us personally or about a particular group.
Questions that address the opposite side of the coin often help people to expose more facets of their viewpoint and may spontaneously stimulate them to gain a more balanced perspective.
We can also ask the other person to explain the relationship between two factors that seem contradictory to us. There are two primary ways to ask this kind of question: (1) “What is the relationship between [A] and [B]?” and (2) “Given [this] . . . why [that]?”
anyone who tends toward aggressiveness be very careful in using this “given A, why B” format, or possibly choose a different one. If not asked in a way that is clearly, authentically curious, this format can sound very accusatory or become entrapping. Because the question goes to the heart of any discrepancy, we can easily use this format to prove our own point instead of to gather information.
We may ask people about their childhood experiences, present ideas, or future plans.
These questions can often shed light on what motivates people to change how they feel, decide on a certain course of action, or develop a certain attitude.
By asking basically the same question with a focus on different grammatical “subjects”—first, second, and third person—we can gain an enlightening perspective on what someone is saying from varying angles.
People also frequently talk in the abstract without being consciously aware of the effect it is having on someone who is present.
When we ask questions about what a word or phrase means, we uncover the person’s blueprint for the structure of that word—how it subsequently both dictates and reflects that person’s reality. Much of a word’s meaning, and how we experience life in relationship to that word, comes from the elements we have attached to it. These include what I call VERB elements: values, emotions, reasoning, and behavior.
We can ask one question focusing on what a person believes, feels, thinks, or does and gain valuable information
A process question focuses on some reaction either person is having apart from the topic. The reaction might be any attitude (sarcasm, superiority) or emotion (irritation, hurt) that seems beyond the scope of the topic being discussed. It might involve an unrelated side comment. It might be some behavioral trait, such as interrupting frequently.
Often a matter at hand would not become so intense if it didn’t prompt other reactions, such as trust issues or hurt feelings.
if the conversation is getting bogged down because either person resists talking cooperatively or senses tension, to switch from questions about content to questions about the process going on between the people involved.
“Mom, do you think your way of making gravy is better than mine?”
These questions draw the issue of the person’s attitude out into the open where it can be addressed. We can ask about any reaction—submissiveness, pessimism, skepticism, hostility.
When we don’t openly ask about a person’s attitude, it’s as though we are fighting ghosts whose strong, invisible presence can affect our whole experience.
We can also ask another person for an interpretation of our own attitude:
Consider the following seven kinds of situations that call for questions regarding motivation and intention.
When we want to check out our own assumptions.
Checking out our assumption about someone’s motive can have a powerful effect, even if the other person doesn’t admit its truth. And in a surprising number of cases, people will acknowledge their motivation if asked directly.
When someone is acting inappropriately.
