More on this book
Kindle Notes & Highlights
I refer to this practice as “bonding with people before giving them the ax.” It often creates a sense of betrayal instead of support.
Frequently, we agree with someone and in the same breath disagree by raising an objection.
As a result, “yes” turns into “no.”
All too often we tell another person we are sorry, but we do so in a manner that invalidates the apology.
Sorry–not sorry can take several forms. Here are three. 1. Sorry–blame.
2. Sorry–denial of intent.
This kind of apology implies that the other person misunderstood our motives.
3. Sorry–excuse. We often say we are sorry and then give an excuse, as if the excuse should be grounds for a pardon.
The message here is, “I’m sorry, but it wasn’t my fault.”
Sarcasm is perhaps the most prevalent form of covert attack in the guise of humor.
Sarcasm is frequently inherently dishonest.
Under the cover of humor, a person will disparage entire groups that listening friends are a part of. The joker then denies that this negation includes those present or that it should affect them.
people who use these defensive modes do not feel comfortable or safe enough to express their true feelings directly. They therefore choose a covert form of aggression that enables them to deny any bad intent if questioned about what they said. People who use this defensive mode frequently are referred to as having a passive-aggressive personality type.
surrender–sabotage, unlike surrender–betray, has an aggressive component. While it may be quite subtle, such behavior can be very hurtful.
The second category of defense is withdrawal.
The more passive type of withdrawal is withdraw–escape.
Some of us may not even regard this kind of withdrawal as defensive but, rather, just an unwillingness to engage in negative or unpleasant conversation.
We usually withdraw to avoid some kind of conflict, rejection, or loss.
We may anticipate that if we speak up in a straightforward manner, the other person will judge us, argue with us, gossip about us, or do something else to hurt us personally or professionally.
When we withdraw our attention from someone, that person will most likely be consciously aware that we are not fully present.
our departure can have a powerful effect on the one left behind and often causes feelings of abandonment.
Some of us ask other people questions, not only as a means of drawing them out but as a way of hiding our own attitudes, feelings, and behavior.
When we try to give support to a friend without fully stating our own opinion, we often do so to avoid conflict, but we are being duplicitous.
When we withdraw defensively, whether by making an obvious withdrawal or by giving the illusion of responsiveness, we are actually hiding from what we perceive as another person’s power to affect our lives negatively, either in the moment or over time.
Withdrawal by another commonly arouses our own feelings of rejection.
We often do not realize that the person who withdraws to escape does so purely for the purpose of self-protection, with no intention to do harm.
Withdraw–entrap is the more aggressive form of withdrawal.
we withdraw and wait until the prey is lured into a trap or comes out in the open. Then we go in for the kill.
This defensive mode is by nature punitive, and to use it is often very calculating and manipulative. Nonetheless, people can react this way and be only partially conscious, or even unconscious, of what they are doing.
A surprisingly common and very powerful category of withdrawal is refusing to give another person any visual or verbal response during a face-to-face interaction. We may simply stare intently and adopt a tense body posture,
An old saying about negotiating business deals goes, “Whoever speaks first loses”—analogous to being the first to show one’s hand in poker, and suggesting that the one who holds out longer will get the upper hand.
The person who becomes insecure will often devalue herself or himself, trying harder to please the other and often becoming more clingy or “needy.”
People also use this defensive maneuver to establish psychological dominance in the workplace. Typical examples are the blatant ignoring of what another person says in a meeting or failing to respond to a simple greeting.
The third category of withdraw–entrap centers around withholding information that is important to the other person.
The third and final category of defense is counterattack.
Unlike surrender and withdrawal, there is not much variety in the formats for counterattack. We simply either justify our own position or attack the other person’s.
In the more passive form, counterattack–justify, we verbally defend ourselves against another’s criticism or judgment.
Typo
When we justify our behavior, we often are not aware that we are making implications that cast blame on the other person, who feels attacked.
When we justify our behavior, we put more energy into countering the other person’s position than in clearly establishing our own.
When we justify our reactions, we often merely supply the other person with ammunition to use against us.
Although we often use counterattack–justify to explain legitimate reasons for our feelings or behavior, we risk being lumped in the same category with people who are making excuses to rationalize their failure to meet obligations.
we let the other person’s attack define the terms of the argument. We come across as needing to prove our point or rationalize our experience, and in the process we lose our strength.
Others often interpret verbal self-defense as an indicator of guilt.
If we frequently justify our beliefs, feelings, or actions, we may be referred to as “a defensive person.”
Ultimately, we hurt our credibility and lose respect rather than gain it.
The motive in counterattack–blame is to retaliate with overt aggression. Here, we attack the other person’s position, rather than simply defend our own.
We can counter a criticism by immediately throwing one of our own back without directly responding to what the other person has said.
Many people fluctuate back and forth between defending themselves and attacking others, sometimes within the same conversation.
Sometimes we attack others when we want to defend and promote our own desires or intentions.
