Sweetpea (Sweetpea, #1)

by C.J. Skuse

She says she ‘doesn’t do it on purpose’. Yeah, and I don’t bleed from my crease every month.

I asked for the meat to be so raw you didn’t know whether to eat it or feed it a carrot.

I long ago decided she was just a pubic louse on the vaginal wall of the cunt witch from Hell. I’m glad her third round of IVF failed and her husband left her. No spawn deserves that for a mother.

Admittedly, sexting gets a little annoying when predictive text spoils the fun – I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve said I wanted to ‘duck his vock’ or asked a guy to ‘cum in my wasp’ or ‘lick my Pudsey’. One guy offered to ‘suck my bipolars’.

Lynette Plunket from the Accounts department, whom I affectionately call Inept from the Cunts department because she is always getting our wages wrong,

Sometimes religion can be quietly meaningful when it’s not spouting homophobic insults from a lemonade crate in the High Street.

‘There are three ways to make your mark on the world. Do something ordinary, do something extraordinary or kill something extraordinary. You can be an average John, a John Lennon or the man who kills John Lennon.’