Sweetpea (Sweetpea, #1)
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Read between October 29 - November 4, 2024
4%
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Yeah, and I don’t bleed from my crease every month.
Katie Chisholm
Um?
5%
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The only thing Craig ever gave me that meant anything was bacterial vaginosis, but I kept that to myself.
5%
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Surprisingly, the corks were still in the bottles so there was no danger of us being Rohipped and dragged to the nearest Premier Inn for a semi-conscious rape-fest.
Katie Chisholm
Oh
6%
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It had a bend in it. I wasn’t sure whether he was pleased to see me or giving me directions to the bus station.
6%
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Well, upwards and towards the bus station.
7%
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Hi ho, hi ho, it’s back to my shitty job I go. Actually, there is a dwarf where I work
11%
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The office was bustling when I walked in, sweating like a priest at a pre-school pool party.
11%
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Daniel Wells – aka Dan Dan, the Dickless Man.
12%
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rubbing buttockly past desks
13%
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‘marshmellow’
Katie Chisholm
How else?
14%
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I read online that calories don’t count past midnight. Or is that just with Gremlins?
14%
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didn’t stand a kitten in a pizza oven’s chance of winning.
19%
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generally find it hard to climax when I’m on a mattress that was around during the Renaissance.
19%
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Linus once called me Rheetard and I nearly yanked his head back and spat in his mouth.
22%
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1.  The entire human race. Even the ones not born yet who are just poised in the birth canal, ready to come out and piss me off
22%
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She can suck my mammaries till Michaelmas
22%
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gigantic bag of crabs that she is.
24%
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I’m just going to leave that one hanging, like Gary should be.
24%
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Nigel Yardley looks like a large ball of Play-Doh with a smaller ball of Play-Doh stuck on top.
31%
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They think you’re weak and girly? Act weak and girly. Use their own prejudices against them. Then when they’re not looking, cut their fucking throats.
35%
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Nothing real was any good. And nothing living was worth living for. Everyone just needed to die.
41%
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How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? One – but only if you slice him veeeeery thinly.
43%
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‘You one of them feminists then, are you? Hate men and make them do their own washing?’
43%
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Nine pounds something and no drugs. Her vagina must look like a lasagne dropped from a department store roof.
56%
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People over ten who do cosplay – did you bump your head when you fell into your nursery school dressing-up box or something?
75%
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Risky, see? Me likes the risky cos Me’s a risky pixie.
87%
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When Happy comes along, I’ve got to hold on to it with both hands.