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May 18 - May 22, 2019
While seven out of ten Americans say they would prefer to die at home, 70 percent of Americans die in a hospital, nursing home, or long-term-care facility.
Could we turn toward death like a master teacher and ask, “How, then, shall I live?”
When we embrace impermanence, a certain grace enters our lives. We can treasure experiences; we can feel deeply—all without clinging. We are free to savor life, to touch the texture of each passing moment completely, whether the moment is one of sadness or joy. When we understand on a deep level that impermanence is in the life of all things, we learn to tolerate change better. We become more appreciative and resilient.
Everything will come apart. That is true of our bodies, our relationships, all of life. It is happening all the time, not just at the end when the curtain falls. Coming together inevitably means parting. Don’t be troubled. This is the nature of life.
Don’t wait. Everything we need is right in front of us. Impermanence is the doorway to possibility. Embracing it is where true freedom lies.
Cat’s Cradle by Kurt Vonnegut: And I was some of the mud that got to sit up and look around. Lucky me, lucky mud.
Earth dissolves into water. Water dissolves into fire. Fire dissolves into air. Air dissolves into space. Space dissolves into consciousness.
Before every session, I take a moment to remember my humanity. There is no experience that this man has that I cannot share with him, no fear that I cannot understand, no suffering that I cannot care about, because I too am human. No matter how deep his wound, he does not need to be ashamed in front of me. I too am vulnerable. And because of this, I am enough. Whatever his story, he no longer needs to be alone with it. This is what will allow his healing to begin.
Listening without judgment is probably the simplest, most profound way to connect. It is an act of love.
Forgiveness is critical for two reasons. It heals us by allowing us to set down old pain, and it helps open us to love. In order to be free, we have to forgive. When I speak of freedom in this context, I don’t mean some sort of ultimate enlightenment, but something far more practical and immediate: freedom from the indictments, recriminations, and judgments that cause us so much suffering. Holding on to our pain is, quite simply, not in our best interests.
In my experience, people typically arrive at a place of forgiveness when they realize, “I don’t want this to interfere with my capacity to love. I don’t want this to be a legacy that I leave behind or with my children.”
We are motivated to find ways to reduce suffering—our own and other people’s. “A good half of every treatment that probes at all deeply consists in the doctor’s examining himself,” wrote Carl Jung. “It is his own hurt that gives a measure of his power to heal.”
Try it sometime. Sit with another person without a solution to their problem, without playing a role. No analyzing, no fixing, no meddling, no mending. Listen generously, as if the other person has all of the resources that they need inside of them. Just respect and receive what is being offered.
My friend Caroline told me that the one thing that did help after her husband’s death was a friend who called her every week to invite her out to dinner. The friend said, “I know you may not want to go, and it’s okay to say no. But I want you to know that I’m here when you need me. I will call again next Monday.”
Try it when you meet someone new. Silently repeat a few phrases to emphasize your common ground with the other person and feel the connection of simple human kindness: This person has a body, heart, and mind, just like me. This person worries and gets frightened, just like me. This person is trying their best to navigate life, just like me. This person is a fellow human being, just like me. Now, allow some benevolent wishes for well-being to arise: May this person have the strength and support to face the difficulties in life. May this person be free from suffering and its causes. May this
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When the mind is attentive, focused, we notice the space. Here is where we discover a place of rest. Claude Debussy is credited with saying, “Music is the space between the notes.” The white space on this page allows your eyes to rest on the words. In art, negative space is just as important as the image itself, helping to bring balance to a composition. No matter how much activity, no matter how many forms exist in our lives, there are pauses and spaces everywhere, inviting us to rest.
There are three types of courage needed to live fully, face death directly, and discover true freedom: the courage of the warrior, the courage of a strong heart, and the courage of vulnerability.
Vulnerability is not weakness; it is non-defensiveness. The absence of defense allows us to be wide open to our experience. Less defended, we are less opaque and more transparent. We become sensitive to the ten thousand sorrows and the ten thousand joys of this life. If we are not willing to be vulnerable to pain, loss, and sadness, we’ll become insensitive to compassion, joy, love, and basic goodness.
When we take ourselves to be separate, solid forms, death becomes the enemy. Death is the emptiness that threatens our forms. We can relax some when we realize that our true nature is open, spacious, and boundless and that flowing through that huge valley of emptiness is a river of constant change.
Emptiness is not some kind of heaven or absolute reality apart from us. It is a fertile boundlessness from which all form perpetually arises. But no individual or thing has a separate independent existence; emptiness is woven through the fabric of all life. Without emptiness we would never have arrived here in the first place.
“We live in the illusion and appearance of things. There is a reality. You are that reality. When you understand this, you will see that you are nothing. And being nothing, you are everything. That is all.”
Literally, sacred means “to make holy.” The root, sacra, also means “to set apart what is highly valued or important.”
Surrender is the end of two and the opening to the one.
In life-transforming moments such as dying, giving birth, meditating, making love, being immersed in the beauty of nature, connecting with a great work of art, or falling into the eyes of an infant, we have a sense of looking into the vast unnamable.
