Arrows Through Archer

by Nash Summers

“You’re not out?” he pressed. Stone-faced, I looked down at him. “No.” “But you do like men?” “Do you want to find out?” He gave me a slow once-over, starting at my Converse sneakers and ending at my eyes. “Oh, yeah.”

I, Archer Hart, couldn’t be trusted to be alone because my best friend thought the moment I was, I’d pull out my father’s old Smith & Wesson and blow my brains out.

There was no light at the end of the tunnel because there was no fucking tunnel. There was a pit and in that pit was nothing but darkness. In the center, stood I.

It was like we shared a secret—a secret I wish we didn’t share. A secret I wished I didn’t have.

“Ah, Archer. We always hurt the ones we love.” “Why’s that, do you think?” “So that we know they love us too.”

“You’re like a brother to me, Archer. You’re not perfect, but no one is. And if I met a billion people on this planet, I’d still choose you. You and your silent fucking depression—you and your quiet heart and your fear of living.

Sometimes words weren’t enough. Sometimes words weren’t anything at all. So instead of using useless tools in a moment surrounded by darkness pushing at its edges, slowly, I reached out and laced my fingers with his. Without saying a word, he squeezed my hand and didn’t let go.

Maybe if this universe of ours was different. Maybe if everything was different and the sky was the ocean and the clouds were the soil. Maybe if life hadn’t engrained me with apprehension or uncertainty or a longing for some things I obviously could not have. Maybe then, we would’ve had words for each other.

“It’s not the puzzles that make me happy, Mallory.” Immediately, his eyes locked with mine. “Don’t do this to me, Archer.”

People fall into each other in different ways. Some people fall together in laughter, surrounded by energy and joy. Some fall into each other in passion, unable to keep their skin from touching. But Mallory and I fell into each other slowly, gently, tentatively, like almost everything we did. We were quiet and fluid.

“What are we doing, Archer?” Mallory asked. Falling in love, I thought. But instead I said, “Kissing.” The corner of his mouth quirked up. “It would take a stronger man than me not to kiss you at least once. I had to know.”

“You don’t think what we feel towards each other is worth taking a chance on?” I asked. He paused briefly. I watched a hundred expressions flicker across his face. And then, “No.” “No?” “No.” That was all it took to break my heart. A two-letter word. Not a death in the family, not a sibling disowning me. A two-letter word from the man I loved.

“We can’t keep loving ghosts, Mallory.” And for the last time, his eyes met mine. “It’s not that easy, Archer.” “Well, I guess we’re both about to find out if it’s any easier loving one more.”

“I wish you were mine. I wish no one touched you like this but me. I wish no one fucked you but me.” “No one does. No one but you.”

“Don’t bother coming after me this time, Mallory. It was last time that mattered.”

I didn’t know what do to. But I did know what I wanted. And it wasn’t for Archer to be with me, it was simply for Archer to be happy. That, at least, I could do.

“How can you not know I love you, Archer? I’ve dreamt of you every night that you weren’t by my side. I can’t imagine someone knowing you like I have and not loving you.”