Wait for It

by Mariana Zapata

“You can be whatever you want to be,” I told him. “Your dad wouldn’t care as long as you always did a good job.” “Because he loved me?” He was going to be the death of me, this little kid. “Because he loved you,”

Grief never got any easier. I never missed my brother any less. Part of me accepted that nothing would ever fill the void his death had left

How did you explain that your brother died, and that the next thing you knew, your life was going up into flames, and you didn’t know how to put out the fire because the smoke from it was so thick you couldn’t see two feet in front of you?

wasn’t about the fucking socks. At least not totally. It was about everything. About life and death, and white and black and gray. It was about having to be tough when you weren’t used to it. About having to grow when you’d thought you were done growing. In the back of my head, I knew what I’d said didn’t make any damn sense.

“I’m not saying it isn’t bullshit. It is. I don’t know why somebody lives and somebody else dies, but it happens and nothing you do can change that. You can’t feel guilty for being here and him not. That isn’t the way it works.”

I don’t know your brother, but if he’s somewhere looking down right now, at least he knows he made the right choice leaving them to you. You can’t hide what you have with them.”

Trust felt a whole lot like love. You were giving someone a part of you, if you really thought about it.

I loved him with every single cell in my body. There was a lot of things about love that you could only learn after you’d faced the real kind. The best kind wasn’t this soft, sweet thing of hearts and picnics. It wasn’t flowery and divine. Real love was gritty. The real kind of love never quit. Someone who loved you would do what’s best for you; they’d stand up for you and sacrifice. Someone who loved you would face any inconvenience willingly. You didn’t know what love was until someone was willing to give up what they loved the most for you.

“I’m gonna hug you as long as you promise not to grab my ass, okay?” I almost laughed, but it sounded more like a broken croak.

“I always figured I’d grow old with someone, so I need to make the next one count since it’s for keeps.”

“She wouldn’t be my first, but she’d be the only one who ever mattered. I think she could wait for the time to be right. I’d make sure she never regretted it.”

“It’s like you’re purposely trying to get me to love you, Dallas. I swear to God. You don’t even want me to stick my hand down your pants. You want me to want it all,” I laughed, trying to make a joke but failing awfully.

And then, he turned those hazel eyes on me once more and he blinked. But it wasn’t a normal blink. It was the kind of blink that changed your life. The kind of blink you noticed enough to earmark this moment in history. It was a preparation.

I told him, reaching over with my bad hand to touch the top of his. His eyes met mine; we were both smiling at each other. And in that moment, it was the most connected I’d ever felt to anyone. Anyone ever. God help me. It hit me. It hit me right then. I was crazy in love with this motherfucker. I really, really was.

There wasn’t a single doubt in my mind that what had to be a hand touched the small of my back. “I’m good at waiting,” he replied.

The hand on my lower back made a circle even through the material of my jacket,

“How can I miss you so much when I just saw you yesterday?”

“You told me you were a little in love with me, do you remember?” How could I forget? “But I wouldn’t use ‘little’ to describe what I feel for you, Diana. I think you know that already.” It was my turn to blink. I squeezed our palms together. “So I’m not imagining it?” I pretty much whispered. “No, baby, you’re not.”

“Positive.” His eyes went from one of mine to the other, even and patient. “Of all the houses you could’ve bought, you got the one across the street from me. Of all the sports Josh might have played, it was baseball and I happened to coach his age group. You were meant to be in my life.” Those hazel irises went so tender my heart hurt. His whisper didn’t help any. “I know you love me.”

“Yes buts. You can love me, but that doesn’t have to mean anything, Dallas. What do you want from me?” “Everything.”

“I want you. I want your smile. Your hugs. Your love. I want your happiness.” He paused. “Every single thing.”

“Are you sure you know what you’re getting yourself into?” His mouth stayed in the same smirking smile and he nodded. “One hundred percent.” “You know I’m crazy.” “You’re my best friend. I know you’re crazy.”

I don’t like or love just anyone, Dallas. I know you can’t promise you won’t break my heart someday, but—” “This is serious to me too. I’ve made a lot of decisions in my life I’ve regretted, but you will never be one of them. When I saw your pink toolbox with puppies on it, I’d never been angrier with myself for making stupid fucking life choices than I was then. I won’t break your heart, Diana. I’ve never been scared to work for things or wait for them. I know you, and I know that you’re it. I just had to wait to get divorced so I could do this right for you. Life is so fucking short, Peach, and I’m too old to not know and go for what I want. And you know what I want. What I’ve wanted. For a long, long time.” He paused. “You.”

“You are the toughest person I’ve ever met, Diana, but you’re also the most vulnerable, and that drives me fucking crazy,” he said to me. He squeezed my thigh, his voice low and almost feverish. “I know you can take care of yourself, but I want to be there to help you out. I need you more than you need me, and that’s okay,” he told me.

“He looks out the window to check on you every night. I tell him to call you and quit being a stalker, but he thinks I’m going to listen in on his conversations.” She huffed. “I have better things to do with my time.”

“You’re never getting your big red thing back if I have anything to say about it. I want you to think about that. I want you to know what the hell you’re signing yourself up for, because nice Catholic girls who only go to church twice a year don’t believe in divorce.” I blinked. “You know, when the time comes.”

“I always thought you looked like mine, but you sure do fucking feel like you’re mine, too,”

“Diana, I love you, and every bone in my body tells me that I’m gonna love you every day of my life, even when we want to kill each other.”