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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Joanna Faber
Read between
February 10 - February 22, 2022
The point is that we can’t behave right when we don’t feel right. And kids can’t behave right when they don’t feel right.
The next time your kid says something negative and inflammatory, follow these steps: 1. Grit your teeth and resist the urge to immediately contradict him! 2. Think about the emotion he is feeling 3. Name the emotion and put it in a sentence With any luck you will see the intensity of the bad feelings diminish dramatically.
All feelings can be accepted. Some actions must be limited!
Just accept the feeling. Often a simple acknowledgment of the feeling is enough to defuse a potential meltdown.
But a child’s emotions are just as real and important to him as our grown-up emotions are to us.
Without having their own feelings acknowledged first, children will be deaf to our finest explanations and most passionate entreaties.
Children need us to validate their feelings so they can become grown-ups who know who they are and what they feel. We are also laying the groundwork for a person who can respect and not dismiss the needs and feelings of other people.
If you feel a but bubbling up, you can replace it with this handy sentence starter: The problem is . . .
The problem is suggests that there is a problem that can be solved without sweeping away the feelings.
Even though you know . . .
Writing down wishes is a different way to avoid a tantrum, without spoiling your child. Think of it as an opportunity to accept feelings while limiting actions.”
Resist the urge to ask questions of a distressed child.
The gift we can give them is to not get in the way of their process by jumping in with our reactions: advice, questions, corrections. The important thing is to give them our full attention and trust them to work it out.
Acknowledge Feelings with Words “You were looking forward to that playdate. How disappointing!” “It can be so frustrating when train tracks fall apart.” 2. Acknowledge Feelings with Writing “Oh no! We don’t have the ingredients we need! Let’s make a shopping list.” “You really want that underwater Lego set. Let’s write that down on your wish list.” 3. Acknowledge Feelings with Art “You seem so sad.” (Draw a stick figure with big tears, or simply hand over a crayon or pencil.) “You are this angry!” (Make angry lines or rip and crumple paper.) 4. Give in Fantasy What You Cannot Give in Reality
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All feelings can be accepted. Some actions must be limited! • Sit on those “buts.” Substitute: “The problem is . . .” or “Even though you know . . .” • Match the emotion. Be dramatic! • Resist the urge to ask questions of a distressed child.
This week I’ve started telling him my feelings instead. “When I see one child hurting another child I get very upset!”
I told him, “You’re getting good at putting your angry feelings into words instead of hitting. That’s not easy to
When expressing anger or frustration, use the word I, avoid the word you.
“When I see you hurting your sister . . .” When expressing annoyance, irritation, or anger, it’s important to banish the word you. The you is accusatory. As soon as a child hears you, he feels defensive.
Be Playful • Make it a game. “Can we get all the cars into the box before the timer beeps? Ready . . . set . . . go!” • Make inanimate objects talk. “I’m an empty sock. I need a foot in me!” • Use a different accent or a silly voice. “I . . . am . . . your . . . robot . . . Must . . . buckle . . . seat . . . belt . . . now.” • Pretend! “We need to climb this slippery mountain into the carseat.” • Play the incompetent fool. “Oh dear, where does this sleeve go? Over your head? No? On the arm? This is so confusing! Thank you for helping me!” 2. Offer a Choice “Do you want to hop to the tub like a
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The punishment doesn’t address the underlying problem. A child in preschool who has trouble socializing with other children may be punished for shoving or biting, but that doesn’t help him acquire the social skills he needs to get along with his peers.
Often a strong-willed child who is punished becomes more determined to defy authority. Studies find that kids who are punished are more likely to misbehave in the future. Punishment actually increases the undesired behavior.1
The first step of problem-solving is to acknowledge your child’s feelings.
The second step is to describe the problem.
The third step is to ask for ideas.
The fourth step is to decide which ideas you both like
The last step is to try out your solutions.
When children are not ready to behave in a way that is safe for themselves and others, we default to managing the environment.
“Danny, I can see you’re enjoying riding your trike in the kitchen. And Sammy is enjoying watching you.” (That was the accepting feelings part of the formula.) “The problem is, I’m worried about his little fingers being hurt by the wheels.” (That was the describing the problem part.) “What should we do? We need an idea!” (That was the asking for solutions part.)
Me: You guys love chasing each other around the house. It’s fun. The problem is I get upset because a lot of times someone ends up crying. I think we need some ideas for how you can have fun without anybody getting hurt or even scared.
Show respect for the conflict. Don’t minimize the problem.
When the disputed object is in one child’s hand it will be hard for them to think clearly. The struggle will continue. You’ll need to say, “I’ll put the remote control up on the shelf for now, while we figure out what to do. I bet if we put our heads together we can think of a solution that feels fair to both of you.”
Rewards have many pitfalls. They don’t address the cause of the problem. They are used to manipulate the other person rather than work with her, which can lead to resentment. They are subject to inflation. And they have a dark side. A reward is offered with an implied threat: If you don’t do what I say, you’ll miss out on something good.
You can let them know that fun activities await them when chores are finished. “As soon as we get our teeth brushed, we can have bedtime stories.” “As soon as the blocks are put away, we can go to the park.” You’ve avoided the unpleasant and manipulative “If you do this, then I’ll give you that” statement, and replaced it with information.
time-outs don’t work.3 The main weakness of the “time-out” is that it doesn’t address the problem.
So what can you do? First you can comfort your daughter and express your feelings strongly to your son. “I don’t like to see people pushed! Even when you’re angry!” You can invite your son to make amends, if the mood is right. “Ella is crying. How can we make her feel better? Can you find her a toy? Or do you think she’d like a pretzel?”
If you really want to use the phrase time-out in a positive way, you can say, “We need a time-out so nobody gets hurt! Quick, Thomas to the kitchen, Jenna to the living room!” You may even say, “I’m getting frustrated. I need a time-out. I’m going to my bedroom for a few minutes to calm down!” This kind of time-out is intended to protect, not to punish. It’s a way of letting our children know that sometimes we need to take a break before we can solve a problem.
I watched my neighbor use this technique with her three-year-old daughter, who would often become overstimulated when playing with other children and behave roughly with the smaller kids. Her mom would say warmly, “Jackie, come over here and sit with me for a little while. We need some time-out.” She’d sit with her arm comfortingly around her daughter for a few minutes, then ask her if she thought she was ready to go back to playing. There’s a very different feeling to that kind of time-out. It doesn’t say, “I’m banishing you because you were bad.” The message here is, “I’m on your side. It’s
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When we use problem-solving in place of punishment, we are truly modeling the attitude we want our kids to take toward conflict in their lives. Not “I’m a bad kid who doesn’t deserve a bedtime story.” Not “I’m a failure as a mom because I screamed at my kid,” but rather, “How can I fix my mistake?” “How can I make things work better?” “What should I try next time?”
This cooperative approach to conflict will grow with your child. As youngsters mature, their ability to problem-solve grows with them. When your children are out in the world you won’t be able to keep them safe by force. The most powerful tool you can wield is their sense of connection to you. The fact that you are willing to consider their feelings and solicit their opinions will keep their hearts and minds open to your feelings and opinions.
REMINDER: Tools for Resolving Conflict 1. Express Your Feelings . . . Strongly! “HEY, I don’t like to see people being pushed!” 2. Show Your Child How to Make Amends “Your sister got scared on the top of the slide. Let’s do something to make her feel better. Do you want to offer her some pretzels? Do you think she’d like to play with your sand bucket?” 3. Offer a Choice “We’re going to give the slide a rest for now. I can see you’re in no mood to wait for a turn. You can swing on the swings or you can play in the sandbox. You decide.” 4. Take Action Without Insult “We’re heading home. We’ll
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The first rule of praise is that it’s not always appropriate to praise.
TOOL #1: Describe What You See
Instead of, “Good job!” Try, “I see you picked up all the cars and all the books, and you even picked up the dirty socks! I see bare floor. That was a big job.”
“Oh, look what you made! Tell me about this.” “How did you get the idea to do this?” “How did you make this?” “Show me how this works.” “This makes me think about outer space. What does it make you think about?” “I wonder what you’re going to make next.”
Sometimes acknowledging feelings can be more helpful than praise.
“You got your shoes on by yourself. I guess I know who’ll be teaching the baby to tie his shoes when he gets a little bigger.” (Now he can see himself as a teacher of his little brother instead of as a rival.)
By praising descriptively—by looking, listening, and noticing—we hold up a mirror to our children to show them their strengths. That’s how children form their image of themselves. These are more than nice individual moments.
1. Describe What You See “I see green lines that are zooming up and down the page. And look how they connect all these red shapes!” 2. Describe the Effect on Others “The baby loves it when you make those funny sounds. I see a big smile on her face.” 3. Describe Effort “You kept working on that button until you got it into that little buttonhole.” 4. Describe Progress “You sounded out each of the letters and you put them together. You read a whole sentence!”
While you’re doing this rather intricate dance, you may feel tempted to throw in a little comparison to make the older child feel better about not being babied. It can seem like a good idea to reassure the older sibling of his superiority. (“You’re a big boy. You can climb the stairs and the baby can’t. You can get in the carseat all by yourself. You know how to bake cookies with me. The baby can’t do that!”) This kind of talk is risky! The baby won’t stay helpless forever. We don’t want an older child to feel threatened by a younger sibling’s progress. His self-esteem shouldn’t rest on the
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