How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7 (The How To Talk Series)

by Joanna Faber

When angry feelings do boil over and you have to protect a sibling from physical attack, it’s important to take action without reinforcing negative feelings. While grabbing up the aggressor, resist the temptation to say, “There you go again. You’re too rough! Now you made the baby cry. That’s mean!” Instead, snatch him away without insulting his character: “I can see you’re angry! I can’t let anyone get hurt. We need to separate!”

I have one last pitfall to warn you against. One of my own biggest problems with keeping harmony between the siblings was that I tended to take the younger one’s side. “Oh, Dan, just give it to him. He’s only two years old. You need to be patient. Don’t be so rough, you’re hurting him. Be nice.” Without fail this would incite mutual hatred and resentment. Dan would angrily defend himself, “But I had it first . . . I barely touched him . . . It’s not fair . . . You always take his side!” And Sam, the little one, would get even more worked up. He’d hide behind my leg while I was defending him and then lunge out and try to kick his older brother in a fit of righteous rage. It helps to hold back that first “protect the baby” remark. Resist the urge to demonize the older or stronger child. If you can describe the problem from both points of view it will make a big difference in the mood. “Dan wants to build something with his blocks without the loose pieces being moved around, and Sam wants to touch the blocks, too. This is a tough problem. What can we do?” Notice that I also resisted the temptation to be dismissive of the problem itself. I wanted to say, “Oh, gee whiz, it’s only a few blocks! Can’t you just get along?” But it’s more helpful to be respectful of the problem. Building that block tower is just as important to a four-year-old as your work is to you!

REMINDER: Sibling Rivalry 1. Accept Feelings “It can be frustrating to have a baby sister!” 2. Give Wishes in Fantasy: Let the older child pretend to be a baby “Come sit on my lap and be my super baby.” 3. Describe What You See: Notice and appreciate the positive interactions between siblings “You figured out how to cheer up your sister when she was crying.” 4. Put the Child in Charge so that he has an opportunity to see himself differently “Can you pick a board book for the baby? She likes it when you read to her.” 5. Reconnect With Your Child • Plan for Special One-on-One Time “Would you like to make cookies when the baby takes her nap? Or snuggle up and read your pop-up truck book?” • Tell the Older Child Stories About his Baby Days “I remember when you . . .” 6. Take Action Without Insult: Avoid casting a child in the role of aggressor “We need to separate. I don’t want anyone getting hurt!” 7. Try Problem-Solving: Resist the urge to take sides and don’t minimize the problem! “Jamie wants to build by himself and Kara wants to touch the blocks. This is a tough problem. We need ideas.”

When a child tells a lie, it may help to remember that it is both common and normal. In fact, the latest research shows that learning to lie is an important milestone in a child’s cognitive development.

REMINDER: Lies 1. Describe What You See: Instead of asking or accusing, state the obvious. “I see chocolate on your face.” 2. Describe How You Feel “I’m upset that the cake was eaten! I was going to serve it for dessert when our friends come for dinner tonight!” 3. Acknowledge Feelings “It’s not easy to resist cake. I bet you wish you hadn’t eaten it.” 4. Try Problem-Solving: Make a plan for the future “Next time you’re tempted, let me know. I’m sure we can find a way to help you wait.” 5. Adjust Expectations: Manage the environment instead of the child Think to yourself, The next time I buy chocolate cake, I’ll put it out of sight until it’s time for dessert so it’s not so tempting. 6. Help the Child Make Amends “We’re going to need something for dessert when our friends come over. Can you get out some cookies and arrange them nicely on a plate?”

REMINDER: Parents Have Feelings, Too! 1. Express Your Feelings . . . Strongly Instead of, “You’re being rude!” Try, “I don’t like being told I’m mean. It makes me mad.” 2. Tell Them What They Can Do, Instead of What They Can’t “You can tell me, ‘Mommy, I’m disappointed! I wanted to go!’ ” 3. Don’t Forget the Basics—Give Yourself and Your Child Time to Recover “I’ll talk to you about it after dinner. Right now I’m too upset.” 7

REMINDER: Tattling 1. Acknowledge Feelings “Jenna didn’t like being poked. That hurt!” 2. Help the Child Make Amends (without scolding) “Let’s get a broom and sweep up the mess.” 3. Try Problem-Solving “How will we remember not to touch the stove dials? We need ideas.”

REMINDER: Doctor’s Orders 1. Acknowledge Feelings Instead of, “Come on, it’s not that bad. Just let her do it, and it’ll be over.” Try, “It can be scary to think about someone sticking a needle in your arm.” Instead of, “Don’t cry. You’re a big boy.” Try, “That hurt! You didn’t like that!” 2. Offer in Fantasy What You Can’t Give in Reality “I wish they could put the medicine inside a lollipop. You’d eat one a day for a week and then you’d never get sick.” 3. Offer a Choice “Do you want the shot in your left arm or your right?” “Do you want to sit next to me, or on my lap?” 4. Give Information “The shots are quick. They’re over in the time it takes to clap twice. Like this (Clap! Clap!).” “The shots put tiny little fighters in your blood, called antibodies. They fight against tiny germs so you don’t get sick.” 5. Try Problem-Solving Parent: What would make it easier to get through these injections? Would it help to have something to look forward to when you’re done? Kid: Can we get peanut M&M’s? I could eat a green one as soon as the shot is over. Parent: Let’s do that! 6. Be Playful “I can see the medicine going down your throat into your stomach. And now it’s heading down your leg to your toes!” 7. Take Action Without Insult “I’m going to hold you on my lap while the doctor gives you the injection. I know you don’t like this.”

REMINDER: Shy Kids 1. Acknowledge Feelings “It can be hard to walk into a new house filled with relatives. Lots of people want to say hello to you. That can feel scary.” 2. Adjust Expectations: Give a child something to do instead of pressuring him to be social. “You can carry in the chips and put them in the bowl for people to eat.” 3. Offer a Choice “Do you want to sit on the couch and watch the kids set up the trains? Or do you want to have a snack with the grown-ups first?” 4. Be Playful (Sock puppet talking.) “Hi there! Would you like a corn chip?” 5. Put the Child in Charge “Jamie will join you when he’s ready.”

“Sisters are not for pushing!” The next priority is to attend to the victim. “Let me kiss that bump to make it feel better. Should we put ice on it?”

We can help him make amends: “Isabel needs something to make her feel better. Can you bring her the teddy bear? . . . Thank you, Benjamin!” And finally we can acknowledge feelings and problem-solve for next time: “It’s not easy to live with a one-year-old. What can a person do when a baby starts to crawl on them or grab their stuff?”

REMINDER: Hitting, Pinching, Poking, Punching, Pushing 1. Take Action Without Insult • Make everybody safe “We need to separate!” • Attend to injuries “Let me kiss that bump. Do you want a piece of ice for your head?” 2. Express Your Feelings Strongly “I don’t like seeing Isabel hurt!” “That makes me very upset!” 3. Help the Child Make Amends “Isabel needs something to make her feel better. Can you find her a toy? Or do you think she’d like a strawberry?” 4. Acknowledge Feelings “It can be very frustrating to have a little sister grabbing your things.” “It’s not easy to resist hitting or pushing when you’re mad!” 5. Give Information “No pushing allowed in this house. Daddy is not allowed to push me. You are not allowed to push your sister, and she is not allowed to push you. And I am not allowed to push either of you—unless you need a push on a swing!” 6. Try Problem-Solving “Sometimes your little sister can drive you crazy! What can a person do when his sister is bothering him? We need ideas.”

Not all crying is harmful. In fact, if we managed to protect our kids from every occasion that might cause tears, they probably wouldn’t be emotionally healthy.

REMINDER: Sleep 1. Acknowledge Feelings “Sometimes it isn’t easy to fall asleep. It can be scary to lie in bed in the dark.” 2. Be Playful “I need to smooth out these terrible lumps in your bed!” (Press down on legs and arms of child.) 3. Try Problem-Solving “Let’s see what ideas we can come up with for staying in your bed at night. A special night-light? A picture book by your bed? A recording of songs or stories?” 4. Take Action Without Insult “Mommy and Daddy need to sleep! I’m putting you back in your bed. We’ll play in the morning.”

If one word is not enough, you can direct your fury into giving information. You can roar, “BROTHERS ARE NOT FOR KICKING!!!” You can express your feelings strongly. Use the word I instead of you. “I GET VERY UPSET WHEN I SEE A BABY BEING PINCHED!!!” You can describe what you see. “I see people getting hurt!!!”

None of these words wound. They don’t tell a child he is mean or worthless or unloved. They do let him know that his parent is past all patience. And they model a healthy way to express anger and frustration without attack.

Of course, being yelled at by a furious parent can be an upsetting experience in itself. That can’t be the end of the story. It’s important to reconnect after the intensity of anger has abated.

REMINDER: When Parents Get Angry! A. In the moment, if you must yell, use your tools . . . LOUDLY! 1. Say It in a Word “CAR!!!” 2. Give Information “BROTHERS ARE NOT FOR KICKING!!” 3. Describe How You Feel “I GET VERY UPSET WHEN I SEE A BABY BEING PINCHED!!” 4. Describe What You See “I SEE PEOPLE GETTING HURT!!” 5. Take Action without Insult “I can’t allow sand throwing! WE ARE LEAVING!!” B. When the moment has passed and everyone’s safe, take care of yourself. Do whatever works best for you: run around the block; take deep breaths; take a time-out for yourself (lock yourself in another room); call a friend and vent; email a friend; write in a journal; hug a dog; turn on your favorite music; attend to your own basic needs—sleep and food. . . . C. Reconnect and try problem-solving. “That was no fun. You didn’t like getting yelled at. And I was really mad about being late. What can we do next time?” D. Seek help if you feel the anger is too much.

“Just because we say the ‘right thing’ to our children doesn’t mean they’re going to cheer up on our time line.

If your patience runs thin or you run out of time, you can take care of your own needs without blaming the child. Instead of, “Come on now, that’s enough crying. This isn’t so terrible,” you can say, “I see how sad you are. I need to start making dinner now. Come to the kitchen and keep me company when you feel like it.”

The thing is, what seems like a minor inconvenience to us can feel like a monumental disappointment to a kid. We can’t simply talk them out of their feelings or explain them down to smaller proportions.

Sometimes, when a kid really wants something and can’t get it, he is going to cry and scream. It doesn’t necessarily mean we’re doing the wrong thing. The unenviable job of a parent is to stand your ground when the health and safety of your child is at stake, even in the face of a hurricane of emotion that only a toddler can produce.

REMINDER: Troubleshooting 1. When a child is too upset to cooperate, go back to Acknowledging Feelings “You don’t even want to think about visiting your friend another time. You were looking forward to going today!” • Make sure your tone of voice matches the emotion “That’s so disappointing!” • Try a grunt instead of words “UGH!” “Mmph!” • Put your child’s thoughts into words “Stupid Legos! They should stick together and stay together!” • Tell the story of what happened “You worked for a long time on that spaceship. You used blue bricks for the base, and red bricks for the lights, and it was almost ready to launch! All it needed was the fins on the rockets. . . .” 2. Give your child Time to Recover (and give yourself a break!) “I can see how sad you are. I’ll be in the kitchen making dinner. Come join me when you’re ready.” 3. Help a child climb out of the pit of despair by Acknowledging Feelings, Giving Information, and Offering Choices “Oh no, the skin got ripped! That hurts! Good thing skin knows how to repair itself. It’s getting busy right now growing more skin cells to cover that poor knee and make it as good as new. How many days do you think it will take? What kind of Band-Aid should we cover it with?” 4. Take Action and stick to your values; if you regularly cave in to whining and complaints, the tools won’t work “You wish we could have candy for breakfast! I’m putting it out of sight. The choices are cereal or eggs.” 5. Check on “The Basics” Is your child lacking...