How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7 (The How To Talk Series)

by Joanna Faber

The point is that we can’t behave right when we don’t feel right. And kids can’t behave right when they don’t feel right. If we don’t take care of their feelings first, we have little chance of engaging their cooperation.

“If you aren’t sure what’s right, try it out on yourself.”

When their feelings are acknowledged, people feel relieved: She understands me. I feel better. Maybe it’s not so bad. Maybe I can handle it.

TOOL #1: Acknowledge Feelings with Words

The next time your kid says something negative and inflammatory, follow these steps: 1. Grit your teeth and resist the urge to immediately contradict him! 2. Think about the emotion he is feeling 3. Name the emotion and put it in a sentence With any luck you will see the intensity of the bad feelings diminish dramatically. Good feelings can’t come in until the bad feelings are let out. If you try to stuff those bad feelings back in, they will marinate and become more potent. For example: When a child says, “I hate Jimmy. I’m never playing with him again.” Instead of, “Of course you will. Jimmy is your best friend! And we don’t say ‘hate.’ ” Try, “Boy, sounds like you’re really angry with Jimmy right now!” or “Something Jimmy did really annoyed you!”

When a child says, “This puzzle is too hard!” Instead of, “No, it’s not. It’s easy. Here, I’ll help you. Look, here’s a corner piece.” Try, “Ugh, puzzles can be so frustrating! All these little pieces could drive a person nuts.”

All feelings can be accepted. Some actions must be limited!

We do these things automatically—protect against sad emotions, dismiss what we see as trivial emotions, and discourage angry emotions. We don’t want to reinforce negative feelings. To acknowledge them seems counterintuitive.

It is so very tempting to follow up a perfectly lovely statement accepting a feeling with the word BUT. We worry that our kids will think we approve of their negative behavior when we acknowledge a negative feeling. So we sabotage our good intentions by saying: “I understand you are furious, BUT you cannot hit your sister!” “I hear how upset you are about your brother wrecking your Legos, BUT you have to understand, he’s just a baby.”

“But” takes away the gift you’ve just given. It’s like saying, “I hear how you feel and now I am going to explain to you why that feeling is wrong.”

If you feel a but bubbling up, you can replace it with this handy sentence starter: The problem is . . . “It can be irritating to have to deal with a baby when you’re trying to build a spaceship! The problem is, babies don’t understand about Legos.” “How disappointing to find an empty box when you’re in the mood for cookies! The problem is, it’s too late to go shopping.”

Even though you know . . . “Even though you know it’s too late to go shopping for cookies, you’d sure like to have some right now!” “Even though you know it’s time to pick up your brother at the bus stop, it can be exasperating to have to leave the playground when you’re having fun.” (As a bonus, you’ve taught him a new vocabulary word!) Even though you know is not off-putting because it gives your child credit for understanding the problem, while at the same time letting him know that you empathize with how strongly he feels.

TOOL #2: Acknowledge Feelings with Writing Seeing their feelings and desires written down in black and white can be very powerful, even for prereaders. Carry paper and pencil when you go shopping so that you can add to your child’s “wish list.”

Having their feelings acknowledged actually helps children accept that they can’t always get what they want. In the toy store you can say, “Oh boy, that is a really cool unicorn! You like the sparkles on his mane . . . and the pink and orange stars on his rump. Let’s write it down on your wish list.”

The important thing is that she has a parent who listens to how she feels when she yearns for something, and that helps her develop the important life skill of deferred gratification.

TOOL #3: Acknowledge Feelings with Art Sometimes words, written or spoken, are not enough to express a strong feeling. If you are feeling creative, try art. You don’t have to be Rembrandt—stick figures will do.

I could see Benjamin was about to lose it, but since I had just taken the workshop I did not say “It’s okay, we can fix it, don’t worry.” That’s what I’d normally say, and then he’d scream and throw things. This time I said, “This is frustrating! You don’t like the trains coming apart.” He looked at me and didn’t scream. I had a blackboard next to the table, so I grabbed it and said, “Let’s draw how you feel.” I drew a sad face. “Is this how you feel?” He nodded. I made a tear coming out of the eye and he said, “Draw another one.” I drew more tears. He reached for the chalk and I could see him get a little glimmer in his eye.

Match the emotion. Be dramatic!

It’s important to be genuine when you acknowledge feelings. Nobody likes to feel manipulated. Reach inside and find that emotion. Be real!

TOOL #4: Give in Fantasy What You Cannot Give in Reality

A terrific tool for moments like these is to give a child in fantasy what you can’t give in reality. When your child is crying in the car because he’s thinking about the candy you didn’t buy him at the mall, it’s not the right time for a lecture on tooth decay. Admit it! Candy tastes good! Wouldn’t it be nice if we could eat candy every day and nothing bad would happen to our teeth? What would we have for breakfast? M&M’s or lollipops? And how about lunch? Encourage your kids to chime in.

Last week in our block room a child was reluctant to begin cleaning up. Instead of giving him the standard clean-up lecture, I acknowledged his feelings by saying, “It’s frustrating to have to clean up when you’re not finished with what you’re building.” He just looked at me. So I tried giving him a wish for more time in fantasy. “I wish you had a hundred more hours to play.” He responded, “I wish I had a hundred million billion more hours to play!” Then he started putting blocks away. Amazing.

Resist the urge to ask questions of a distressed child.

You may have noticed that we don’t respond to a child’s distress by asking questions: Are you sad? Did that make you angry? Why are you crying? Even gentle questions can feel like an interrogation when a child is in distress.

By making a statement instead of asking a question, we accept the feelings without requiring any justification. You don’t have to figure out the cause of the feelings in order to empathize. You can say, “You seem sad.” “Something upset you.” Or even just, “Something happened.” That kind of phrase invites your child to talk if she feels like it, but also gives comfort if she doesn’t feel like talking.

“I notice you’re not too happy when we get to school. Something makes you not want to go in.”

upset. In the past I would ask him, “What’s wrong?” or “What happened?” And I always got the standard responses, “I don’t know,” or “Nothing.” This time, instead of questioning him, I tried making a statement to show I understood how he felt. I said, “Jake, you look mad and sad at the same time.” Well, that opened a floodgate.

TOOL #5: Acknowledge Feelings with (Almost) Silent Attention (Don’t just say something. Sit there!)

You can continue to listen to your child, responding with an empathic, “Ugh!,” “Mmm,” “Ooh,” or “Huh.” Often that’s all you need. By lending an attentive ear and firmly squeezing our lips together, or letting out a sympathetic grunt, we can help our children find their own way through their feelings. The gift we can give them is to not get in the way of their process by jumping in with our reactions: advice, questions, corrections. The important thing is to give them our full attention and trust them to work it out.

REMINDER: Tools for Handling Emotions 1. Acknowledge Feelings with Words “You were looking forward to that playdate. How disappointing!” “It can be so frustrating when train tracks fall apart.” 2. Acknowledge Feelings with Writing “Oh no! We don’t have the ingredients we need! Let’s make a shopping list.” “You really want that underwater Lego set. Let’s write that down on your wish list.” 3. Acknowledge Feelings with Art “You seem so sad.” (Draw a stick figure with big tears, or simply hand over a crayon or pencil.) “You are this angry!” (Make angry lines or rip and crumple paper.) 4. Give in Fantasy What You Cannot Give in Reality “I wish we had a million billion more hours to play.” 5. Acknowledge Feelings with (Almost) Silent Attention “Ugh!” “Mmm.” “Ooh.” “Huh.”

feelings can be accepted. Some actions must be limited! • Sit on those “buts.” Substitute: “The problem is . . .” or “Even though you know . . .” • Match the emotion. Be dramatic! • Resist the urge to ask questions of a distressed child.

TOOL #1: Be Playful

One technique, sure to be a hit with the seven and under set, is to make an inanimate object talk. Lonely shoes can whine, “I feel cold and empty. Won’t somebody put a nice warm foot in me?”

Another playful technique is to turn a boring task into a challenge or a game.

Instead of, “Get in the car now. I don’t want to have to ask you again.” Try, “We have to get all the way from the door to the car. Let’s try hopping. It won’t be easy!” Instead of, “If you don’t get into pajamas right now, there will be no story time.” Try, “Do you think you can get your PJs on with your eyes closed?”

You’re also teaching kids how to turn a tedious task into a pleasant activity. We can grumble and mope over a sink full of dirty dishes, or we can put on some lively music, work up the suds, and dance and sing our way through the mess. That’s a valuable life skill.

TOOL #2: Offer a Choice

Instead of, “Get in the car, now!” Try, “Would you like to bring a toy or a snack for the ride?” “Do you want to take giant steps to the car or do you want to skip to the car?” Instead of, “If I have to tell you one more time to get into that tub . . .” Try, “Do you want your bath with bubbles or boats?” “Would you like to hop to the tub like a bunny, or crawl like a crab?”

Each of these statements says to your child, “I see you as a person who can make decisions about your own life.” And every time your child makes a small decision, she’s getting valuable practice for some of the bigger decisions she’ll be making down the road.

When giving a choice, it’s important that both options are pleasant! Satisfying as it may be to say, “You can come with me now, or I can leave you here for the wild dogs to chew on. You decide, honey!” try to resist that impulse. Also not qualifying for the child’s choice award is this father’s statement, in which both options are unpleasant. “I can spank you with my right hand or my left. It’s up to you!”

TOOL #3: Put the Child in Charge

As a parent you can define the job that needs to get done, but let your child be in charge of the details. Delegate! It’s less work for you in the long run, and your child will enjoy some independence.

TOOL #4: Give Information

You don’t always need elaborate preparation to put your child in the driver’s seat. Often it’s enough to give her simple information instead of an order. Here’s how it works. You give your child information. Then she has a chance to figure out for herself what to do. Not only do you avoid the natural resistance that comes from a direct order, you’re also laying the groundwork for your child to develop the ability to exercise self-control, whether or not there’s an adult telling her what to do.

Instead of, “Stop banging on that keyboard. You’re going to break it!” (To which the inevitable reply is an offended, “No, I’m not!”) Give information: “Keyboards are delicate. All they need is a very light touch.” Instead of, “You left the cap off the glue stick again. Great!” Give information: “Glue sticks dry out very quickly when they’re not capped.” Instead of, “Get your seat belt on, or I’m not driving you to your friend’s house.” Give information: “The law is everyone has to be belted in before we can drive.”

TOOL #5: Say It with a Word (or a Gesture)