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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Joanna Faber
Started reading
October 11, 2024
It’s more than a tool. It’s a whole different attitude. You’re assuming that your child can tell herself what to do.”
Just be careful that the one word you use is a noun, not a verb. A verb is more likely to sound like a command. Sit! Come! Quiet! Better for dog training than for child rearing.
“Seat belt.” (Instead of, “Buckle your seat belt, now.”) “Jacket.” (Instead of, “Pick your jacket up off the floor and hang it on the hook.”) “Light.” (Instead of, “How many times have I told you to turn the light off after you leave the bathroom?”) Toothbrushing gesture. Finger to lips gesture. Handwashing gesture.
TOOL #6: Describe What You See
Sometimes a single word is not enough. You may need to string a few together. If you can restrict yourself to a simple description, without adding an irritating command or accusation, you may find your child willing to help out. Instead of, “Don’t walk away and leave your jacket on the floor. I’m not going to pick it up for you.” Describe: “I see a jacket on the floor.” Instead of, “You’re making a big mess. Clean that up or the paints are going away.” Describe: “I see paint dripping.”
Appreciate progress before describing what’s left to do.
As you may have noticed in the last example, when you describe what you see, it helps to describe the positive instead of focusing on the negative. Describe the progress that you see before pointing out what’s left to be done. Instead of, “I see you haven’t finished the cleanup,” you can say, “I see almost all of the cars and blocks have been put away! There’s only one dump truck and a few road pieces left to go.”
TOOL #7: Describe How...
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can be helpful for a child to know what another person is feeling. Kids need to know when their parents or teachers are frightened, frustrated, or angry. It’s hard for them to figure out what’s going on when our words don’t match our emotions.
When you describe how you feel, you’re not only giving children important information, you’re also modeling a vocabulary of emotions that they can use when they are frustrated, upset, or scared.
“You could fall and get hurt.” His standard reply? A breezy, “No I won’t.” It worked much better to tell him, “I get scared when I see a boy so close to the edge. I worry about broken bones! I’m okay if you go up to this point, but no farther.”
When expressing anger or frustration, use the word I, avoid the word you.
When expressing annoyance, irritation, or anger, it’s important to banish the word you. The you is accusatory. As soon as a child hears you, he feels defensive. He may respond by arguing, laughing inappropriately, running away, or getting angry in return. If we can avoid you altogether, we’re much more likely to get a cooperative attitude. There’s a world of difference between, “Look at this mess you made!” and “I don’t like to see food on the floor!”
When your child demands, “Give me juice!” don’t bother telling her, “You’re rude!” Calling her rude is not going to help her learn to be polite. She’ll just learn to say, “You’re rude, too!” It’s more useful to tell her how you feel. “I don’t like being yelled at! That doesn’t make me feel helpful. I like to hear, ‘Mom, can I have some juice, please?’ ” Kids often respond well when we give them the words they can use to get what they want.
Express strong anger sparingly. It can feel like an attack.
TOOL #8: Write a Note
When you find yourself repeating the same plea again and again until you’re sick of your own voice, it may be time to write a note. Don’t worry if your child doesn’t know how to read. The written word has a mysterious power that spoken words do not. A note can be more effective than a nagging voice.
I solved this particular dilemma with a formal notice. I wrote out an “appointment card” for bath time. I offered various options: the 6:00 p.m. slot, the 6:15 slot, and the 6:30 slot. The 6:00 p.m. slot was on special offer, with bubbles. The 6:15 slot offered a happy hour with carrots and rubber fish. All the child had to do was check a box with a marker. They each happily did so after giving serious thought to their options. I was amazed at how well it worked. All I had to do was brandish the card and say, “Your 6:00 p.m. bath is ready, sir!”
TOOL #9: Take Action Without Insult
If your child refuses to wear his bike helmet in spite of your brilliant use of playfulness, choice, and information-giving, you can say, “I’m putting the bike away for now. You’re in no mood to have your head squeezed by a helmet, and I can’t let you ride without one.” If your child keeps pounding on your touchscreen, in spite of your protest that it is delicate, you can remove it, saying, “I see you have a lot of energy. I’m worried that the screen could break. Let’s find something to play with that can take some rough treatment.”
Study after study has found that young children who are not constantly ordered around are much more likely to cooperate with simple requests from a parent—for example, cleaning up toys when asked—than children who are micromanaged and controlled much of the time. They’re also more likely to cooperate with another adult, such as a teacher, and more likely to follow rules when no adults are present to control them. Self-control can only be developed by practice, not by force!1
