Conflict Is Not Abuse: Overstating Harm, Community Responsibility, and the Duty of Repair

by Sarah Schulman

Sometimes, of course, people call the police even when no violence has occurred. They may be enraged that they are not being obeyed, they may be escalating to avoid facing themselves, they may be in a power play where they refuse to speak to the other person and can’t back down. They may not know how to negotiate. They may be angry that the neighbor’s dog is barking. They may be hurt that the neighbor is having a party and they weren’t invited. They may want their child or partner to unilaterally follow their orders. They may be too impatient or compulsive to go through a process of working out conflict. They may have negative friendships or a bad family relationship in which they are encouraged to blame and escalate. Overreacting in the present is often a consequence of unresolved anxiety from the past. We don’t have to be professionals, geniuses, or scholars to understand this. It’s common sense. And, as all novelists, playwrights, and screenwriters know, people do things for reasons, even if they don’t know what those reasons are. Anxiety is best addressed by support and love in trying to understand those reasons, not the false “loyalty” of aggression to escalate unjust actions. When we are in community with people who are escalating, we have to ask the right questions in order to understand what past experiences the instigator is responding to in the present. That is the responsibility of real friendship, the true definition of love.