Conflict Is Not Abuse: Overstating Harm, Community Responsibility, and the Duty of Repair

by Sarah Schulman

Just as unresolved, formerly subordinated or traumatized individuals can collude with or identify with bullies, so can unresolved, formerly subordinated or traumatized groups of people identify with the supremacy of the state. In both cases, the lack of recognition that the past is not the present leads to the newly acquired power to punish rather than to the self-transformation necessary to resolve conflict and produce justice.

individual projection of past experiences onto the present, or lack of support from friends and family to dismantle distorted thinking.

There is often a “cadre” of bad friends around a person encouraging them to do things that are morally wrong, unjustified, and unethical,

And that includes the difficult recognition that for some, unjust escalation is a choice, and for others, it is a compulsion.

Given all this exposure and knowledge and lack of shame, in the context of the mid-twentieth-century city of difference, to think therapeutically was the definition of being an adult. Now, in the age of gentrification, the city’s culture changes.

To say, She did that cruel thing because she was so anxious and guilty that her anxiety overwhelmed her and she couldn’t think clearly, is, in reality, an act of compassion and even love. It is not an insult; it is an insight. It is not mean; it is kind. It shows an awareness that the other person is suffering, we are suffering, and if we could all acknowledge that suffering has content, we could all understand, as a community, somewhat better how to help each other.

In my view, the recognition that a person has distorted thinking that comes from or produces suffering is important, but it has no inherent implication for action. It doesn’t imply medication, incarceration,

Mason and Kreger point out that the falsely accused partner may hold memories of the happy times they shared and the essential positive qualities of the relationship, combined with empathy for the suffering borderline. But they need to understand that the borderline doesn’t feel the same way, as the disease, by its very nature, denies simultaneity and involves dissociation or loss of emotional memory. “Splitting may keep the borderline from” seeing their partner “as a whole person with good and bad qualities.” All of which contribute to organizing group bullying, calling the police, or initiating shunning as a form of punishment.

they long to have someone to rely on in the way that they are themselves reliable.

One of the challenges to the Al-Anon member is to not engage alcoholic behavior, because it does not respond to reason, facts, order of events, or general fairness.

We’re training our families that they are not part of a world, they don’t have responsibilities to others. That they are superior and trump all other human relationships. It’s almost like royalty. You train the family that only people within the structure exist. In this way the family structure is something that actually makes society impossible.