How to Manage Your Home Without Losing Your Mind: Dealing with Your House's Dirty Little Secrets

by Dana K. White

Over time, I’ve turned into a ruthless declutterer. I’m ruthless because I’ve experienced less, and I love having less stuff in my house. I love not bumping into things.

And I realized something: I had established routines by not establishing routines. When I asked my family to do something I hadn’t been doing myself, they were confused.

Once I established routines for myself, my family could jump into those routines because the routines existed.

But something else happened. The decluttering bug spread. As he saw me get rid of things he never thought I’d purge and as he enjoyed open space in our home, he started purging his own clutter.

The Container Concept is simple, and it works. Providing containers (even if that simply means pointing out the limitations of a shelf) does two things. First, it shows them I respect their desire to keep things they deem important. Second, the container is a tangible, visible boundary that determines how much they can keep.

Go ahead. Encourage, set up routines, declutter. Do whatever you can do to help. But do not, under any circumstance, sacrifice your relationship over this issue. People are more important than stuff. Period. Always make it clear to the people you love that even though messiness irritates you, you love them more.

I spent years waiting for the next phase of my life to magically improve the state of my home. I had absolutely no doubt whatsoever that if only I didn’t have such a crazy and unpredictable schedule, or nightly rehearsals after full days of teaching, or such a small apartment, or a house with no proper storage, or kids in diapers, or whatever I was living in the moment, I would be organized. As each new phase of life unfolded, I was disappointed again to learn my messiness hadn’t been magically cured by my circumstances. Things finally changed when I accepted this: the basics are the basics no matter the unique situation. A home that doesn’t have a system for dealing with the basics will consistently get out of control, no matter how much free time its inhabitants have. A home with systems in place for dealing with the basics can avoid Disaster Status even if its inhabitants are frazzled and overworked and exhausted.

I refuse to put off having a comfortable home until my kids are gone and I “have time.” I won’t have time.

Once I established routines and experienced their amazing effect on my home, once I removed decisions and spent my energy on the most basic of daily tasks, I learned from experience that the work is so much less overwhelming when it is just the work alone, not the work plus internal conflict.

As long as I keep going, my failures aren’t actual failures. Real failure only happens when I quit.

You need to stop worrying over what they are doing or not doing, or what bugs or doesn’t bug them, and keep working on changing your habits.