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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
S.J. Scott
Read between
March 27 - April 11, 2020
It doesn’t matter how busy you are—if you are not reviewing your goals every day, you will be less likely to succeed.
Review your goals at least two to three times per day. That way, you can keep them at the forefront of your mind and remind yourself why you’re taking a specific action on a daily basis.
The practice of mindfulness allows us to be present with our partners, to be less emotionally reactive with them, and to more quickly overcome stressful situations in the relationship.
With empathic listening, it’s all about the other person and what they are trying to communicate—with their words, with the words left unspoken, and with their emotions.
As an empathic listener, you must be willing to: Allow the other person to dominate the conversation and determine the topic discussed. Remain completely attentive to what the other person is saying. Avoid interrupting, even when you have something important to add. Ask open-ended questions that invite more from the speaker. Avoid coming to premature conclusions or offering solutions. Reflect back to the speaker what you heard them say.
In your next interaction, commit to 10 minutes of active listening where you are focused solely on the other person and what they are saying. This will bring you closer to your loved one and also give you a break from your cluttered thoughts.
your language is filled with fearful comments, self-condemnation, disparaging remarks about others, or self-pity, you do nothing more than convince others that you are a negative person to be around.
On other hand, when you focus on fostering positive interactions, you can strengthen the relationships you do have. For instance, Dr. John Gottman discovered through his research that there should be five times as many positive interactions between partners as there are negative in order for a relationship to be stable and a marriage to last.
Place a mental filter between your thoughts and words, recognizing the power your words have on one of the most important people in your life.
Resist the temptation to simply react to someone’s words or actions. Take a moment to choose your words carefully. Speak in ways that are loving, compassionate, and respectful, and try to use a calm, non-threatening voice, even if the other person is agitated or angry.
Once you are relaxed, bring to mind a person to whom you wish to send loving kindness, and consider their positive qualities—the light of goodness you see in them. After you focus on their positive qualities for a few minutes, mentally say the following statements directed to your loved one: “May you be happy,” “May you be well,” “May you be loved.”
You could also add thoughts like: May you be free from inner and outer harm and danger. May you be safe and protected. May you be free of mental suffering or distress. May you be free of physical pain and suffering. May you be healthy and strong. May you be able to live in this world happily,
End the Comparisons to Others “Let
“Negative emotions like loneliness, envy, and guilt have an important role to play in a happy life; they’re big, flashing signs that something needs to change.”
Here are three simple and short practices that can help you end the practice of comparing yourself to others:
Practice #2: Change what you can.
Practice #3: Express gratitude constantly.
When you wake up in the morning, before you get out of bed, make a mental list of everything good in your life and focus on each blessing for a minute or two. Do this before you go to sleep as well.
“We can learn to break the habit of accumulating and perpetuating old emotion by flapping our wings, metaphorically speaking, and refrain from mentally dwelling on the past, regardless of whether something happened yesterday or 30 years ago. We can learn not to keep situations or events alive in our minds, but to return our attention continuously to the pristine, timeless present moment rather than be caught up in mental movie-making.”
Forgiving someone doesn’t necessarily mean you reconcile with them. It means you let go of resentment and anger so it doesn’t further poison you. It may be hard to forgive, especially when the offending person hasn’t accepted responsibility for their behavior.
But you can begin by recognizing this person is doing the best they know how with the skills they possess.
If your partner is in pain, it means remaining emotionally open to the pain, and showing empathy. It also means paying attention to your partner’s body language and reflecting it back, as well as using eye contact, gentle touch, and nodding to show you hear your partner.
It generally doesn’t mean offering suggestions or ways to “fix” a situation unless your partner asks for that. In fact, we block our innate ability for emotional presence when we try to do something “more” for our partner.
Be aware of your own reactive emotions, name them, and recognize that they have been triggered, but don’t act on them. Try to pull your attention back to your partner’s words, and acknowledge that your partner’s feelings are as important as your own.
Reflect back to your partner. The willingness to reflect back to your partner the words you hear from them shows that you are actively listening.
When you have an issue with your spouse, rather than taking a jab at them or making a disparaging comment, turn back to the practice of mindfulness. Pay attention to your emotions and wait until you are calm and less defensive before initiating a conversation.
Share the issue without blame or criticism. State your perception of the issue, how it made you feel, and what you need from your partner in order to restore your connection. Listen to your partner’s response and perspective without defensiveness.
As Thích Nhat Hanh suggests in the quote above, rather than slurping down your tea while thinking about all you have to do today, shift your perspective to see drinking your tea as the only important thing in the world (while you are drinking it).
This mind shift can be applied to any routine task—washing your car, mowing the lawn, or even paying the bills. You can approach these tasks with dread and resentment, or you can approach them with your full attention and a sense of gratitude that you are able to accomplish them, that they improve your life, and that, however insignificant, they are worthy of your time.
“Taking a walk, you can be mindful by listening intently to your feet hitting the ground, and the sounds of nature around you. Take in the scenery you observe, the feeling of the warm or cool air, and the smells of being outside.”
Achievement
Appreciation
Calmness
