Magic for Nothing (InCryptid, #6)

by Seanan McGuire

“Every time I think my family has plumbed the depths of stupidity, somebody goes and finds a goddamn shovel.” —Jane Harrington-Price

known Grandpa Thomas before he disappeared. (Grandma Alice, who probably knew him better than anyone else in the world, wasn’t around enough, and Antimony wasn’t sure asking a woman who thought bear traps were appropriate gifts for children to help her get her powers under control would be a good plan.)

Real, practical magic, the sort that ran in families and meant that sometimes having a nightmare meant waking up because the sheets were on fire.

“I remember when your grandfather showed me that trick,” she said. “He was so proud of himself. ‘Look at this thing I can do,’ he said, to the girl who can walk through walls and won’t ever age. But it was just the tip of the iceberg. Magic is so much more.”

“It’s better to act than it is to react. Acting gets you in trouble. Reacting all too frequently gets you dead.” —Alice Healy

“And you shouldn’t believe all the press about Ouija boards. They can’t be used in an exorcism. Trivial Pursuit can, but that’s another story.

Here’s the 4-1-1—which is another retro reference that’s probably going to be incomprehensible before too much longer, thank you march of technology. “Here’s the top Google result” might be a better opening. Anyway:

I went to the Price Family Academy of Hiding in Plain Sight Because Assholes Want to Kill You.

it was all undone in an instant because Cryptozoologist Barbie just wanted to dance.

grrrr....Antimony quite being a brat

“She said there’d been an attack.” I walked over to the stairs, throwing my gym bag as far up the steps as it would go. “On a scale of one to ‘we’re all about to die,’ is there any chance I can stop to take a shower?”

I’d say I was an imaginative child, but when your family outings consist of “okay, kids, try to find your way out of these woods without being eaten by a bear,” sometimes the thought of having a different, better, less murderous family gets really damn tempting.

Gaping seemed like the only real answer. If they were going to have to identify my body by my dental records, I was going to make sure they all got a good look at my teeth.

“So wait, you got your heir and your spare, and they’re both doing a dandy job of lining up the next generation, since Verity’s married and Alex is about to be, so I’m extraneous to needs? Is that what’s going on here?”

My parents raised us to be nonconformists who always look like we just ran away from church camp.

I WAS DONE. No. That wasn’t quite right. I was a hundred miles past done, cresting into the Fjords of Nope, heading for Fuck-That-Ville.

“When your back’s to the wall, just remember: you’re allowed to take those bastards with you.” —Alice Healy

Dominic had been willing to quit for Verity. Dominic had also been disillusioned, in love, and an orphan: he had no family ties to keep him with the Covenant. Leo was different. Leo had a family. He wasn’t going to walk away, even if I’d been in a position to ask him to—which I was not. My situation was nothing like my sister’s, because I couldn’t start making Leo see things from my point of view, and I wasn’t here to seduce us another turncoat. That’s the sort of battle of attrition we can’t win.

The closer we got to the house, the larger it loomed. It was like something out of a Jane Austen novel, as reinterpreted by Stephen King.

“This is all really complicated,” I said. “I thought it would be more like the movies. I’d show up, and say ‘monsters are bad,’ and you’d hand me a crossbow or something.” “Joss Whedon has so very much to answer for,” said Leo, and opened the door.

window positioning, or anything else.” “Wow.” I blinked again. “You’re super important, aren’t you?” Now it was Chloe’s turn to blink. “I beg your pardon?” “I mean, I wouldn’t trust me, if I were you. I’m a stranger from America, with a story that isn’t exactly easy to verify and some really weird skills that only make sense if you believe everything I’ve said. Which I wouldn’t do. So if they’re putting you in here to keep an eye on me while they verify my story, you must be super important.”

think Leo would be sad about it. He’s a little sweet on you, you know. He’s also my brother, and your superior, so I’ll thank you to keep a safe distance.” “Don’t worry about it,” I said. “Romance is the last thing on my mind. I’m here to avenge my family, not to start a new one.”

It was disturbingly close to the way we’d always looked at things. It bore a striking resemblance to my family’s expectation that one day, you’d go on a job and come back with a fiancé, someone who’d seen how bad things could get, someone who would understand. And of course we’d raise our children with smiles on their faces and knives behind their backs, because the Covenant was out there, lurking, a faceless, amorphous monster in the night. We had to be prepared to defend what was ours.

“Trust the mice. They may lead you weird, and they may lead you stupid, but they’ll never lead you wrong.” —Frances Brown

“Sometimes doing the right thing is the hardest thing in the entire world. Sometimes it costs you everything you have.” —Enid Healy

Good news: they thought there were substantially more of us than there really were. As in, they were assuming dozens. I wasn’t sure how fast Covenant girls were expected to breed, but their projections for the size of our family made me want to cross my legs, like, forever. Better news: Margaret didn’t remember seeing Verity before her television appearance. Sarah’s makeshift mind wipe had been complete enough that it hadn’t left any holes. The Covenant still thought Dominic was dead, and thank God and our local telepath for that. Bad news: they were planning to quadruple their presence in North America over the next three years and take us out, assuming they could find us. And they would find us. They talked about torturing cryptids for information like they were discussing what to have for dinner. To them, anything done to a nonhuman didn’t really count and couldn’t be considered “wrong.” They would come up from South America or down from Canada, and they would find us, and they would kill us all. I needed to warn people. I needed to tell them our fears were justified.

“The trick is not learning to disappear. The trick is learning to hide in plain sight, until everyone around you swears you belong exactly where you are.” —Jane Harrington-Price

“Do I pass, or is this where I try to see whether I can run faster scared than you can murderous? Because I can run really fast when I’m scared.”

“Did someone get the number of that truck?” I asked, of no one in particular. “There was no truck, Priestess,” said Mindy solemnly. “You were Asleep. Exceedingly and utterly Asleep. We attempted, in the traditional manner, inserting pencils in your nose, but you did not wake. You merely threw the pencils across the room and muttered.” I would have been mad, but that particular tradition was my fault, triggered during Alex’s “fall asleep doing his homework” phase in high school. I should have known the mice would be watching when I started jamming pencils in my brother’s nose, and more, I should have known they would promptly make a holy ritual out of it, because that was what the mice did.

“People can be awfully confusing sometimes. Knives are easier, but knives won’t ever love you.” —Alice Healy

Anyplace that gets more than three feet of snow during an average winter is not a place where people should be. Unless they are Yeti, and then they can live wherever they like, but I’m not coming over.

“A full stomach heals most ills. Except for the ills that leave you without internal organs. Those are harder to heal.” —Evelyn Baker

“Yeah, yeah, get the girl who just tried to skewer me a costume.” Sam shook his head. “I’m going to run away and become an accountant.” “Of course you are, dear.” Emery patted his shoulder encouragingly. “Now chin up and get ready for tonight, both of you. It’s going to be a marvelous show.”

“Are you being careful when you scavenge? You know there are giant snakes in the other half of this RV, right?” “Yes, Priestess,” said Mindy. “We have avoided the Realm of Unreasonably Large Pythons.”

Speaking of responsibility . . . “Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse,” I muttered, as the Ferris wheel moved toward its highest point. The seat rocked, hard, from the extra weight of Mary appearing next to me. “I wish you wouldn’t call me that way,” she said, words doing nothing to conceal her relief.

*snickers*

Mary shook her head. “And here I used to think your grandmother was trouble.” “We get better at complicating things with every generation.

He was wearing jeans and a sweatshirt again, and again, he had no shoes. “Don’t your feet get cold?” “Nah, I spend enough time sticking them in my mouth that they never get the chance.”

“Secrets are like bricks. Sometimes you need them if you want to build a wall. Other times, they’ll only weigh you down.” —Enid Healy

“HAIL!” shouted the mice, as soon as the door was open. What they lacked in numbers, they made up for with enthusiasm. “HAIL THE RETURN OF THE PRECISE PRIESTESS! HAIL THE COMING OF THE VERY LARGE MONKEY!”

“If I were an actual spider-centaur, I’d go to Comic-Con as the Stalk from Saga and get my picture taken with every famous person I could find.”

I slipped into the tent, walking under the bleachers to where Sam was waiting for the cue to go on. He took in my fluffy pink dressing gown with a smirk. “Are you a pretty princess?” “I am the prettiest fucking princess you are ever going to see,” I replied. “You think I’m going to walk through a crowd of townies in sequins and fishnets? You’re high.” “I did it.” “You do not have double-D breasts.” “I’d look sort of silly if I did,” he said. “With my shoulders, I’d definitely want a G-cup.”

“Don’t wait. Waiting is for people with time to spare, and baby, that’s never going to be us.” —Frances Brown

“You want to kiss me?” “Um, yes? If that’s not the right answer, I’m willing to try another one.” “You know there’s things about me that you don’t know, right? Things you might not like so much when you find them out.” Sam shrugged. “There’s things about everyone that I don’t know. I like you. That’s enough for right now, y’know?”

“Because of the Work You Do, or because of the Work You Want?” Aeslin mice are always truthful, but not always perfectly literal. I smiled at her, sadly. “A little of both, with a side order of I think I really like a guy, and I can’t possibly have him, because he’s part of the work I want, and the work I’m doing is just going to put him in danger.” “Is it not tradition to travel to carnivals and fall in love under false pretenses? Did not the Violent Priestess ride a white horse and love the God of Unexpected Situations in a place very much like this one?”

“When someone judges you for something you can’t help, try to forgive them. They don’t understand. And if they keep doing it, knock their fucking teeth in.” —Jane Harrington-Price

“I’ve never heard somebody scream so much when they weren’t on a roller coaster,” he said. “Run away with me.” “Tempting, but your grandmother would kill us.” Assuming she found us before the Covenant did. Assuming they found us before Sam heard what they’d done to his family, and didn’t kill me himself. “Want to go check the shopping? There’s usually someone selling cupcakes.” “Oh, see, that’s not fair. Turning my head with baked goods? You’re a foul temptress or something.” “Or something,”

My real mistake had been in thinking, even for a second, that I could get through this unscathed; that I was having my first big adventure, not interacting with real people in the real world, where there were real stakes. People who weren’t going to behave like the NPCs in my video games and just disappear when their part in the story was over. People who wanted things.

“You must speak. If you do not speak, she cannot know, for did not the Thoughtful Priestess say We Are Not All Mind-Readers Here, We Leave That To Sarah?”

“The Covenant sent you to infiltrate the carnival and find out what was going on,” said Ananta. I nodded. She groaned. “Humans are the worst. You’re always scurrying around and kicking over other people’s anthills. Why didn’t you say something sooner?”

they got started, humans were at the bottom of the pecking order. The only thing you had going for you was the speed with which you bred. Even at our greatest, the wadjet could never compete, because we have too much trouble mating. The Covenant began as an attempt to save your species from extinction. It got out of hand when they learned to love killing. Now we get people like you and your family, trying to rebuild what your own species destroyed. It’s all about savior complexes. It always has been. Not that I mind, since it means I get to live in a world where some people don’t want to kill me on sight, but seriously. You think you can fix everything. You can’t.”

“You won’t get everything you want in this world. That’s a good thing. What you do get will matter more, because you’ve earned it.” —Evelyn Baker