Steadfast (True North, #2)

by Sarina Bowen

“How did I get here?” I asked suddenly. “Ambulance. I believe they said your father called 9-1-1.” “Did he, now.” Impressive.

I couldn’t even ask Sophie, who would probably want to help me. But she couldn’t. And there was nobody whose job it was to look after assholes like me…

Cravings Meter: Just Kill Me Already

By the time I heard her gasp at the doorway of my hospital room, I was sweating and shaking and cursing God for my existence.

I knew I was being an asshole. But I did not want her to see me this way. This right here—this was the reason I’d hid my problem in the first place. She was the one person in my life who thought I was somebody worth knowing. I never wanted to show her the truth.

there was someone sitting in my darkened room. Sophie? I lifted my head to try to see. My visitor cleared his throat, and it was definitely not Sophie.

I’d told Sophie to leave, and I’d meant it. But I was still disappointed. The heart wants what it wants.

I didn’t want him to give Sophie the all clear. Because I was never going to be all clear.

“I understand why you feel sorry for yourself right now. But I think you’re the toughest person I’ve met. A hopeless case lets the hospital medicate him. Because the doctor ordered it, right?”

You’re a B.A.” “A what?” “A—” He dropped his voice. “—a badass.”

“Ruth Shipley wants you to stay at her place when you’re released from here.”

“You don’t carry health insurance, which is illegal by the way.” “Thanks for the update.”

“She understands. And she’s not coming up here again until you tell her that it’s okay.”

That was the whole problem with me. It was never over. Sophie needed to understand that. She was a smart girl. She should get the hell away from me.

it’s not like I expected them to bring me justice. But the drug dealers who’d tried to shake me down might get the crazy notion that Sophie knew something. And I couldn’t let that happen.

“Will you please call her? Once I tell her the Suboxone helped you, she’ll be waiting to hear from you.” That was probably true. But I’d just proven myself to be not worth the wait.

My real crime had been carrying on with her these past few weeks. It’s just sex, she’d said. But that wasn’t true. If I kept her in my life, she wouldn’t go off and find someone better. Someone who wasn’t one bad day away from repeating detox.

But I did not call Sophie. She’d be better off if I never ever called her.

The whole point of showing up today was just to check the roster of new admissions, to make sure there weren’t any new patients who needed help from the social work department. When I’d seen Jude’s name on the list, I’d stopped breathing.

I felt the sudden urge to cry. When I saw what the hospital had done to him—giving him the very substance he’d spent six months avoiding—I’d just wanted to break something.

Everything was fucked up, but I felt better than I had in months because I didn’t have any drug cravings.

he was the same cop that Sophie had sat with over coffee. Don’t hold it against him, asshole, I coached myself. I’d jump at the chance to linger over coffee with Sophie, too. Who wouldn’t?

I need you to go to your boss and tell him that two dudes are asking a lot of questions about that night three and a half years ago. And they’re not afraid to mention Sophie Haines as someone who they might want to visit next.”

“All right. Tell Sophie thank you.” He rolled his eyes. “You tell her. Jesus.”

it takes courage to want things, and to pursue them. Staying numb means you can never be disappointed.”

“You don’t think you’re good for her.” “Of course I’m not good for her.” Who would argue that point? The priest smiled at me. “Maybe you weren’t always good for her. But it’s not a fatal condition.

Of course I loved Sophie.

I hate that you have to take me in.” Griffin frowned. “Let me ask you a question—if I showed up on your doorstep after someone beat the shit out of me, would you let me in?” “Of course I would.” “Right.” He shrugged. “So don’t sweat it.

He wasn’t wrong when he pointed out that I’d help him in a heartbeat. It’s just that I was always the one needing the help. I was sick of it. I was sick of me. Everyone else must be, too.

“Aw.” She gave me a sweet smile, and I marveled at how easy I felt with this family.

I pulled her closer and took a deep breath of her apple-scented hair. Sophie. We stood there for a while, just holding each other.

I was trying to picture Sophie and my father having a conversation. “Yeah. I mean—he had all the paint protection garb on, so he couldn’t hand it to me himself.

“There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you,” she whispered.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want Sophie in my life. I wanted her very badly. I just wanted there to be a better me to give her in return.

“Sophie,” I warned. “The door is closed. Since when are you a prude?”

And just like that, I was getting blown on the Shipleys’ couch on a chilly Tuesday evening.

No matter how many hours I’d spent trying to convince my heart that Sophie was off limits, my body always fought back.

“You spoil me,” I said quietly. “Someone should.”

“All we’ve ever had were stolen moments,” I said, even though it was too sad of an idea for this moment. “I wish I could hold you all night.”

“Sure. If you tell me your password.” Oh, man. Busted. “It’s Sophie2010.” She looked up, a question in her eyes. “The year I first kissed you. I’m a sap, I know.” “I like saps.”

Jude napped for a little while, and I lay there, just happy to be with him.

I missed him. I craved him.

All that will happen is that your father gets pissed off.” “Fuck him,” I whispered. “No thanks,”

I was back to thinking of Jude and me as two people against the world.

“I care a great deal,” he said eventually. “That’s why I don’t see a future for us.”

“I’m trying to tell you how much I love you, and you just say I’m crazy.”

When things go wrong for me, who’s going to be there to pick me up?” He drew a slow breath. “Someone stronger than I am, I hope. Someone who doesn’t have a history of solving his problems with a syringe.”

“You said you’d do anything for me.” “Yeah?” His voice roughened and his eyes got red. “I guess I lied to you. I do that sometimes.”

There was no song sad enough for the way it felt to hear him deny me.

I was willing to do anything for Jude. And none of it mattered if he wouldn’t let me.