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Happiness is not just a matter of feeling good. If it were, drug abusers would be the happiest people on the planet.
These days, though, it’s not sabre-toothed cats or 200-kilogram wolves that our mind warns us about. Instead it’s losing our job, being rejected, getting a speeding ticket, not being able to pay the bills, embarrassing ourselves in public, upsetting our loved ones, getting cancer, or any of a million and one other common worries. As a result we spend a lot of time worrying about things that, more often than not, never happen.
Thus, evolution has shaped our minds so that we are almost inevitably destined to suffer psychologically: to compare, evaluate and criticise ourselves; to focus on what we’re lacking; to be dissatisfied with what we have; and to imagine all sorts of frightening scenarios, most of which will never happen. No wonder humans find it hard to be happy!
the harder we pursue pleasurable feelings, the more we are likely to suffer from anxiety and depression.
So here is the happiness trap in a nutshell: to find happiness, we try to avoid or get rid of bad feelings – but the harder we try, the more bad feelings we create.
The mind loves telling stories; in fact, it never stops. All day, every day, it tells you stories about who you are, what you’re like, what you should be doing with your life, what other people think of you, what’s wrong with the world, what will happen in the future, what went wrong in the past, and so on. It’s like a radio that never stops broadcasting.
The point is, if you’re going to put yourself in any sort of challenging situation, if you’re going to take any significant risk, then anxiety is a normal emotion. It will be there. And defusing negative thoughts is not going to get rid of it.’
Acceptance does not mean ‘putting up with’ or resigning yourself to anything. Acceptance is about embracing life, not merely tolerating it. Acceptance literally means ‘taking what is offered’. It doesn’t mean giving up or admitting defeat; it doesn’t mean just gritting your teeth and bearing it. It means fully opening yourself to your present reality – acknowledging how it is, right here and now, and letting go of the struggle with life as it is in this moment.
The interesting thing is, although these demons threaten you, they never actually cause you any physical harm. Why not? Because they can’t! All they can do is growl and wave their claws and look terrifying – physically they can’t even touch you. And once you realise this, you’re free. It means you can take your ship wherever you want – as long as you’re willing to accept the demons’ presence.
Some people call this ‘staying in your comfort zone’, but that’s not a good name for it because the comfort zone is definitely not comfortable. It should be called the ‘misery zone’ or the ‘missing-out-on-life zone’.
