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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Rick Cormier
Read between
August 4 - August 6, 2023
I went from the belief that everyone was in it for themselves to the realization that we all are connected. I understood for the first time that, if I had lived your life, I'd be more like you and vice versa. I
“It works the same with dreaming, also. Our unconscious mind creates our dreams. The specific elements of our dreams – the people, places, and situations – are completely random. Only the emotions they evoke in us have any relevance.”
First impressions, job interviews, performances, major purchases. The things and situations that make you nervous can be a road map to your own happiness. Don't avoid them. Learn to tolerate your anxiety. Take a risk. Your best life is always just beyond your comfort zone.
The fears you avoid become stronger. The fears you confront become weaker while you get stronger. It's your choice. You can expand your world or watch it shrink.
I've yet to meet a happy controller. They all know what the rest of us should be doing and how we should live, but they're some of the least happy people on the planet because they rely on external sources for their comfort and self-esteem, rather than carry it with them. The positive side to controllers is that they excel in the workplace. Controllers are very responsible and take their jobs seriously. They tend to be organized, responsible, and detail-oriented.
I reserve my cranial real estate for essential things, which is partly why I'm so much more relaxed than you. There is no hamster running in a little wheel up in my head. My head is used to solve actual problems when they occur. The rest of the time I do what I have to and enjoy what I can.
Progressive desensitization is the behavioral treatment of choice for specific phobias. In progressive desensitization, we first make a detailed list of steps leading up to the person's fear.
When he and his younger sister were six and four years old, their single mother would leave them alone in a motel room for as much as two weeks at a time with only a bag or two of groceries. At the age of 26, my client needed to hide food under a mattress, tucked into seat cushions, etc., anywhere that he slept. He felt a sense of security knowing that food was nearby.
People with social phobia have a crippling fear of being judged or embarrassed in common social situations.
In Week One I teach clients diaphragmatic breathing (breathing from the stomach instead of the chest) and instruct them to practice it regularly while watching TV, reading, in a waiting room, etc. The goal is to become so comfortable doing it that you can easily do it at the first sign of a panic attack. When a panic attack occurs, the client who has practiced begins the diaphragmatic breathing. This does two things: it counters the typically shallow breathing that often accompanies a panic attack and puts the client back in control. This is a behavioral approach.
Week Two, I switch to a cognitive intervention: distraction. Based on the client's interests, I might instruct the client to make a mental list at the first sign of a panic attack. List all the James Bond movies you can think of. Name every Beatles song you can. List every breakfast cereal, or every local street name, whatever. The point is to make a list that you have to think about. This derails the panic attack by replacing the fearful obsession with a harmless one.
there's Week Three: Transcendental Meditation.
When practiced 15 to 20 minutes daily for several months, TM can decrease a person's general anxiety level. Not everyone is willing to interrupt his day to meditate for 15 to 20 minutes, but those who do get relief from panic attacks and all sorts of anxiety issues.
people with OCD are cognitively aware that their compulsive behaviors are silly and useless, but they do them because it is the only way they know to alleviate the anxiety produced by their obsession.
“...in clinical trials, 35% of subjects responded favorably to placebos while 41% of subjects given this drug responded favorably, thus proving the efficacy of the drug.” In other words, 35% of test subjects got relief from the pain or depression from taking a sugar pill. The very idea that relief was on the way was enough to cause their brain to release the proper chemicals that supplied the relief. But this medication, which tries to artificially stimulate the release of those same brain chemicals, does a tiny bit better, justifying its $200 a month cost.
Pharmaceuticals are vital. But they are not the answer to every mental health complaint. Neither are herbal remedies.
Chronic worriers wind up disconnected from real life. They filter all experience through their thought processes. People with Generalized Anxiety Disorder feel safer experiencing life from a distance through the fantasy world of the mind than they do being in the present moment. The act of overthinking is an unconscious way of avoiding feelings. Emotions about avoided issues are transformed into useless thoughts such as guilt and needless worry which are unresolvable because they mask deeper issues.
The only behavioral component I use in the treatment of GAD is to teach some relaxation exercises since worriers have difficulty relaxing.
Because chronic worriers always focus on possible future problems, they tend to be out of touch with the present. It helps to focus on questions like, “What can you do to improve your life/happiness/contentment/relationships/marriage/satisfaction right now?” For this same reason, any mindfulness training helps. If I can get the client to combine mindfulness with physical exercise, so much the better. Focusing one's attention on the soles of one's feet while walking or on one's breathing while doing any exercise is extremely beneficial for all anxiety and depressive disorders.
We need to get people out of their heads and into the present moment in the real world.
really nutty tasks for homework: 1)When you do your dishes (or laundry, or dusting, etc.), do it as a ballet. 2)Drive to work wearing a silly hat and a fake mustache. Be sure the mustache looks fake. 3)Call and order a pizza but, when asked for your name, give them a ridiculously silly name like, “Twitwiggle.” Then go and pick up your pizza and proudly announce your name as “Twitwiggle.” 4)Sing out loud in public when people least expect it. Give yourself extra points if the song is ridiculous. 5)Make a list of the funniest things that ever happened to you. 6)Smile and say hello to at least
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The point was to get people to play, to do something they would never do. The power of the exercise was to realize that they survived the silly behavior. The world did not fall apart because they had stepped out of character.
When a particular life-threatening (or even perceived life-threatening) inescapable traumatic event is more than we can handle emotionally, imagine a thick glass wall drops down between our conscious self and our emotions. It allows us to survive the threat. If I can no longer feel what's happening, I can better survive it.
I always avoid re-injuring trauma victims. Since trust is an issue for most PTSD clients, I focus first on establishing a relationship. I'll ask what category the trauma falls into (sexual trauma, violent trauma, war-related trauma, etc.), but I don't press for details, even when my employer insists that I do. I make it clear to clients that at any time if they wish to discuss details, I'll listen. As we meet on a weekly schedule, my goal is to win the client's trust. I want the client to be very comfortable with me. We discuss relationships, work, play, whatever the client wishes to discuss.
I might teach some practical relaxation and anger management skills. The client may bring up some guilt or shame issues, common with PTSD. As I do with paranoid schizophrenics, I look for one small thing that I can help with, something easy for the client to fix. This is often the biggest step toward gaining my client's trust.
“There are 37 ways to entrance someone in hypnotherapy, and Milton Erickson is responsible for 36 of them.”
The most famous and popular of the power therapies is Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy. In EMDR, the therapy session takes place while the clients focus their attention on the therapist's finger which is moving left to right to left in front of their eyes.
Another power therapy is “Thought Field Therapy” (TFT) or “Emotional Freedom Technique” (EFT).
EFT and other tapping techniques were later introduced by some of Roger's blessed disciples. In all of these tapping therapies, the client taps his finger on various parts of his face and body while repeating positive and appropriate therapeutic affirmations.
The particular spots that you tap are “meridian points” based on the same ancient Chinese energy system chart used in acupuncture. What you are doing is fixing your own emotional and mental state by rerouting your energy flow without needles.
Visual Kinesthetic Dissociation (VKD) technique.
Enter VKD. Call it “guided visualization”, and you pretty much sum it up.
Now imagine if your subconscious planted false memories when you weren't sleeping, memories you couldn't discount as dreams. Welcome to the world of schizophrenic delusions.
Schizophrenics don't lie. They have false memories and experiences mixed in with the real ones.
When adults repress emotions, that energy gets transferred to that hamster wheel in our head where it becomes unresolvable guilt, anxiety, self-doubt, or even self-loathing.
Many cultures are uncomfortable with emotions. Here, in the US, sadness is not traditionally considered masculine. Anger is not considered feminine. Fear indicates weakness. It's okay to be happy, but too much expression of joy makes people uncomfortable.
There will always be pain and loss and disappointment, but joy and love and beauty is always within our reach. They were there all along, but you have to make a conscious step toward them. You need to figure out what activities, people, and thoughts make you happy and deliberately include them in your life.
When we become adults, no one tells us that we can choose to remake ourselves. Most of us approach life with the belief that we are the result of our upbringing, for better or worse. It's convenient because my flaws and poor choices become someone else's fault. If I'm shy or overbearing or quick to anger, it was how I was raised. Deal with it. I call this “cruise control.”
All abusers want you to believe that you can stop the abuse by changing yourself.
Other common aspects of abuse are manipulation and guilt. Abuse victims eventually reach the point where they want and need the approval and love of their abusers.
It's important to understand that, while abusers are incapable of loving others, they're incapable of loving themselves, also. Abusers need to feel superior. They will obsessively find fault, teach, correct and criticize.
Abusers don't abuse consciously. They abuse automatically, which is worse.
It's also one of the reasons that so many first marriages fail. We unknowingly drag the worst of our childhood into our adulthood. Some believe that there is an unconscious desire to heal or fix the most painful relationship of our childhood.
When you figure out who will keep you miserable, you can begin to recognize who might make you happy.
Words are easy. Even abusive partners use words (after the abuse) to keep their victims on the hook, to keep them hopeful and forgiving.
When I feel secure in our relationship, I'm going to relax and how I treat you will begin to reflect how I really feel about you.
Do I listen to you? Do I enjoy spending time with you? Do I treat you with respect? Am I present for you, emotionally? Am I supportive? Do I go out of my way to make you feel loved? It's easy to tell you that you're special. Do I treat you as if you were special? Do I treat you lovingly?
People commonly think that the secret to a great relationship is communication, but it isn't. It's Compatibility. I can prove it. Imagine a couple that wakes up in the morning, shares a kiss, eats breakfast quietly while each reads a novel or newspaper, kisses goodbye, goes to work, returns home, eats dinner, watches TV, shares a goodnight kiss and goes to bed. (The kisses are optional.) They have done very little communicating because neither of them is very talkative. But they both value stability and companionship, and they love one another. I wouldn't want my marriage to be so bland. But
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Three things make up who we are as individuals: what we think, what we feel, and what we do. If we manage to change any one of these three aspects of ourselves, the other two will follow.
Cognitive therapy works to change your thinking. Clients are taught to argue a healthy position internally.
