Mixed Nuts: or What I've Learned Practicing Psychotherapy

by Rick Cormier

Gestalt Therapy, Psychodrama, Primal Scream Therapy, etc. work by directly affecting a client's feelings.

Targeting what a person does sums up the behavioral approach.

People create precisely what they try hardest to avoid.

I've worked with lots of “people-pleasers” and co-dependents. Here is what is unavoidable: if I fool you into loving me by creating a false persona, I'll never know whether you would even like the real me; I'll have to keep up that act to keep your love, and I'll always know that you're in love with the “act” and not me.

Because most physical pain heals. Emotional pain is tougher. It stays with us, becomes a part of our psyche and our self-image. Emotional abuse becomes a voice that plays in our head, reminding us that we are flawed and undeserving. If I repeatedly tell a child or a spouse that she's stupid, she will hear those words each time she makes a mistake or fails at something, even long after I'm gone.

I have a theory that has served me well: 10% of all the people you'll meet will like you, no matter what. Another 10% will hate you, no matter what. The other 80% has no feelings about you either way. They don't know you exist and don't care. You don't believe me? Think about the last ten people you encountered, whether they were cashiers, waiters, or just shared a waiting room with you. How many of the last ten can you remember? How many made an impact? 10% is PLENTY. Those 10% are your “peeps”, your tribe. You can be yourself with them. They are attracted to you exactly the way you are. They are people whose souls just resonate with yours. Who knows why? They don't ask you to prove anything. They like you despite your differing opinions. They like you despite your bad choices. They like you despite your failures. They are happy for your every success, in contrast to that 10% who can't stand you, who dislike you even more with each success. We'll never win over that 90%. Why waste the energy? Why try to change yourself to please them? Better to deal with them with a polite detachment and spend your emotional energy on your 10%.

“If you need encouragement, praise, pats on the back from everybody, then you make everybody your judge.”

“Mental health is the ability to love, work, and play.”

Depressed people live in their heads. Anxious people live in their heads. People escape to their heads to avoid their feelings. Your head is a calculator. Its most useful purpose is to solve actual problems. Life is out here, in the present moment.

Activities like dancing, playing a musical instrument, sports, dancing, or arts and crafts can help if they force you out of your head and into the moment. It can also help to learn to tell yourself SHUT UP!!! Stamp your feet. Take some breaths. That snap-the-rubber-band-on-your-wrist trick works for some people, anything to get you grounded back in the real world.

Only people who are close to me can hurt me with words said in anger. If they apologize, I'll forgive them, but every one of those reckless comments becomes a brick in an emotional wall between us that keeps me from being as open and trusting as I would prefer to be. I recall a story about someone breaking a plate out of anger. Even after diligently gluing it back together, the plate would never be the same again. It works the same with our anger toward our loved ones.

I often see clients who as adults are still trying desperately to win the approval of their parents or siblings. I often think if they were incapable of treating you lovingly when you were young and cute and precious, why would they be different now? They did what they could based on what they learned, based on the quality of love that they received. If you managed to reach adulthood and your relationships with your parents or your siblings are not what you wish they were, find relationships elsewhere! That's what lovers and spouses and friends are for!

Live intentionally and consciously. Figure out what was lacking in your family of origin and get it from your adult family.

Q. Which behavior indicates happiness? A. Resilience.

Three mistakes that people often make are letting their moods define them, letting other people define them, and letting their past define them.

Happy people understand that those who are critical of them are often revealing their own issues. They have self-esteem and self-respect and are quick to admit and forgive their mistakes. They are grateful for what they have. They appreciate and enjoy what is good in their lives. They recognize that the mind is for actual problem-solving, and don't use it to dwell in the past, obsess over the future, or avoid the present. Happy people take responsibility for their mood. When they are tired of feeling sad or angry or scared or hopeless, they do whatever it takes to turn their mood around. That's true happiness. It's a choice one makes.

“To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived -This is to have succeeded.” ~Bessie Anderson Stanley

We will never fully comprehend without a doubt exactly how this universe works. Everything is projection. We each create and respond to our own interpretation of what we perceive based on what we believe. I'm just saying that, in my perception, the common denominator is love and caring.