Lily and the Octopus

by Steven Rowley

EIGHT TIMES I WAS COWARDLY 1 When I was five and my father told me to walk in a more masculine way and I was so immediately overcome with shame that I did. 2 That time in the seventh grade when this popular kid with a French last name called me a faggot and instead of standing up for myself I thought of how faggot would sound in French (fag-oh) while wishing for the floor to swallow me whole. 3 When my parents divorced and people asked me about it and I pretended I was glad. 4 When this guy in high school performed oral sex on me and I told him afterward that it was not a big deal because even though he might be gay, I was comfortable with my heterosexuality. 5 Deciding not to major in creative writing because I thought that the broader and blander “communications” was the safer degree. 6 When I ended one relationship by becoming so distant and cold that after months of trying to reach me and discover what was wrong, he was left with no choice but to break up with me. 7 When I didn’t immediately confront Jeffrey about the text message I’d seen. 8 Every time I don’t tell my mother that I love her because I’m afraid she won’t say it back.