More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory (More Than Two Essentials)

by Franklin Veaux

Understanding and programming your own mind is your responsibility; if you fail to do this, the world will program it for you, and you’ll end up in the relationship other people think you should have, not the relationship you want.

You are allowed to set boundaries on your personal space and time.

Take care of yourself so you can take care of those around you.

You’ll need courage because polyamorous relationships can be scary. Loving other people without a script is scary. Allowing the people you love to make their own choices without controlling them is scary. The kind of courage we’re talking about involves being willing to let go of guarantees—and love and trust your partners anyway.

It’s impossible to “make” another person be secure. We can provide a compassionate and supportive environment by providing reassurance, by listening, by acting in thoughtful ways, but these actions cannot make someone else secure. Internal work is required for a sense of security and confidence. It’s almost impossible to build a strong relationship of any kind amid insecurity. This seems especially true in polyamory. Insecurity invents its own evidence and supports its own premises. No amount of someone else’s time and effort is enough to make an insecure person see the light and realize that the insecurity is unfounded. He or she must intentionally and deliberately challenge, understand and then choose to move past the insecurity. Intentionally and deliberately challenging, understanding, and choosing to move past insecurity is frightening, uncomfortable work. Staring our inner demons in the face is so uncomfortable that it can make crawling through broken glass dipped in alcohol and rattlesnake venom seem like a cakewalk. It is the rare person who’s willing to do this without being prodded into it. And this principle has a corollary. Trying to avoid upsetting a partner by giving in to their insecurity, or steering around their sensitivities and triggers, can become enabling: reinforcing rather than alleviating the problem. The very things we do to try to make a partner feel more secure can make the insecurity worse.

As counterintuitive as it may seem, sometimes a lasting sense of security comes more from knowing a partner is free to go but chooses to stay than from attempting to obligate that partner to stay.

Living in fear won’t stop us from losing what we love, it will only stop us from enjoying it.

Know that you are lucky to have people in your life with the power to break your heart, because it means you have love.

(Couples counselors say that financial stress is more likely to ruin a marriage than any other single factor, including infidelity.)

An important skill in creating happy poly relationships involves learning to see other lovers, particularly a partner’s other lovers, as people who make life better for both of you rather than a hazard to be managed.

In polyamory it becomes especially vital to come to terms with the fear of being alone, first because you are likely to be alone from time to time, and second because more than one relationship is on the line.

The people in the relationship are more important than the relationship. Don’t treat people as things.