More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory (More Than Two Essentials)

by Franklin Veaux

People in long-term, very committed relationships may still struggle to maintain connection.

Each of these flows—connection, commitment—gives people power in a relationship. Power tends to be proportional to the size of the other flows. The more we've committed to a relationship, and the more connection we feel with someone, the greater the power that person has—to affect not only ourselves and our relationship with that person, but all our other relationships as well.

The person who feels less connection or commitment tends to hold more power.

Some key defining elements of empowerment in a romantic relationship are: engaging and participating in the decision-making process for decisions that affect you having a full range of options available when decisions are made, not a simple yes or no option (or, in extreme cases, the "Accept it or leave" option) having agency over one's own body, relationships and life being able to express needs, opinions, desires and boundaries having access to the information that materially affects your relationship, person, safety or security being able to propose alternatives having the ability to object to, and open negotiations about, rules, agreements or structures of the relationship having the ability to give, withhold or withdraw consent

When we use these criteria to define empowerment, it can become clear that an empowered relationship is not necessarily one in which everyone has equal power. Rather, it is one in which no one is disempowered, intentionally or unintentionally,

Sometimes we can try to use rules to address things we are shy about discussing. It feels scary to talk about our vulnerabilities and insecurities. Often talking about rules becomes a way to try to do that by proxy. It doesn't work, because if we can't talk about the reason for the rule, our partners won't understand the rule's intent, and that leads to trouble, mischief and rules-lawyering: insisting on the letter of the rule without being clear on the intent.

Psychologists have discovered that we are remarkably poor at predicting how we will respond to novel situations.

Avoiding discomfort isn't really the same thing as creating happiness; real happiness is often on the other side of our comfort zone.

Healthy agreements are those that encourage moving in the direction of greatest courage.

The agreements that work most consistently are those that are rooted in compassion, encourage mutual respect and empowerment, leave it to our partners' judgment how to implement them, and have input from—and apply equally to—everyone affected by them. These include principles like the following: Treat all others with kindness. Don't try to force relationships to be something they are not. Don't try to impose yourself on other people. Understand when things are Not About You. Understand that just because you feel bad, it doesn't necessarily mean someone else did something wrong. Know that your feelings sometimes lie to you. Own your own mess. Favor trust over rules.

Life rewards courage. The game changer that turns everything upside down might just leave you in a better place. The only real control you have in your relationships comes from working together to express the things you need even while change is happening all around you.

Fairness begins with compassion "That's not fair!" Below a certain age, we hear people say this all the time. Past that age our vision gets longer, and we learn that fairness operates best on a global, not a local, scale.

The truth is, structure can never solve the problem of jealousy

Surely the most ubiquitous misunderstanding of love is "love hurts." Loving never hurts—it's wanting others to be different from how they are, and not getting what you want, that we find so painful. christopher wallis

This balancing act requires flexibility, adaptability, self-knowledge and compassion.

One of the most difficult hurdles to overcome can be the assumption that a person is polyamorous because something is missing.

From the perspective of a monogamous person, polyamory may look like a license to behave indiscriminately. It can be difficult to shake the notion that commitment and exclusivity are the same thing.

Nor is polyamory (necessarily) about a need for sexual variety.

Polyamory might look like a need for sexual variety, but a better way to think about it is in terms of openness to deep personal connection, not too different from the way most people are open to making new friends.

We believe that trust between partners is an essential part of happy, stable relationships.

Instead, focus on practical things your partner does have control over. If you need more time with her, say "I need more time with you," not "I don't want you spending so much time with other people." Be concrete about the things that are bothering you—schedules, chores, responsibilities, time with the kids, fun time together—and negotiate for those things specifically.

And remember that no matter how much you love each other, you are not obligated to be in a relationship with each other. You have a choice. If it doesn't work, if one of you is hurting too much, it's okay to let it go. The fairy tale is wrong: True love really doesn't conquer all, all the time.

Polyamory, with its emphasis on intimate romantic relationships, isn't really about sex. Poly people don't necessarily have high sex drives, aren't necessarily kinky, aren't necessarily into group sex, and may not be interested in casual sex. Many poly people hold traditional views about sex. Indeed, as we've mentioned, polyamory is often attractive to asexual people, since it allows close, intimate relationships without the pressure (or guilt) of being a partner's only sexual outlet.

We tend to assume that sex is part of any romantic relationship, but some asexual people want intimate relationships without sex. Demisexuals want little. It's also very common for sexual desire to decline (or disappear) in long-term relationships. As with every element of polyamory, sex should not be assumed: it requires negotiation.

Nonsexual relationships can be physically affectionate and warm. Romantic relationships without sex are not "merely" friendships. They can and do include passionate emotional intimacy, living together, shared goals and dreams, and lifelong plans.

For a surprising number of problems, the solution is in fact more love. The principle of more love can cut through many dilemmas in relationships. Listen. Cherish your partners. Cherish yourself. Trust your partners. Be trustworthy. Honor others' feelings and your own. Seek joy for everyone involved.

In the end, a recipe for successful relationships might look like this: Be flexible. Be compassionate. Rules can never cure insecurity. Integrity matters. Never try to script what your relationships will look like. Love is abundant. Compatibility matters. You cannot sacrifice your happiness for that of another. Own your own shit. Admit when you fuck up. Forgive when others fuck up. Don't try to find people to stuff into the empty spaces in your life; instead, make spaces for the people in your life. If you need a relationship to complete you, get a dog. It is almost impossible to be loving or compassionate when all you feel is fear of loss. Trust that your partners want to be with you, and that if given the freedom to do anything they please, they will choose to cherish and support you. Most relationship problems can be avoided by good partner selection. Nobody can give you security or self-esteem; you have to build that yourself.