More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory (More Than Two Essentials)

by Franklin Veaux

But happiness is something we re-create every day. And it comes more from our outlook than from the things around us.

Loving more than one person at the same time is not an escape from intimacy; it is an enthusiastic embrace of intimacy.

Monogamy tells us that successful, “real” relationships all look about the same. Relationships that last a long time are called successes, without regard to misery, and those that end are called failures, without regard to happiness.

There’s a saying among poly people: “Love is infinite; time and attention are not.”

The people in a relationship are more important than the relationship. Don’t treat people as things.

Relationship atoms

consent, honesty and agency.

Important, central ideas

An omission is a lie when it is calculated to conceal information that, were it known to the other party, would be materially relevant to her.

Learning to understand and express your needs, learning to take responsibility for your emotions…that’s hard work.

“You can come with baggage, but you’re responsible for knowing what’s in the suitcases.”

We are usually really good at feeling our feelings, but we tend to react to the feeling rather than the actual need.

Think of compassion and free will as values you strive for, not attributes you have.

Worthiness is not the same as validation. A sense of self-worth comes from within, not from someone else.

Courage is a verb, grammarians be damned: it’s not something you have, it’s something you do. You practice a bit every day. And if you fall down, if your courage fails you, you always get another chance. Always. Courage happens in increments.

theologian Mary Daly said, we “learn courage by couraging.”

Insecurity is toxic. You can’t trust what you’re always afraid of losing. You can never become a full partner in a relationship you do not believe you “deserve.”

Self-image, like playing the piano, is something you become good at by practice. If you practice being insecure—if you accept thoughts and ideas that tear down your sense of self, if you lie in bed at night and think about the reasons you are not worthy or good enough—then you become highly skilled at being insecure. On the other hand, if you practice security—if you reject thoughts and ideas that tear down your sense of self and accept ideas that build it up, if you lie in bed at night and think about the qualities that make you special and give the people in your life value—then you become skilled at being self-confident and secure.

Self talk

When faced with something that scares you or makes you feel threatened, think what choice you’d make if you were confident and secure…and then do that. Even if it scares the hell out of you. No one will know.

As Canadian entrepreneur Lynn Robinson says, “Our beliefs about ourselves are all made up. So it’s a good idea to make up some good ones.”

Love it.

An important skill in creating happy poly relationships involves learning to see other lovers, particularly a partner’s other lovers, as people who make life better for both of you rather than a hazard to be managed.

Good advice regardless of relationship type.

Relationships make us much happier when we move toward intimacy with people who bring out the best in us, rather than away from loneliness.

So very hard coming from a place of low self esteem.

There is more to life than avoiding discomfort.

There is? You could have fooled me. Or is that my anxiety talking.

Compassion is—again—not something you are, not something you feel, but something you practice.

Relationship axiom.

All words have not a single meaning but a swarm of them, like bees around a hive. maureen o’brien

As an amateur philologist I 1000% agree with this.

“Success” should apply to everyone involved, not just some of them.

From a book on relationships this would fit equally well in a book on management or leadership.

what’s “reasonable” is largely cultural and subjective.

Food for thought and future meditation

Such failures to communicate happen when we lead with our fears instead of our hopes. If we spend too much time thinking about what can go wrong, we forget what can go right. Life is better when you lead with your hopes, not your fears.

VERY IMPORTANT. manta inspiration.

Stating our needs means standing up for them and taking the risk that others may not agree to meet them.

Something I find hard to do.

As the relationship coach Marcia Baczynski has put it, “If you’re afraid to say it, that means you need to say it.”

Difficult but sound advice.

Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity. simone weil

Words of wisdom.

Polyamory challenges us to communicate to a degree that other relationship models don’t.

And even if you’re not poly or disagree with it can offer new ways of thinking. And that is almost never bad.

Passive and passive-aggressive communicators tend to believe they are direct communicators.

Sadly this sounds like me.