Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

by Chris Voss

focus first on clearing the barriers to

agreement. Denying barriers or negative influences gives them credence; g...

Pause. After you label a barrier or mirror a statement, let it sink in. Don’t worry, the other party will fill the silence.

■ Label your counterpart’s fears to diffuse their power.

■ List the worst things that the other party could say about you and say them before the other person can.

Performing an accusation audit in advance prepares you to head off negative dynamics

use labels to reinforce and encourage positive perceptions and dynamics.

“NO” STARTS THE NEGOTIATION

“No” is the start of the negotiation, not the end of it.

after pausing, ask solution-based questions or simply label their effect: “What about this doesn’t work for you?” “What would you need to make it work?”

There are actually three kinds of “Yes”: Counterfeit, Confirmation, and Commitment.

everyone you meet is driven by two primal urges: the need to feel safe and secure, and the need to feel in control.

Break the habit of attempting to get people to say “yes.” Being pushed for “yes” makes people defensive.

■ “No” is not a failure.

Learn how to hear it calmly. It is not the end of the negotiation, but the beginning.

Yes” is the final goal of a negotiation, but

don’t aim for it at the start. Asking someone for “Yes” too quickly in a conversation—“Do

gets his guard up and paints you as an untrust...

■ Saying “No” makes the speaker feel safe, secure, and in control, so trigger it.

Sometimes the only way to get your counterpart to listen and engage with you is by forcing them into a “No.” That means intentionally mislabeling one of their emotions or desires or asking a ridiculous question—like,

Negotiate in their world. Persuasion is not about how bright or smooth or forceful you are. It’s about the other party convincing themselves that the solution you want is their own idea.

Ask them questions that open paths to your goals. It’s not about you.

If a potential business partner is ignoring you, contact them with a clear and concise “No”-oriented question that suggests that you are ready to walk away.

CNU developed what is a powerful staple in the high-stakes world of crisis negotiation, the Behavioral Change Stairway Model (BCSM). The model proposes five stages—active listening, empathy, rapport, influence, and behavioral change—that take any negotiator from listening to influencing

the sweetest two words in any negotiation are actually “That’s right.”

Effective Pauses: Silence is powerful.

Minimal Encouragers: Besides silence, we instructed using simple phrases, such as “Yes,” “OK,” “Uh-huh,” or “I see,”

feelings a name and identify with how he felt.

Paraphrase:

repeat

back

in

own w...

Summarize: A good summary is the combination of rearticulating the meaning of what is said plus the acknowledgment of the emotions underlying that meaning (paraphrasing + labeling = summary).

Driving toward “that’s right” is a winning strategy in all negotiations. But hearing “you’re right” is a disaster.

Use these lessons to lay that foundation:

Creating unconditional positive regard opens the door to changing thoughts and behaviors. Humans have an innate urge toward socially constructive behavior. The more a person feels understood, and positively affirmed in that understanding, the more likely that urge for constructive behavior will take hold.

■ “That’s right” is better than “yes.” Strive for it. Reaching “that’s right” in a negotiation creates breakthroughs.

Use a summary to trigger a “that’s right.” The building blocks of a good summary are a label combined with paraphrasing. Identify, rearticulate, and emotionally affirm “the world according to . . .”

don’t settle and—here’s a simple rule—never split the difference.

Deadlines are almost never ironclad. What’s more important is engaging in the process and having a feel for how long that will take. You may see that you have more to accomplish than time will actually allow before the clock runs out.

“Okay, I apologize. Let’s stop everything and go back to where I started treating you unfairly and we’ll fix it.”

like you are being treated fairly at all times. So please stop me at any time if you feel I’m being unfair, and we’ll address it.”

To get real leverage, you have to persuade them that they have something concrete to lose if the deal falls through.

Ask: “What does it take to be successful here?”

All negotiations are defined by a network of subterranean desires and needs. Don’t let yourself be fooled by the surface.

Splitting the difference is wearing one black and one brown shoe, so don’t compromise. Meeting halfway often leads to bad deals for both sides.

■ Approaching deadlines entice people to rush the negotiating process and do impulsive things that are against their best interests.

■ The F-word—“Fair”—is an emotional term people usually exploit to put the other side on the defensive and gain concessions. When your counterpart drops the F-bomb, don’t get suckered into a concession. Instead, ask them to explain how you’re mistreating them.

■ You can bend your counterpart’s reality by anchoring his starting point. Before you make an offer, emotionally anchor them by saying how bad it will be. When you get to numbers, set an extreme anchor to make your “real” offer seem reasonable, or use a range to seem less aggressive. The real value of anything depends on what vantage point you’re looking at it from.