Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

by Chris Voss

“Is now a bad time to talk?”

The “that’s right” breakthrough usually doesn’t come at the beginning of a negotiation. It’s invisible to the counterpart when it occurs, and they embrace what you’ve said. To them, it’s a subtle epiphany.

You’re right.” He agreed, in theory, but he didn’t own the conclusion. Then he would go right back to the behavior we were trying to get him to stop.

The more a person feels understood, and positively affirmed in that understanding, the more likely that urge for constructive behavior will take hold.

“If you approach a negotiation thinking that the other guy thinks like you, you’re wrong,” I say. “That’s not empathy; that’s projection.”

while we may use logic to reason ourselves toward a decision, the actual

while our decisions may be largely irrational, that doesn’t mean there aren’t consistent patterns, principles, and rules behind how we act. And once you know those mental patterns, you start to see ways to influence them.

That gets your point across without moving the other party into a defensive position.

I want to stimulate my counterpart’s brainstorming to see what valuable nonmonetary gems they might have that are cheap to them but valuable to me.

People feel obliged to repay debts of kindness.

your counterpart sees that there is something to lose by inaction.

But failures plant the seeds of future success,

the illusion of control while you, in fact, were the one defining the conversation.

removing the hostility from the statement “You can’t leave” and turning it into a question. “What do you hope to achieve by going?”

all the support in the world won’t work if your counterpart’s team is dysfunctional.

We were afraid to go into debt.

If we made an “ask” and they granted it, we’d owe. Not making good on a debt risked the accusation of bad-faith negotiation and bad faith in kidnappings gets people killed.

That’s when I realized that what we had been doing wasn’t communication; it was verbal flexing.

All of our conversations became these paralyzed confrontations between two parties who wanted to extract something from each other but didn’t want to give. We didn’t communicate, out of pride and fear.

That is, communication without reciprocity.

forced the other guy to pause and actually think about how to solve the problem. I thought to myself, This is perfect! It’s a natural and normal question, not a request for a fact. It’s a “how” question, and “how” engages because “how” asks for help.

your point of view on the back of their energy,

Giving your counterpart the illusion of control by asking calibrated questions—by asking for help—is one of the most powerful tools for suspending unbelief.

you’re asking for their advice and giving them the illusion of control.

treat “why” like a burner on a hot stove—don’t touch it.

The basic issue here is that when people feel that they are not in control, they adopt what psychologists call a hostage mentality. That is, in moments of conflict they react to their lack of power by either becoming extremely defensive or lashing out.

using the counterpart’s power to get to your objective. They’re listener’s judo.

“YES” IS NOTHING WITHOUT “HOW”

Poor implementation is the cancer that eats your profits.

vary your tactics. The first time they agree to something or give you a commitment, that’s No. 1. For No. 2 you might label or summarize what they said so they answer, “That’s right.” And No. 3 could be a calibrated “How” or “What” question about implementation

liars use more words than truth tellers and use far more third-person pronouns.

They will defer to the people away from the table to keep from getting pinned down.

If there’s one way to put off your counterpart, it’s by implying that disagreeing with you is unfair.

These unknown unknowns are Black Swans.

every negotiation each side is in possession of at least three Black Swans, three pieces of information that, were they to be discovered by the other side, would change everything.

Black Swans requires a change of mindset.

Ask lots of questions. Read nonverbal clues and always voice your observations with your counterpart.

Concentrate on the next step because the rope will lead you to the end as long as all the steps are completed.

People will often sooner die than give up their autonomy.

“paradox of power”—namely, the harder we push the more likely we are to be met with resistance.

how deeply listening to understand your counterpart’s worldview can reveal a Black Swan that transforms a negotiation dynamic.

By positioning your demands within the worldview your counterpart uses to make decisions, you show them respect and that gets you attention and results.

It is when we hear or see something that doesn’t make sense—something “crazy”—that a crucial fork in the road is presented: