Self Esteem Mastery (Workbook Included!): What Healthy Self-Esteem Is & How To Get It

by Martin Kaye

yourself), but perhaps also from the immediate assumption that since not believing in yourself definitely is not a good thing, then believing in yourself like this must be. The third alternative, to have a realistic view of yourself, is subtly brushed aside.

People with non-contingent self-esteem also often have certain goals and standards they want to meet, however the concept of their own worth or value simply isn’t that important to them. It turns out that instead of trying to raise their own self-worth by how they think about themselves, they turn their attention to actions and behavior that satisfy their basic needs.

The result of this is that if you have a healthy self-esteem, you can fail at something without it having a negative impact on your sense of worth. At the same time, you can succeed at something without it resulting in an inflated ego.

The truth is also that healthy self-esteem, while not affected by (or contingent on) outcomes, is not completely detached from our actions and behavior. I will show this by a couple of examples.

Mini-tip: A small thing you can do in order to gain (or re-gain) trust in yourself, is to make sure to keep the promises you make to yourself. And if you have a track record of breaking promises to yourself, make sure to start with something that is small and easy!

“We are what we repeatedly do.”

People with a healthy, non-contingent, self-esteem feel good about themselves, but they do so implicitly, not explicitly, and they do so to a large degree because they tend to act in accordance with their beliefs and values.

is NOT non-contingent on our own actions and behavior. The great thing about this is that we can’t control the external factors, but we can always control our behavior.

So telling people that they are wonderful “no matter what”, is a two-fold trap because 1) it puts the focus on the value of the self, 2) it assumes that that value is completely separate from our behavior.

Dweck calls this a static mindset. Either we are smart, or we are not. Either we are good at something, or not. And in order to protect the identify of being smart, or of being good at something, we avoid challenges that can result in failure, whether real or perceived.

It turns out that when we are praised for our strategies and for our effort, we realize that the outcome is dependent on what we put into the process, and that we can get better at something. As a result, we try harder and are more inclined to test several different strategies before giving up, when we get this type of feedback. Dweck calls this Growth Mindset.

But I do encourage you to make note whenever you find yourself on the bottom of any of these traps, and then aim to redirect your focus outwards, to conversations, to relationships, to tasks and projects.

And when you succeed or fail at something, ask yourself what it was about the strategies you employed, or the level of effort, that was behind it. Then make adjustments to these, instead of making adjustments to how you view yourself.

Tal Ben-Shahar, at Harvard University, has looked into different types of people and how happy they are. Shahar found that happy people have goals, and that these goals 1) give them meaning when achieved, and 2) that involve tasks and activities along the way to that goal that are enjoyable.

Meaningful goals are centered around relationships, personal growth, and are autonomously chosen, meaning we chose the goal because we wanted it, and not because someone thought we should, to please our parents, or to live up to other popular ideas of “success”, such as becoming famous and/or wealthy. With focus on these type of goals we can develop a healthy self-esteem at the same time, or more accurately: as a result.

What type of actions make us happier then? Lyubomirsky has conducted several studies and from these I will give you just a few examples:

Expressing gratitude Carrying out acts of kindness Nurturing social relationships Learning to forgive Physical activity Committing to your goals

Happy people with high self-esteem have goals Happy people with high self-esteem are engaged in activities related to their goal, and/or that they enjoy

Activities are just one part of the equation, and their main purpose is to bring us joy more than it is to merely distract us from pain.

The Golden Rule says that we should “do unto others what you want them to do to you”.

But when we are talking to ourselves, we could apply a different version of this rule, in the form of “do to yourself what you would do unto others”, or in the case of self-talk: “talk to yourself like you would talk to others”.

Get enough sleep Eat healthy food Engage in physical activity

Don’t think yourself stronger, work yourself stronger.

focusing instead on building your willpower.

Set a meaningful goal or get engaged in meaningful and enjoyable projects Think in terms of strategies, process and effort when evaluating success or “failure” Be compassionate and accepting towards yourself Develop your willpower and establish desired habits