Self Esteem Mastery (Workbook Included!): What Healthy Self-Esteem Is & How To Get It

by Martin Kaye

encouraging people to think highly of themselves would not necessarily have the positive consequences that had been assumed. In fact, it would turn out, this method could even in itself have negative consequences.

One flaw was that, apart from factors such as grades, “success” was self-reported. So if a study subject claimed to view themselves favorably, they could also report that their relationships with other people was great, whether that was actually true or not. So the actual correlation between high self-esteem. The research also showed that while there was to some degree a correlation between (some forms of) high self-esteem and, for example high grades, it was not the self-esteem that caused the high grades, it was the other way around!

The methods did not result in higher grades, better relationships, more personal success and so on, nor did they decrease the levels of drug use, teen pregnancies and so on. Because the techniques targeted something that was the result of other factors.

The conclusion by Baumeister in 1999, which was also reinforced by some further research in the following years, was that focusing on boosting of children’s and adults’ self-esteem was not something we should be spending time, money or other resources on doing. At best, the positive effects were miniscule, and at worst the result could be “high” self-esteem that then manifested itself in negative ways such as negative or unethical behavior.

The appeal of these type of pictures may come partially from the positive message itself (it simply feels good to receive a little bit of encouragement, especially if you have been doubting yourself), but perhaps also from the immediate assumption that since not believing in yourself definitely is not a good thing, then believing in yourself like this must be. The third alternative, to have a realistic view of yourself, is subtly brushed aside.

The problem with this definition, as shown by Baumeister’s research and outlined in this chapter, is that neither high nor low self-esteem appears to be a good thing.

What characterized them was that they didn’t think about these things much at all, unless perhaps asked on a questionnaire or in an interview.

Their self-esteem was a result of their accomplishments, due to experiencing success in some form, be it high grades, getting the job they wanted, or finding a partner.

This type of healthy self-esteem is known as non-contingent self-esteem (meaning it is not dependent on outcomes or external factors), while the latter is known as contingent, or conditional, self-esteem.

their main characteristic is that they are preoccupied with questions of worth and esteem. In other words, they have a strong inwards focus, and are often caught up in thoughts about whether they are “good enough” or not.

It turns out that instead of trying to raise their own self-worth by how they think about themselves, they turn their attention to actions and behavior that satisfy their basic needs.

In the words of Ryan, “healthy [self-esteem] is not about judging one’s worth as a whole”.

An integral part of Self-Esteem Mastery is to focus less on “self-esteem”.

So the trap here is that these types of statements, or advice, actually encourages people to think about themselves, and their value, more, instead of less.

Whether we have low or healthy self-esteem, positive affirmations are not recommended!

It turns out that when we are praised for our strategies and for our effort, we realize that the outcome is dependent on what we put into the process, and that we can get better at something. As a result, we try harder and are more inclined to test several different strategies before giving up, when we get this type of feedback. Dweck calls this Growth Mindset.

Lyubomirsky says that working toward a meaningful life goal is one of the most important strategies for becoming lastingly happier.

While there is some very interesting research showing that we can in fact build our muscles just with the use of our mind, the most efficient way is of course to go to the gym and do the things that lead to muscle growth. The same is true for willpower. Don’t think yourself stronger, work yourself stronger.