The Power of the Other: The startling effect other people have on you, from the boardroom to the bedroom and beyond-and what to do about it

by Henry Cloud

“How can I be a fueling support and at the same time make sure that those closest to delivery of the business have all the control and autonomy that they need in order to perform?”

Horst Schultze, founder of Ritz-Carlton, has stated that his employees are fully empowered to satisfy a customer and solve a problem up to $2,000 without checking with anyone. They

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What would it mean to you as a spouse if marital partners

fatima

wow. Where should we begin? I’m continually amazed at how even extremely high performers’ lives are often still controlled in some way by their family-of-origin or in-law relationships. I wish we had some cosmic algorithm that actually revealed how much

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lost performance comes from people having to continually negotiate the intrusion of family-of-origin conditioning and interference into their businesses, careers,

What would it mean to you as a friend if your closest friends operated like Jack’s father, Charlie? Or like the small group who got me through a difficult situation in my college years? What if they fueled you and supported you just

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Jack’s dad did, offering help, advice, and resources when needed, rooting for you, and at the same time helping you learn to take more responsibility and ownership for your choices? What

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They support your choices but also hold you responsible for them. Obviously if you’re engaging in highly destructive or even illegal behavior, their boundaries may become narrower and stricter. Drug addicts give each other freedom, but without holding each other responsible for destruction.

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Corner Four holds people accountable for their choices. In the next chapter, we will see how they foster responsibility.

He was supportive but could be very tough. One of his buddies who served with him in Europe told me the story of my dad disciplining a

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having to drop out of high school to support his family

His Dad

His deal was clear. Support and responsibility. He would support me until I went to college, but after that, I would have to be responsible for my own life. He would give me his support and my freedom, but I was responsible for the choices I’d make. I will never forget one time when this responsibility arrangement felt like the last thing I needed or wanted. I felt I needed help—big-time help—not responsibility. It was the summer of my freshman year in college, and I was at home in Mississippi for the

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His deal was clear. Support and responsibility. He would support me until I went to college, but after that, I would have to be responsible for my own life. He would give me his support and my freedom, but I was responsible for the choices I’d make. I will never forget one time when this responsibility arrangement felt like the last thing I needed or wanted. I felt I needed help—big-time help—not responsibility. It was the summer of my freshman year in college, and I was at home in Mississippi for the

story of car crash

made an illegal turn, right into oncoming traffic, and we were hit head-on by a big truck. More than an oops, it was a biggee, not a fender bender. We were both OK, but the car was history.

Another silence. Then he said this: “Son, . . . here’s what I know. If you’re old enough to get yourself into a situation like this, you’re old enough to get yourself out.

Call me and tell me how you did it. I can’t wait to hear!” And he hung up the phone.

Corner Four relationships give us freedom, but also they require us to take it and own it through responsibility.

once heard former U.S. secretary of state Colin Powell speak at a leadership event; he told a story that captures the balance among freedom, ownership, and responsibility.

Powell basically said that the message from the president was, “It’s your problem.”

In dealing with an addict, a Corner Four relationship doesn’t mandate

is, “I cannot get you out of difficulties created by your choices, but I can require you to be responsible for them.”

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There is a balance to be sought, holding the delegated one responsible without interrupting or disempowering. This is a very important leveraging aspect of leadership—requiring people

responsibilty

I’ll call Melissa, who absolutely loves the work that a freelance designer (let’s call her

lateness story

the execution side. She doesn’t execute on a deadline. She’s fired from that part of it.” My level of respect for Melissa was already high, but it went up then.

She was sorry she’d overpromised and underdelivered, and she also admitted that, honestly, she didn’t think she’d be able to do much better if she were allowed to continue with the same expectations and responsibilities.

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Now that’s what I call a Corner Four relationship. The boss held her responsible, and there were consequences, all in a spirit of being for each other. Robyn

Great Grou

If I say yes to this, will I be able to do it all? Thanks to her Corner Four relationship with Melissa and the feedback it provided,

Think for a moment how this scenario could have played out. Suppose Melissa had let Robyn off the hook with a mere

Wrong direction

Think for a moment how this scenario could have played out. Suppose Melissa had let Robyn off the hook with a mere

solution

ACCOUNTABILITY AND EXPECTATIONS

outbursts and shaming. We hear “How could you have done

Corner Four accountability is a commitment to what is best at three levels: (1) both or all the individuals involved, (2) the relationship(s), and (3) the outcomes. There are some big factors in this kind of accountability that keep it from going the route of shame and push it forward to greater performance: The first is the clarity of agreed-upon expectations, which have been communicated and embraced by all. Second, the timing of those expectations is early and continuous.

Accountability

everyone knows the expectations and checks in with them during the process.

Great Corner Four relationships increase responsibility by preventing most surprises.

Likewise, research in marriage success shows that couples who do well “check in” frequently, sometimes multiple times a day. They stay current.

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On the other hand, get out of each other’s face as well. There’s a country-and-western song by Dan Hicks that asks, “How can I miss you when you won’t go away?”

“Feedback is the breakfast of champions,”

Corners One, Two, or Three. In Corner One, there’s no feedback. In Corner Two, it makes you feel bad. In Corner Three, it’s dishonest, mostly flattery. Here are a few thoughts about feedback to help you get to Corner Four.

feedback

First, the science of feedback tells us that it is crucial to performance.

Rock climbers, for example, get this. They know very quickly how

The brain needs to know how it is doing in order to adjust and do better.

Second, for feedback to be helpful, it has to be, well,

helpful. That’s one way Corner Four relationships differ from all others. When you

That person is your ally and wants you to win. The one giving feedback shares an interest in your doing well. I

In fact, most of the time in Corner One, we’re disengaging from feedback altogether.

corner one feedback

If we’re spending our days and nights in Corner Two, any feedback we do hear just makes us feel bad. I had a painful experience just

fesdback two

place was Corner Four—a place of mutual trust and honesty and accountability. Having moved from Corner Two feelings of hurt and inferiority, she saw things differently now, as did I.

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communicate the reasons I wasn’t happy with her performance. That’s the second part of a Corner Four relationship. It

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And at the same time, I need to feel like I can tell you what I need for you to do better. Let’s talk about the best way for me to do that.”

First, I had to tell her that she hadn’t been the Corner Four person I wanted her to be: on my team and coming directly to me if something’s wrong.