Broken

by Nicola Haken

I’ve never imagined him cooking, which on reflection seems stupid. He lives alone and, given the fact he’s alive, clearly eats.

“The cause isn’t fully understood. Genetics can play a part, as can chemical imbalances in the brain. But it’s an illness, like cancer or epilepsy. It’s no one’s fault. Sometimes, it just…happens.”

it can be a conniving illness, but it is an illness. Whoever it is you’re talking about isn’t doing it to hurt you.”

“Just remember he’s not his illness. It’s a part of him, but he’s still the same guy you first met.”

if he’s being treated, which I assume he is, there’s no reason to spend your life worrying, waiting for him to slip, because it might not happen.

People hear the words mental illness and immediately think crazy. But he’s not crazy, and there’s no reason you can’t have a happy and positive relationship like anyone else.”

Do you want to stay at mine tonight?” “No, I, uh…” I need my mum. “Can you take me to Mum’s?”

how about you take your meds for me?” “There’s no point.” “Why do you think that?” Seriously. Stop talking, James. Stop talking, now. “They don’t work.” “They do.” “No, they don’t.” “Why not? How do they make you feel?” “Like a robot. A useless robot.” I don’t want to talk to him. He’s just such a sarcastic arsehole I can’t seem to help myself. “Okay, answer this honestly. Did you decide they make you feel like a robot while you were taking them, or after you stopped?” “What’s that got to do with it?”

“After. I didn’t notice while I was taking them because, like I said, I was a fucking robot.” I stopped taking them after my father died because I needed to. Suddenly, I was faced with a huge responsibility and a workload I wouldn’t have been able to deal with without the extra energy, longer waking hours. “Or maybe you didn’t notice because while you were medicated you really did feel fine, as opposed to the pretend fine you’re feeling now.”

So in your mind the depression makes you broken?” “Yes.” “Maybe you are. That doesn’t mean people shouldn’t care about you. Value you. More importantly, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t value yourself.”

“I think it’s easier to accept things are never going to improve than fight for them to get better.”

Nobody is capable of getting through this life alone, James. When your boat is drifting from the shore, it’s okay to use an anchor for support. We all need an anchor. Without people to love us, we’d just drift further and further away.”

I have known happiness. My brain has been lying to me and I believed it so easily.

broken crayons can still colour.