The Wall of Winnipeg and Me

by Mariana Zapata

What no one tells you is that the road to accomplishing your goals isn’t a straight line; it looks more like a corn maze. You stopped, you went, you backed up, and took a few wrong turns along the way, but the important thing you had to remember was that there was an exit. Somewhere. You just couldn’t give up looking for it, even when you really wanted to.

I knew firsthand that life could be taking you in one direction, and the next moment, you’d be going in a completely different one. Because that was the way surprises worked—they didn’t tend to pencil themselves in to your schedule and let you know they were visiting ahead of time.

The security guard at the gate grinned at me when I pulled in to the community Aiden lived in. “I haven’t seen you in forever, Miss Vanessa,” he greeted me. “I quit,” I explained after greeting him. “He shouldn’t be surprised I’m here.” He gave me a look that said he was a little more than impressed. “He’s not. He’s been reminding me every week to let you in if you came by.”

When I was a kid, I learned the hard way how expensive the truth was. Sometimes it cost you people in your life. Sometimes it cost you things in your life. And in this life, most people were too cheap to pay the price for something as valuable as honesty. In this case, I could tell the price tag had hit Aiden unexpectedly.

I had to force myself to quit fondling those big hams with my eyeballs. I didn’t know what it was about muscular thighs that drove me nuts. I could live without a six-pack, but developed quads and calves were my Kryptonite.

I talked to my foster dad pretty often—in my case once every few weeks was often—and told them I’d married Aiden. My foster dad had looked at me from across the table where I’d eaten dinner seven days a week for four years of my life and asked in a serious voice, “You couldn’t have married someone who plays for Houston?”

“You’ve been with me for two years, but I figure I’m barely beginning to understand,” the big guy claimed, his expression solemn. “Understand what?” “I should probably be scared of you.”

“Don’t thank me. I only said the truth.” I lifted up a shoulder and smiled down at him. “I appreciate it anyway.” He blinked those slumbering brown eyes, his nostrils flaring just enough for me to notice. “You have no idea how terrible you make me feel sometimes.” Wait. What? “Why?” He sat forward, setting the puzzle pieces in his hands aside. “You’re thanking me for defending you, Van. You shouldn’t have to thank me for something like that.”

In the middle of me taking in the soft fragrance coming off of him, he put his arms around me. Gently, gently, gently. One arm went around the top of my shoulders and the other one directly below it. He tightened his embrace and brought me in an inch closer into the cocoon of his massive body. I tried not to freeze. He was hugging me. He was hugging me. Something settled at the top of my head and I knew, I just freaking knew, it was his chin. It was probably the second best hug I’d ever gotten in my life; only beat by the one my foster dad had given me when he visited me in the hospital right after Susie had hit me with her car. He’d been the first person to show up, the first person to come into my room after I’d woken up, and I’d lost it. And he’d given me a hug and let me grieve for the death of the rocky relationship I’d had with her. But this was a completely different kind of hug.

“What a good boy. If you behave, I might have a smashed up Vega bar in my pocket for you.” I didn’t know what it said about me that I carried snacks around for him, but whatever. He was like my puppy I had to make sure ate enough. You know, a massive puppy that made my insides feel discombobulated from time to time. Yeah, discombobulated. It was that bad.

“You know more about me than anyone else does.” A sudden memory of the night in my bed where he’d admitted his fear as a kid pecked at my brain, relaxing me, making me smile. “I really do, don’t I?” The expression on his face was like he was torn between being okay with the idea and being completely against it. Leaning in close to him again, I winked. “I’m taking your love of MILF porn to the grave with me, don’t worry.” He stared at me, unblinking, unflinching. And then: “I’ll cut the power at the house when you’re in the shower,” he said so evenly, so crisply, it took me a second to realize he was threatening me… And when it finally did hit me, I burst out laughing, smacking his inner thigh without thinking twice about it. “Who does that?” Aiden Graves, husband of mine, said it, “Me.”

The Wall of Winnipeg stared down at the much smaller man, and in a voice that was as close to a cool, unattached statement as possible, he said, “Touch my wife again, and I’ll break every bone in your goddamn body.” My wife. Not Vanessa. He’d gone with my wife. He’d cussed. For me. For my honor. He’d said the ‘G’ word and it was just about the most romantic thing I’d ever heard in my life because Aiden didn’t do that.

“I just want to know whether I need to steal a bat or make a phone call.” His mouth had been open and poised to argue with me… until he heard the last thing I said. “What?” “I need to know—” “What do you need to steal a bat for?” “Well, no one I know owns one, and I can’t go buy one at the store and have it caught on videotape.” “Videotape?” Did he know nothing? “Aiden, come on, if you beat the shit out of someone with a bat, they’re going to look for suspects. Once they have suspects, they’ll look through their things or their purchases. They’ll see I bought one recently and know it was premeditated. Why are you looking at me like that?”

“I wasn’t about to waste my life away, upset, because I was raised by people who couldn’t commit to anything in their lives. All they did was show me the kind of person I didn’t want to be.”

“I know you said you don’t have time for relationships, but there’s no way you can’t make time for him. Look at him. I loved him the moment I saw him. I was almost about to play it off like I bought him for myself when you walked in.” He nodded quickly, too quickly for my heart to handle appropriately. “Yeah, you’re right. I can make time.” Aiden licked his lips and pierced me with a brief look that had me frozen in place once again. It was the single sweetest, most eye-opening expression I’d ever had anyone directed at me. “I’m starting to understand that you can always make time for the things that matter.”

“I figured you needed an engagement ring. I didn’t think you’d like a diamond. This seemed more you.” “Shut up.” I gaped at the ring a second more, my breathing getting heavier. “No,” he snapped back. “If you don’t like it—” “Stop talking, Aiden. It’s the most amazing ring I’ve ever seen.” I held my hand up closer to my face and shook my head in a daze, looking up at his eyes with my heart on my tongue. “It’s for me?” “Who else would it be for? My other wife?” the annoying ass asked. He’d gotten me a ring.

“You could have just given me a band. I don’t care what everyone else thinks,” I kind of whispered as I slipped the wedding set onto the appropriate hand and finger. “I don’t care either, but I got it for you anyway.”

With a plate of food he’d cooked for me on my lap and a bottle of coconut water in between his massive thighs and an empty glass on my nightstand, I was going to tell Aiden I loved him. I loved him. I loved him so much I would do just about anything for him. I loved him enough to risk spending the next four and a half years of my life with a man who would more than likely divorce me and move on with his career. Because fuck it, what was life if you didn’t live it and make the most out of it? What was life without loving someone who cared about you a lot more than he cared about anyone else? That was my truth. Aiden had hugged me and told me he was proud of me in front of reporters and strangers alike, when he held on to his privacy with both hands. And it hadn’t been fake. I could do this. I would.

“How do you not know that you mean the world to me? I haven’t made it clear enough?” “I don’t know,” I stuttered. “Do you love me?” His gaze was so intent the entire world seemed to stop. “You tell me. I never stop thinking about you. I worry about you all the time. Every beautiful thing I see reminds me of you. I can’t finish my practices in Colorado without wishing you were around,” he said in a steady tone. “You tell me what I feel.”

Aiden kissed me like… good lord, like we were having slow, intense sex. At least the kind of slow, intense sex I’d seen in porns before.

“You really want me to go to Colorado with you?” “What have I told you about stupid questions?” he asked. “Yes, I want you to.” I smiled. “Sheesh. I just wanted to make sure. I want to go. I want to be where you are.” Before I thought twice about it, I told him what I would realize later was the most significant absolute truth in my life. “Home is where you are. I would go anywhere for you if you wanted me to be there.”

“I don’t know anything about relationships, Van, but I know I love you. I know I’ve waited my entire life to love you, and I’ll do whatever I have to, to make this work.”

Maybe that was the thing about love I never understood before Aiden. Like football and art, like anything that anyone in the world has ever wanted, love was a dream. And just like a dream, there were no assurances behind it. It didn’t grow on its own. It didn’t blossom without food to feed it. It was the greatest in its subtleties. It was the strongest in its selflessness.