How to Have a Good Day: Harness the Power of Behavioral Science to Transform Your Working Life

by Caroline Webb

Step 2: Assume “good person in bad circumstances,” and consider potential explanations for his or her behavior.

COMMON “DEFENSIVE MODE” TRIGGERS TO WATCH OUT FOR

Social Needs: Inclusion

Social Needs: Fairness

Social Needs: Respect

Individual Needs: Autonomy

Individual Needs: Competence

Individual Needs: Purpose

Individual Needs: Security

Individual Needs: Rest

So if you sense that someone is upset or irritated—whether with you or someone else—and you can find a way to talk to him or her directly, try this simple “notice-acknowledge-offer” routine:

You can guess where I’m going with this. There’s a strong case for clearing the air, for several reasons. First, as long as you’re tense, your deliberate system is unlikely to be mustering your best social skills, even as you’re supposedly smoothing things over. Second, far from lowering the ante, trying to suppress negative emotion has been shown to make the brain’s defensive response even more pronounced.10 Third, confirmation bias means that you’re likely to see ever more sources of annoyance in this person over time, rather than being able to move on, because your expectations of this person now have a negative slant. Fourth, you might hope to avoid conflict by trying to pretend nothing is wrong, but emotional contagion will have you communicating your quiet simmering in subconscious ways. So you might think you’re protecting the relationship by keeping your mouth shut, but there’s a good chance that you’re only making things worse.

It helps if you can take five or ten minutes to jot down some notes before you go into the conversation, so you’re clear on what you want to say in steps 2 and 3 in particular:

Step 1: Ask permission.

Step 2: Describe what you observed.

Step 3: Say how the facts made you feel.

Step 4: Ask for the other person’s perspective.

Step 5: Do some joint problem solving.

HOW TO DEAL WITH UNSPEAKABLY DIFFICULT PEOPLE

Play back what they’ve said.

Talk about observable actions, not their attitude.

Be crystal clear in your communication.

Focus on solutions.

Show appreciation.

And to help you be your best self through these interactions:

Get some distance.

Concoct a story to explain their behavior.

Talk to people who can support you.

Cut your losses.

RESOLVING TENSIONS If there’s someone who’s causing you stress at the moment, try one or more of these techniques: Find common ground. If you disagree on something, use the following process: articulate the other person’s perspective as if you truly believe it; identify what you both agree on; isolate the real disagreement; explore how you could both be right; and decide what you can do based on what you agree on. Spread positive contagion. Your own mood can be infectious. Decide what emotion you want to project into the conversation, and visualize something that can quickly put you in that state of mind. Assume “good person, bad circumstances.” Get clear on the “true facts”: what you know for sure. Then assume that the other person has good intent, and imagine the circumstances that could be causing his or her behavior. (Refer to the list of classic defensive mode triggers for inspiration.) Notice-acknowledge-offer. If you can have a direct conversation, use the “notice-acknowledge-offer” approach to check that you understand the issue and to move things forward. Invite the person to talk (“I noticed that…”), show empathy (“I’m sorry, that must be challenging…”), and offer support (“Is there anything I can do?”). Manage your own baggage. Identify your hot-button patterns—triggers that you particularly respond to—and your early warning signs. Decide on a quick “step back and reset” routine, including a question to fully engage your deliberate system (e.g., “What really mat...

So what’s the alternative? Instead of racking your brain to come up with solutions and ideas, you create the best possible space for the other person to think effectively about the problem. The approach is called “extreme listening,” a term coined by educationalist Nancy Kline.

Here’s how to do some extreme listening: It’s not about you.

Let the other person set the topic.

Don’t interrupt.

Maintain eye contact.

Keep them talking.

And once again, remember: it’s about the other person, not you.

In a study of patients who were seeking medical help to quit, researchers showed that those whose doctors were “autonomy-supportive” as opposed to “controlling” (as assessed by expert observers listening to audiotapes of their interaction) were more likely to be smoke-free, both six months later and thirty months later.3

So what are these magical coaching questions? They’re based on something known as the “GROW model”—because they walk people through steps called the goal, reality, options, and way forward: Goal. What does the ideal outcome look like?

Reality. What’s the current situation—the good and the bad? Options. What are the options for moving forward? (Always start with the other person’s ideas. Tell them you’re happy to add yours, but that you want to start with theirs.) Way forward. What is their first step going to be? When will they take it? What help do they need?

Here are three ways to give this kind of brain-friendly feedback:

Technique 1: “What I Like About That Is…” Tell the other person: “What I like about that is…” Give meaningful, specific examples—more than one if possible. Aim for as many specific positive examples as you can before you give suggestions for changes. Then say: “What would make me like it even more is…”

Technique 2: “Yes, And…” Avoid the joy-killing phrase “Yes, but…” when you spot a problem with someone’s suggestion. Instead, try “Yes, and…,” to signal that you’re adding your perspective alongside that suggestion rather than in conflict with it.

Technique 3: “What Would Need to Be True to Make That Work?” Instead of saying “That won’t work because of this, that, and the other…,” try saying “What would need to be true to make that work (well)?”

BRINGING THE BEST OUT OF OTHERS Think about someone who’s doing some work for you—or someone you want to help. Experiment with these techniques: Extreme listening. Improve the quality of the other person’s thinking by listening to him or her unusually closely, without interrupting. Coach, don’t tell. Use the GROW questions to guide the other person through clarity on the goal, the current reality, the options they see (add yours only after they share theirs), and the way forward. Give brain-friendly feedback. Use one or more of these three techniques next time you want to provide input or challenge someone’s ideas: • “What I like(d) about that is…” and “What would make me like it even more is…” • “Yes, and…” (rather than “Yes, but…”). • “What would need to be true to make that work?” Be fair. Be as transparent as you can in explaining the process for making tough decisions. Be alert to anything the other person might perceive as unfair, even if you don’t see it as such.

psychologists have long observed something they call the Einstellung effect, where having an existing solution in mind makes it harder for us to see a radically different but better way to solve our problem.1

So we want to signal to our brain that we want it to go explore, rather than rehash the same old thinking. Surprisingly, doing that can be as simple as framing our knotty task as a question rather than a weary statement.

So when you feel as if you’re banging your head against the wall, don’t just exhort yourself to bang harder. Instead, try leading your brain into a more exploratory state with an expansive question, like: “What would be a totally different approach to this?” “What would be a great way of going about solving this?” “If I knew the answer, what would it be?” (And sure, by all means: “If the solution knocked on the door, what would it look like?”)

A number of cognitive scientists have demonstrated that it doesn’t take long to get some of this subconscious processing benefit. Studies have found that shifting attention from a complex problem to another task for just two, three, or four minutes can help people make better decisions when they return to the problem.4 However, the research does suggest that two things are needed to make sure we reap the full benefits of this cognitive shift. First, we need to intend to come back to the task at hand.5 Otherwise, our brain will assume it’s not necessary to continue processing the information at a subconscious level; it will just move on to thinking about other things, like what we’re having for lunch. Second, researchers have found that it helps to tackle a different kind of task during those moments when we step away from the problem.

So for a complex task where the way forward isn’t obvious: Stop and tackle a different part of the problem or a different issue for a few minutes, to allow your brain some time to do some background processing before you return to the issue. If you can, plan to split your work on the topic into two working sessions rather than trying to complete the task in one sitting.