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Echo the other person’s words.
RECIPROCAL DISCLOSURE (AKA “GIVE A LITTLE”)
Reciprocity is a powerful force for social harmony.
The upshot: if you’re trying to build rapport, be willing to reveal a little of yourself.
POCKET THAT PHONE!
BUILDING REAL RAPPORT
Set collaborative intentions.
Ask quality questions. Get really curious about the other person.
Create a sense of in-group.
Use reciprocal disclosure.
Pocket that phone.
Resolving Tensions
In his classic book Fights, Games, and Debates, Rapoport demonstrated the power of developing what he called “empathetic understanding” of each other’s point of view and what I simply call “common ground.”
Here is the five-step process I’ve evolved based on his research:
Step 1: Describe the other person’s point of view as if you really like it.
Step 2: Identify all the things you agree on.
Step 3: Isolate and understand the true disagreement.
Step 4: Explore how both of you could be correct.
Step 5: What can you do now, based on your common ground?
POSITIVE CONTAGION
That’s the term used to describe the way our highly social brains are wired to sense the emotional state of other people around us, and to sync up with them.2
ASSUME “GOOD PERSON, BAD CIRCUMSTANCES”
we make big assumptions about other people’s personalities and capabilities based on very limited observations. When we find ourselves labeling someone as dumb, lazy, or annoying, it should raise a red flag. How much of that person’s behavior is driven by circumstance, and how much is driven by character?
Here’s what I suggest when someone has infuriated or disappointed you:
Step 1: Get clear on the “true facts.”
Step 2: Assume “good person in bad circumstances,” and consider potential explanations for his or her behavior.
NOTICE-ACKNOWLEDGE-OFFER
Step 1: Notice. Tell the person what you’ve noticed and then ask for their perspective. Focus on a factual observation and phrase it in neutral terms. For example: “I noticed that the board went with option X after all. What’s your view on that?” Or “I noticed that you frowned when I made that suggestion. Can I ask what was on your mind?”
Step 2: Acknowledge. Once they’ve shared their feelings, show that you’ve understood by saying, “I’m sorry, that must be frustrating/concerning/annoying” (select an appropriate sympathetic word).
Step 3: Offer. Ask, “Is there anything I can do to improve the situation?”
MANAGE YOUR OWN BAGGAGE
First, understand your “hot buttons,” the things that are most likely to trigger you. Second, know the early warning signals that you’re slipping into defensive mode. Third, have a simple go-to routine that allows you to step back and hit the reset button.
Know Your Hot Buttons
Know Your Early Warning Signs
Know How to “Step Back and Reset”
HOW TO RAISE DIFFICULT ISSUES WITH SKILL
Once your collaborative intentions are set, I can all but guarantee that you’ll safely navigate the conversation if you walk through the following steps.
Step 1: Ask permission. Don’t just dive in. Say: “Our relationship is important to me, and there’s something on my mind—can I talk to you about it?”
Step 2: Describe what you observed. The trick here is to focus on the true facts, again without emotion, interpretation, or generalization.
Step 3: Say how the facts made you feel. Next, describe the way the person’s behavior made you feel. The power of this step is that, again, it’s not disputable, and it humanizes the issue that you’re raising.
Step 4: Ask for the other person’s perspective. Of course, we know by now that we never have the whole picture in any situation, thanks to our brain’s selective attention. So don’t forget to ask: “How do you see it?”
Step 5: Do some joint problem solving. The final step is to decide together how to make things better.
RESOLVING TENSIONS
Find common ground.
Spread positive contagion.
Assume “good person, bad circumstances.”
Notice-acknowledge-offer.
Manage your own baggage.
Raise difficult issues with skill.
Bringing the Best Out of Others
